


Love Will Tear Us Apart

by SwingTheHeartache



Category: Misfits (TV 2009)
Genre: I'm nearly a decade late to this fandom lmao, M/M, Nathan is his own warning, frenemies to lovers, god what an accurate tag, gratuitous references to the 80s
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2019-11-24 12:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18164927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwingTheHeartache/pseuds/SwingTheHeartache
Summary: After the tattoo incident, Nathan feels unreasonably spurned by the fact that Simon had rejected him. Ego bruised, Nathan attempts his seduction of Simon in earnest.Simon deals with the conflicting feelings he has towards Nathan. On one hand, he wants Nathan to stop being a dick so that they can have a normal friendship. But on the other hand, Simon secretly loves the teasing and flirting.The two end up in a push and pull game of flirtation where neither one wants to be the first to admit they have actual feelings for each other, and neither one wants to back down on the flirtation.(Essentially an overly dramatic game of gay chicken between two emotionally stunted criminals.)





	1. Chapter 1

Simon flopped down onto his bed and ran his hands down his face.

Today had been... exhausting.

Yet, somehow, out of all the weird shit that had happened to them in the past few months, Nathan falling in love with him was the thing that shook him the most.

Simon barely even cared about the fact that they nearly murdered someone. Again. That was just getting to be routine by now.

But Nathan kissing him? That was unexpected.

Even though Simon tried not to dwell on it, he couldn't help himself. He remembered how nervous he was when Nathan invited him to hang out alone. And the anxiety he felt after Nathan started to pretend to be interested in him. It had to be some kind of a trap, because there was no way that Nathan simply wanted to spend time with him.

But then Nathan put his finger on Simon's lips and Simon froze in trepidation. He could barely think. Then Nathan was kissing him and it was _soft_. It was better than kissing Sally. At least, it was until Nathan shoved his tongue in Simon's mouth and his anxiety gave way to panic and Simon bolted. Nathan _had_  been messing with him. Of course. But Simon didn't know why.

Even in the locker room later that afternoon, when Simon knew that it had to be some kind of a ploy, he still couldn't push Nathan away. He took the love letter from Nathan's hands with a _'thanks'_ and shoved the envelope into his locker. He wants so badly to open it now, but he knows reading it would make everything worse.

Even after they all found out about the tattoo, Simon still couldn't help but crave the attention. The way that Nathan jumped in front of him to protect him. The way that Nathan was swooning over him for being _'so butch'_. The way that Nathan cradled him and called him his _'beautiful boy'._

It was fun to tease Nathan after the tattoos were removed. This was something that should easily embarrass Nathan. Simon felt like he finally gained a little bit of power over him.

But now, laying in his bed ruminating about the whole incident, Simon felt like the joke was on him since he was the one who couldn't stop thinking about it.

It's not that _he_ wa _s_  in love with _Nathan_. Simon had long ago acknowledged that Nathan was weirdly attractive, but it was no more than an observation. He didn't dwell on it. Too much, at least. He knew he sought out Nathan's attention, filmed him, and thought about him more than anyone else in the group. But that doesn't mean anything, right? It's just because Nathan was the most expressive and interesting one. Right?

And it's not that Simon was disappointed that Nathan _wasn't_  actually in love with him. Honestly, Simon didn't know if he would be able to handle that. But the fact that none of it was real hurt. He had suspected that Nathan was trying to provoke him, or trying to make Kelly jealous, or maybe he just wanted to be a prick. But that still would have meant that some part of him _wanted_  to do all those things to Simon, even if it wasn't serious. At least it would have been real, and meant that he cared in some strange way. But it was all just the tattoo controlling him.

He sighed. There was no use thinking about it anymore. He can't change anything. And with their luck, some new weird bullshit will happen soon. And hopefully everyone just forgets any of this even happened.


	2. Chapter 2

Simon woke up late the next day. Most likely as a response to staying up all night thinking about Nathan, despite that being the last thing that he wanted to do.

He rushed out of the house as soon as he was dressed.

On the walk to the community centre, he decided to listen to his MP3 player like he always does. Especially in a time like this, it could help him drown out his thoughts. He put the device on shuffle.

' _When routine bites hard,_  
_And ambitions are low,_  
_And resentment rides high,_  
_But emotions won't grow,_  
_And we're changing our ways,_  
_Taking different roads._

_Then love, love will tear us apart, again,_  
_Love, lo-'_

 

Simon groaned and shut the device off. He spent the remainder of the walk in silence.

\-----

Simon arrived at the community centre exactly one minute before he is supposed to be there. He swallows down the anxiety in his chest. He's technically not even late, but he still feels guilty. He's afraid of doing anything even slightly wrong. Deep breaths. It's not like Shaun would even care about Simon just barely arriving on time, anyway. He probably wouldn't give a shit even if Simon chose to not show up at all. Simon briefly contemplates going back home, which would be the first time he ever missed a day of community service. He steps inside the building.

Everyone else was already getting dressed. Simon hurriedly went to his locker to get his jumpsuit, but as he walked past, he felt something hit his bum.

It was Nathan's hand. Because of course it was.

And there goes all of his hopes of leaving the incident behind him.

"Barry! You're finally here! I was worried sick about you."

Simon frowned and glanced at his phone "I'm only a minute late." He had spent about two minutes deliberating whether or not to go in.

"I was expecting you to show up earlier. I missed you."

Simon tried to ignore Nathan because he just wanted to get his jumpsuit on then get straight to work.

After Simon was dressed, he turned to see Nathan standing directly behind him. "Aren't you supposed to say you missed me, too?" and he asked and grabbed Simon's arse again.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Simon stammered.

"What does it feel like I'm doing? I'm trying to molest you," Nathan purred.

Simon wriggled away. "What's wrong with you?"

"Maybe I'm just madly in love with you. Have you considered that?" Nathan said.

"I don't think that's it. Unless you still have the tattoo." Simon frowned.

"Listen, I can promise you that - Ow!"

Kelly had thrown a water bottle at Nathan's head.

"Oi. Leave Simon alone, yeah?"

"Pssh." Nathan said. "And who are you to get in the way of true love? Are you some kind of homophobe or something?" He covered his mouth with his hand in mock scandalization.

"No. I'm just Simon's friend. And I need you to stop dickin' with him," she said.

Simon smiled with the realization that Kelly considers him to be her friend.

' _Thank you,'_  Simon thought loudly in her direction. She smiled back at him.

Nathan interrupted their little bonding moment. "Interesting choice of words there. Are you sure you're not a homophobe? Because it really sounds like it."

"I'm pretty damn sure. He just doesn't love you, so get over it."

Kelly punched Nathan's arm and left the room. Nathan laughed.

"Man, what's her problem?" He asked Simon, jabbing his elbow into Simon's arm.

Simon ignored the question.

\-----

Scraping paint off the wall was mind-numblingly dull. Simon didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed that Nathan decided to work next to Kelly today. On one hand, he wasn't bothering Simon. On the other hand, it left Simon feeling confused and alone with the opportunity to overthink the situation.

He barely noticed Alisha come up next to him.

"Hey," she smiled.

Simon looked at her a bit confused. She never really sought out his company before. He wanted to stop expecting every act of niceness to be a trap somehow, but he couldn't help it.

"Hi," he said, finally.

"So, Nathan's still bothering you, yeah? Kelly told me all about it, but I couldn't believe it 'til I saw it myself," Alisha said incredulously. 

"I thought that after he got the tattoo removed, he'd stop bothering me." Simon made a face. "Well, that he'd go back to insulting me like usual. Not...flirting with me." The last line was hard for Simon to say. He didn't really want to acknowledge it out loud because that made it more real.

But was it really even flirting? It seemed more like sexual harassment. Which wasn't really new with Nathan. It was just that he was more into insisting that Simon was a paedophile, a pervert, or a melonfucker than trying to grope him or flirt with him. Although admittedly, that wasn't all that new either.

Simon remembered not long after they started community service, Nathan came up behind Simon, wrapped his arms around him, and tried to wank him off with the grabber. _'It's not gay if we're not touching!'_  Nathan had insisted.

Alisha's response broke him out of his reverie. "Don't worry about it too much. He's just being Nathan. He likes provoking people. He'll probably lay off once he realizes you don't care." She smiled at him.

It was a nice sentiment, Simon thought, but way off base. Simon _does_  care. And Nathan is not one to let up.

"Thanks," he said and smiled awkwardly at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to get to plot stuff eventually, I swear! I actually have a couple of chapters written up that just need some polishing after I finish up some of my school assignments, but in the meantime, here's this.
> 
> Also, Simon/Alisha isn't a thing here, (not even in the future) but I don't really know how to write her before she softened up to him since she had very little character development before that. Let's just say that she really did like Simon platonically more than she let on, just as a result of spending so much time together and forming a friendship with him. And she was absent from all the tattoo shenanigans for some other unspecified reason 🤷.
> 
> The song featured in this chapter is [Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division](https://youtube.com/watch?v=zuuObGsB0No).


	3. Chapter 3

"So, what are you all doing later?" Nathan asked everyone as they were getting ready to go home for the day.

"Got a date with Nikki," Curtis said.

"I'm going round to Kelly's," Alisha said and smiled at Kelly.

"Is that also a date?" Nathan asked.

Kelly just rolled her eyes and flipped him off.

"Well, if it's not, can I come along? Just us girls?"

"Fuck off," Kelly said.

Nathan held his hand over his heart as if he were wounded. "Fine, then. Be like that."

He rested his hand on Simon's shoulder and gazed into his eyes. "Well, Barry, I guess that means I'm stuck with you."

"I - I have plans, too," Simon lied.

"Really? You? What exactly are your plans?"

Simon swallowed. He didn't actually have plans with anyone else. He knew that made him look a bit pathetic. But he wasn't about to lie.

"I was...going to go home."

"And do what? Wank off to kiddie porn? Is that really so much more preferable to spending time with me?" Nathan pouted.

Simon sighed. "I'm not a paedophile." He really hated Nathan sometimes.

"Leave Simon alone, you dick," Kelly said and hit Nathan on his arm.

"Okay, okay, fine! Barry. I'm sorry. You're not a paedophile. I know that. You're only sexually attracted to fruit, after all."

Simon wasn't sure if that was supposed to be a gay euphemism or just a reference to supposedly being a 'melonfucker'. He ignored it, in any case.

Nathan leaned on the locker next to him. "So...we could both go to back your place. We could hang out. I could meet your sister, and -"

"No!" Simon cut him off quickly, remembering the time when Nathan asked Simon to set them up, not realising that she was 12.

"Relax. _I'm_ not the paedophile here."

Simon made a face at him.

"Okay, I'm sorry!  The paedo jokes - they're just way too easy. Look, I promise I won't try to seduce your little sister. Or you, for that matter."

Simon didn't want to think about the weird flash of disappointment that he felt right then. He didn't actually want Nathan to try to seduce him. But...he also didn't _not_  want Nathan to want to seduce him. It was too much of a mess to contemplate right now.

"But to be fair," Nathan continued, "if your mum is attractive, I can't guarantee that I won't hit on her."

Simon was horrified. "D-don't go near my mum."

"Fine," Nathan pouted. "Is your dad in the picture?"

Simon shook his head.

"Well then, I won't try to seduce him either!"

"There's something very wrong with you, man," Curtis muttered.

"Right, exactly!" Nathan replied. He then grabbed Simon's arms and shook him. "Look, Barry! We have so much in common! We can talk about how the lack of a stable father figure turned us into depraved criminals. That's like, science or some shit. I think. Freud, or something."

"Well, Freud's ideas are actually contentious since empirically..." Simon stopped himself when he realised that Nathan wouldn't care.

"Alright, whatever. But still..." Nathan's face hovered close to Simon's. " _I_  could be your father figure." He grabbed Simon's hand. "Put your tiny hand in mine -"

Simon pushed him away quickly. "Nathan. Just - stop. Leave me alone."

Nathan stepped back. "Alright, then. Jaysis. Sorry you can't take a joke."

Simon didn't know what else to do, so he patted his hair down nervously.

"You're such a dick," Kelly said to Nathan.

Simon sighed and collected his things from his locker. He had enough of this. "See you tomorrow everyone," he said and walked out.

"Wait! Barry, come back!" Nathan called out, but Simon ignored it.

\--

Nathan followed him outside.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry Barry!" He grabbed Simon's sleeve.

Simon sighed. "What do you want from me?"

"To hang out. Like friends."

That couldn't really be the case. Simon squirmed out from Nathan's grip and continued walking away.

"So you're rejecting me then? Leaving me all by my lonesome?" Nathan called out.

"You're -" Simon started. "You're just taking the piss out of me."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because it's what you always do."

"But we can still hang out, right? You'll forgive me. That's what _you_ always do."

Simon felt genuinely annoyed, even though over time he had just become mildly amused by Nathan's teasing. But he hated tolerating this behavior just because he liked Nathan and wanted to be his friend. He just wanted Nathan to genuinely like him.

"I don't - I don't want to be around you if you're going to treat me this way," Simon asserted. _I'm not that desperate for your company,_ he wanted to add, but saying that was a surefire way to actually sound desperate.

"How cute. You're standing up for yourself now. So _there's_  your set of balls."

Simon stared at Nathan quizzically, unable to think of a retort. But then he thought about how the last time that Nathan mentioned his balls, Nathan somehow turned it around and managed to accuse Simon of being gay just for defending himself. He decided not to dignify it with a response this time.

He didn't need to deal with this.

"Good night, Nathan."

Nathan crossed his arms. "Alright, go ahead and fuck off to do whatever creepy shit it is that you do. I have better things to be doing anyway than spend my time with a perverted paedophile." Nathan headed back to the community centre.

Simon wanted to say something else before Nathan left because he didn't want to leave it like this. But he knew that anything he said would probably just prolong the argument, and contrary to the fact that it was Simon who was rejecting Nathan, he didn't really want to do that. He did want to believe that Nathan genuinely wanted to spend time with him just as much as Simon had always wanted to spend time with him, but it was _Nathan_. He was never serious about anything.

Those rationalisations didn't do much to quell the guilt and regret that Simon felt on the off-chance that Nathan was actually serious for once. Simon's head was just swimming thinking about the uncertainty.

There _was_ one relatively risk-free method Simon could use to try to figure out what was really going on with Nathan. Simon could avoid getting directly involved. Nathan would never have to know about it or even realise what was happening.

It wasn't really a guilt-free method, but neither was arguing with Nathan. Simon hesitated for a bit, looked around, and then decided to turn invisible to follow Nathan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just as an update I have about ~13k more words written up but everything's actually from the middle/end of the story lmao. It's getting to be longer than I thought! I'm just shit at writing beginnings. But hopefully this results in shorter gaps between chapters later on?
> 
> I also want to say to everyone leaving comments and kudos: I fookin' love yah.
> 
> And in this chapter we have a reference to good old [George Michael's song Father Figure! ](https://youtube.com/watch?v=m_9hfHvQSNo)
> 
> I didn't tag this as 'gratuitous references to the 80s' for nothing lmao


	4. Chapter 4

Nathan had headed back to the community centre. Simon thought it was best not to follow him inside because it would be difficult to sneak out the door later. He was almost positive that Nathan wouldn't spent all night cooped up in the community centre, anyway.

After lingering outside for about 10 minutes, Simon's conscience got the better of him and he told himself that he should just go home.

It's not something he really would have second guessed a few months ago. It was somewhat routine for him to invisibly observe the group every now and then. He used to secretly video tape them all talking and having fun with each other. He even followed them around occasionally, although he avoided going so far as to follow them outside of community centre. For the sake of his own conscience, he avoided behaviour that could be construed as outright stalker-ish, even though other people may consider it creepy no matter what.

He had just felt like it was the only way to get close to them. But now, they were all friends. They had started to _want_ to hang out with Simon. Nathan was practically begging Simon to spend time with him tonight, and he had rejected Nathan. Simon could have gone with him. It was what he was invited to do. But instead, he was invisibly spying on him. The context felt completely different, even though though the action was practically the same.

And right as Simon was about to leave, Nathan came out of the community centre and locked up the doors while whistling. Nathan almost bumped into Simon, but Simon narrowly avoided the contact by leaping back just in time. The last thing he wanted was for Nathan to realise he was there and have to explain himself.

Once Nathan started heading down the pavement, Simon followed him despite knowing it was a bad idea. He couldn't really couldn't back down now. He had to figure out something instead of just going home and feeling guilty, because that would accomplish nothing, and Simon would still be wondering about the situation.

Nathan was pretty when he wasn't talking. It was always nice to see him like this when he wasn't putting on a show for everyone else. He was just living in the moment and being himself. Simon studied the way he walked, the faces he made when he was just thinking to himself, the way he put his hands in his pocket for lack of having anything else to do with them, the way his voice sounded when he sighed or hummed. Simon wasn't filming Nathan, but he burned these things into his memory.

\-----

Nathan arrived at some sparsely populated bar that Simon had never been to before. Nathan's aloneness stood out compared to how practically everyone else there was with friends or on a date. He had a few drinks while looking around at all the people. He chatted up the bartender a few times, but the conversation went nowhere.

He pulled out his mobile and scrolled through his contacts. After going through all of them, he scrolled back up to gaze at one in particular.

Simon stepped closer, but not too close.

It said 'Melonfucker'.

Nathan was staring at it wistfully, and Simon got the sense to quickly make sure that his mobile was silent. He knew that being invisible muted his voice and footsteps, but never tested whether or not it also applied to the objects that he was holding. He didn't want it to go off, just in case.

But Nathan just closed the phone and mumbled, "Twat."

Nathan stepped out the backdoors.

Simon followed him and congratulated himself on making it through the door quickly without bumping into to either the door or Nathan. It helped that Nathan was so slender.

Nathan pulled out a cigarette, leaned against the wall, and stared off at nothing in particular.

The door opened again and an attractive brunette girl stood by Nathan.

"Hey," she said with a smile.

Nathan looked at her, confused. "Yeah?"

The girl seemed a bit anxious. "I just saw you at the bar. You're alone, right?'

"Yep. None of my friends wanted to go anywhere with me," he said, almost bitterly.

"I know how you feel. My friends convinced me to come out and have some fun even though I rarely do this kind of thing. Then they all left with their partners, leaving me here alone. I don't really know what to do," she laughed nervously. "I figured I should say hi because you looked a little lonely, too."

"They sound like right cunts," Nathan said matter-of-factly.

The girl just laughed, somewhat surprised by Nathan's bluntness.

"They're not that bad. But your friends sound kind of rude, too."

Nathan didn't say anything.

"You're too cute to be alone," the girl added shyly.

Simon's eyes widened. Of course, he suspected the girl was interested in Nathan. But hearing the confirmation felt strange. She was really pretty. Probably too pretty to be genuinely into Nathan if she knew anything about him.

Simon felt a bit jealous. The girl was definitely attractive. But Simon wasn't jealous that someone like her was interested in Nathan and not him. He was just jealous because she could probably hook up with anyone she wanted, but she was pursuing Nathan. Sure, Nathan was physically attractive, possibly even objectively, but he was _Nathan_. It was unfair that strangers didn't know who he really is. She shouldn't truly be interested in Nathan. She doesn't have an excuse. She doesn't know Nathan like Simon does.

Simon didn't want any stranger to be pursuing Nathan. But he _definitely_  wasn't jealous because he wanted Nathan all to himself. That was absurd. Why was he even considering that as an explanation? It's irrational. It's...not something that Simon needs to be thinking about.

"Well, I agree. I'm fucking adorable. But I just got dumped, which isn't doing wonders for my self esteem," Nathan gave her puppy dog eyes.

He was so full of shit. Simon had seen guys do this before - pretending to be sensitive to manipulate girls into caring about them. It's not that Simon thought Nathan would be above this, but it didn't seem like his style, either.

"Well, I'm sure she's missing out," the girl said.

Nathan looked confused. Then he perked up, as if registering what was going on for the first time. "Are you propositioning me?"

The girl blushed. "I didn't mean to be blunt, but I am interested in you. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. I never do this sort of thing."

Nathan shrugged. "Well, we can just get right to the shagging, if that's what you want."

This was getting weird, even for Simon. He was telling himself he should leave and pretend like he never saw any of this. But, he was morbidly curious as to what would happen next.

The girl seemed slightly hesitant, but agreed. "I'm kind of getting over someone, too. It could be good for me."

Then Nathan snuffed out his cigarette and kissed her. Simon started backing away awkwardly, careful not to bump into anything. But he couldn't stop staring.

After a few seconds, Nathan pushed the girl away unceremoniously. "Okay, this really just isn't working for me. At all."

She looked rejected. "Did I do something wrong?"

Nathan shrugged. "Not exactly."

She squinted at him. "Does this have to do with your ex-girlfriend?"

"What ex-girlfriend?" Nathan asked, confused.

"The one that just dumped you." She said dryly.

"Oh, right," he said. "Well, I never said it was my ex-girlfriend, did I? I may have told a tiny lie. We weren't really together. I was just...rejected. Heartbroken," Nathan said dramatically.

She scoffed and turned away.

"Wait!" Nathan called out. "Do you want to take me home anyway? We don't have to shag. And I'm not some murderous psychopathic creep or whatever - we can just hang out!"

"Are you serious?" The girl asked incredulously.

"Yeah, man," Nathan said.

"Just saying, telling me that you're not a murderous psychopath is so much more suspicious than saying nothing all."

"Well, it's the truth. I'm just being honest."

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked, annoyed but concerned. "You seem very intoxicated."

"I'm not, really."

She didn't seem convinced.

"I swear, I only had a few drinks. Which is like nothing to me. I once went on a bender for a week straight before I realised I somehow ended up in Wales. And _that_  was really nothing."

"Right. Maybe I should call you a taxicab home so you don't go out and kill yourself on accident." Her patience was wearing thin.

"It wouldn't matter anyway, because I'm imm-" He stopped himself. "I'm technically kind of homeless."

The girl looked mortified. "This was such a mistake," she sighed, exasperated. "Look I - I'm sorry about your situation. But I just came out to have some fun, not to babysit a clingy homeless man." She looked at him a bit regretfully. "You should try to get some help," she said softly.

"Yeah, whatever," Nathan said and lit up another cigarette. He didn't even look at her as she walked away.

Simon felt incredibly awkward. He wasn't supposed to see that. Nathan never really seemed more pitiable to him than he did in this moment. Simon almost wanted to become visible and approach him just to comfort him. But there were about a dozen reasons why that would just make everything worse.

"Could have gone worse," Nathan muttered to himself. Simon followed him for a short time as he left the bar and started to head in the direction of the community centre.

Simon walked home and tried to pretend that he never saw any of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was such a bitch to write. I hate that this felt like Nathan was cheating on his little handsome shark even though they're not even together smh.
> 
> Gay shit coming up real soon! It's going to be fun.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days actually were fairly normal.

Nathan left Simon alone more. He would still occasionally insult him like usual. But he stopped touching Simon altogether; not even just in a flirtatious way.

Simon hated that he missed it. He had gotten used to Nathan touching him all the time. Simon was uncomfortable with intimacy, but it was intimate in the way that it was often casual and rote, as if it were completely natural. It felt unnatural to lose the intimacy that had been developing ever since they first met.

But maybe things could go back to the way they were before. Simon felt a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach like regret. If he had just went along with Nathan...Nathan probably would have just made fun of Simon's neediness and how much he desperately he wanted Nathan to like him.

But that glimmer of hope for the opportunity to turn their friendship into something deeper makes Simon's stomach flop. He wanted to be closer to Nathan, not more distant. He'd take whatever he could get as long as the offer was genuine.

Nathan was lonely and desperate for company attention. Simon could see that. He just hated that he was an easy target for Nathan's teasing because he wanted the exact same thing from Nathan. He and Nathan had never bonded over feelings of loneliness. Anything related to that topic was just insults, teasing, and defensiveness.

Simon remembered Nathan staring up at him with adoring eyes, saying that he wanted to know everything about him. That was different from the Nathan who couldn't be bothered to learn his name even two months after they met. Nathan _still_ never calls him by his real name.

It was too good to be true. He just wanted Nathan to like him for who he is. But he knows that will never actually happen. They're too different. But he can't help but like Nathan anyway.

This was stupid. He was finally a member of the group. They were all friends, now. He shouldn't want for anything more.

This was as good as it was going to get. He had to be okay with that.

\-----

"So," Shaun said one morning, "tonight we're having another party. You lot are going to help set it up."

"For what?" Kelly asked.

"Members of the community who are recovering from drug addictions. There will be seminars and awareness raising, but we're having a huge celebration later."

"So I take it there's not going to any be drugs and alcohol like every half-decent party," Nathan said with a sigh.

"Alcohol, yes, actually," Shaun said. "Drugs, no."

"That's a bit retarded, isn't it? What if they go from being depraved drug addicts to messed up alcoholics? No offense," Nathan motioned to Alisha and Curtis.

"Prick," Curtis mumbled.

"Hey," Nathan asked Shaun, "do you think we could convince them to give us all their leftover drugs? Like, for the benefit of the community! Donate all your illegal substances to people who are already criminals. Let the normal people deal with sobriety."

Kelly kicked him to shut him up.

Shaun didn't dignify it with a response. "Also, just as a warning, volunteers from the church are helping set up, too."

" _Shit,_ " Nathan said.

"I expect you'll all be on your best behaviour?" Shaun asked.

"Why do you give a shit all of a sudden?" Alisha asked.

"I don't," Shaun admitted. "Just saying it as a formality. In case you screw up, I can't say I didn't try." He walked off.

"He's such a dickhead," Nathan said. "Hey," he said, and pushed Simon, "do you want to kill him?"

"W-why would I?" Simon asked. He was suddenly aware that it was the first physical contact they had in days.

"Why wouldn't you? Isn't killing probation workers kind of your thing?"

"He's a dick, but that actually helps us," Curtis interjected. "If they replace him with a probation worker that actually gives a shit, we'll probably get caught."

"In that case, just do your rewind bullshit," Nathan said.

"You know it doesn't work like that," he said, exasperated from having to explain it all the time. "Besides, when it comes to the daily basis shit, the new probation worker would probably push us to do more work every day."

Nathan sighed. "I guess you're right. This is still bullshit, though."

\-----

Later that day, a woman from the church showed up with a bunch of volunteers to explain how to set everything up.

"This is really important. We want to make this the best celebration we can so that these wonderful people have an incentive to stay healthy."

The gang shared deadpanned, bored looks with each other.

"You can all work in groups to make the job easier. As an incentive for all of _you_ , the group that gets the most done will earn 50 pounds, although if you work in a group you will have to figure out how to split it."

"I call being with Barry!" Nathan said and grabbed Simon.

Alisha and Kelly exchanged glances.

"Anyone want to pair up with me?" Curtis asked.

"No offense mate, but I think me and Alisha are together," Kelly said.

"Your loss," Curtis said with a sly smile. "It just means I get the 50 pounds all to myself." He quickly and enthusiastically went right to work.

"Everything is such a competition with him," Alisha said quietly.

Nathan just excitedly put his arm around Simon's  
shoulders as they headed to set things up.

\-----

"So. This is nice," Nathan said while Simon was unloading boxes of party supplies all by himself.

"What is?" Simon asked.

"Getting you to do everything for me."

Simon felt a flash of annoyance. "You're not even going to pretend to want to help out?"

"Look man, it's just better like this. I am totally shit at getting things done. You are methodically perfect at everything - like a serial killer! We balance each other out! At least that gives other groups a chance! If we really teamed up, we'd be _unstoppable._ "

Simon was reminded of being in school and having to do all the work on group projects alone because everyone else just wanted to socialize with each other, and they knew that they could take advantage of him.

"We could call ourselves the 'Invinsible Cunts'," Nathan added.

"Do you mean invisible or invincible?"

Nathan snapped his fingers and raised his eyebrows. "Exactly!"

Simon pondered for a moment. "I don't think I'd call you invincible, actually."

Nathan raised his eyebrow questioningly. "What do you mean? Of course I am."

Simon shook his head. "You're less like Superman, and more like... Ra's al Ghul or something. Just without the Lazarus Pits."

Nathan was staring at Simon blankly.

"I mean, you can still get hurt. You can still die. You just regenerate. So I think that makes you more immortal than invincible. But..." Simon said, "we don't actually know if there are limits to your power, such as dying from old age or disease. Or if there's any other way you can die permanently. Or...or if you're just going to outlive everyone you love. Or even worse, if you're going to outlive all of the human race." Simon frowned.

"God, now you're making me paranoid that there's going to be some bullshit limitation. Like, I can get impaled, shot, beaten to death, whatever, and that's all fine. But what if some bloke comes along and just," Nathan mimed pulling a sword out and swinging it around, "fucking chops my head off. And then, bam! Just like that. I'm dead forever. Like in _Highlander_."

Simon frowned even deeper. "Just try not to get decapitated in the first place."

"What, do you think I purposely try to make people want to murder me?"

"Well..." Simon said with a slight smirk. "You do make it tempting sometimes."

" _Ouch_. You're breaking my heart, Barry."

Simon rolled his eyes.

Since Nathan was still refusing to help out, Simon asked, "You don't even want to try to go for the 50 quid?" Simon thought Nathan would have been more competitive.

"I feel like it would be morally irresponsible for me to let you win any of it. For all I know, you'd put it all into your paedo ring."

Simon glared at him and opened his mouth to defend himself.

Nathan quickly shushed him before he could say anything. "Okay, fine. You're not a paedo. You'd probably actually just spend it on some nerd shite."

After a moment, Simon said, "You could still use the 25 for yourself."

"And do what? I'm living in the community centre rent free, and I can steal everything else I need. I'm set for life. 25, or even 50 quid wouldn't do anything to elevate my living situation, anyway."

"I don't know. You could still spend it on something nice." Simon thought for a few seconds. "Like, food or something."

"Are you offering to buy me dinner?"

Simon's heart quickened. "What? No. That - that doesn't even make sense."

"Oh, I see. You'd rather let me starve to death because you're a sadistic little psychopath."

"I'm not. And you're immortal, anyway."

Nathan pouted. "But what if starvation is the thing that permanently kills me? You're the one who got me worried about that in the first place. Would you be able to live yourself if you just let me die like that?"

Nathan was being insufferable. Simon just ignored him and got back to work.

\-----

After a while, Nathan sighed and said, "Are you mad at me?"

Simon didn't really know. He was annoyed, at the least.

"I'm just trying to do this. You're not even bothering to help."

Nathan didn't take the cue to start helping out. He just spaced out in thought for a few moments.

"Why don't you like me?" Nathan asked out of the blue, breaking the silence.

"What?" Simon asked, surprised.

"Whenever I talk to you lately, you act like you want to be literally anywhere else except for with me."

There were a lot of things that Simon could have said. ' _Because you're rude, insensitive, obnoxious, annoying, confusing -'_

"I do you like you," is what Simon actually said. It was true, after all. But it's not something he probably would have admitted to Nathan under different circumstances.

"Of course you do. I'm universally popular and well-liked. But you never _act_ like you like me."

Simon didn't really know how to respond to this. Any time he tried to be friendly towards Nathan, Nathan would make fun of him. But Nathan was acting like his feelings were genuinely hurt.

"You don't act like you like _me_ ," Simon argued.

"Of course I do!" Nathan exclaimed as if it were obvious.

"You - you make fun of me. You call me names. You humiliate me."

"Yeah, and why do you think I do that?"

Simon stared at him. "Because you don't actually like me. You -"

"No, you twat," Nathan said. "I'm so mean to you because I love you!"

"W-what?"

"You heard me. Its just good natured teasing. It's because we're so close, you and me. That's what best mates do. You would know that if you actually had more friends."

Simon ignored the insult. "You've always been mean to me. Ever since the beginning. The first thing you ever said to me was that I looked like a panty sniffer."

Nathan shrugged. "What if I just fell deeply in love with you the second I looked into your creepy eyes and insulted you to cover it up?"

Simon was even more annoyed now.

"You're just taking the piss."

Nathan didn't confirm or deny it.

"Look, can we just kiss and make up now?"

Simon stared at him, wide-eyed. Kissing Nathan was the absolute last thing he wanted to think about right now. Or ever.

Nathan noticed Simon's anxiousness. "It's an expression, you twat. What else were you thinking of?"

"You're doing it again. Calling me names," Simon frowned.

"Alright! I'm sorry. I'm tired of fighting," Nathan said. As if it wasn't his fault to begin with. "I just want you love me again."

Simon didn't know whether he wanted to say _'It's okay, I do still love you'_ to make Nathan feel better or, _'What are you talking about? I never loved you in the first place,'_  so that Nathan couldn't make fun of him or reject him or call him gay or throw it back in his face in any way. He didn't really know which response would be closer to the truth, either.

"Come on, Barry," Nathan pleaded.

"You're serious?" Simon asked.

"Yes, I am. Is it so hard to believe?"

Simon made a face at him.

"Alright, do you want me to beg you? Say pretty please? You would probably like that, wouldn't you, you little freak?" Nathan teased.

Simon laughed a little in spite of himself at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Nathan took that as a cue to keep going.

"Oh, Barry," he swooned. "You know I'd do _anything_  for you as long as you take me back into your strong, loving arms." He held onto Simon's arms and stroked them.

Simon's breath hitched all of a sudden.

He glanced away so he didn't have to look Nathan in the eyes.

There was a small group of volunteers from the church staring right at them. Nathan followed his gaze and noticed them, too.

Nathan looked into Simon's eyes and whispered, "They probably think we're gay or something." He laughed. "Do you want to put on a little show for them?"

"N-no." Why was Nathan even saying this?

Nathan didn't pull back. He was still holding onto Simon and looking into his eyes.

"We're - we're making a scene," Simon whispered.

"Good," Nathan said, confusing Simon even more.

" _Think about it_ ," he elaborated. "They've probably never seen an actual pair of homosexuals in their life. I bet they'd literally shit themselves if you kissed me right now. It's a brilliant idea."

"We're not even homosexuals." Simon was searching Nathan's face for any hint of a joke.

"What does it matter?" Nathan asked.

Simon stared at Nathan, absolutely bewildered.

"Come on, just kiss me," Nathan whispered. "Kiss me, Barry."

"I don't - I don't want to kiss you," Simon said, but involuntarily glanced at Nathan's lips. It would be so easy to just do it.

This was bad. He got the sense to finally push Nathan away.

"Alright," Nathan said. "Or don't. It doesn't matter to me."

Simon felt dizzy. He ran his hands through his hair out of nervousness.

"Soooo...are we good, then?" Nathan asked. "Nathan and Barry, best friends forever?"

"Sure," Simon said and stared at Nathan. "If - if that's what you really want." It was kind of hard to believe any of this was happening, but Simon didn't want to take it for granted in case Nathan actually was being serious.

Nathan smiled and manhandled him into a hug, and Simon just hoped that Nathan couldn't feel how fast his heart was beating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more gay shit coming up! Yay!


	6. Chapter 6

They eventually managed to get everything set up for the party. A group of volunteers won the the 50 pounds, but Curtis seemed to support their idea to donate it back to the organization. Simon figured that Curtis actually cared more about the competition than the money. He also must have regretted getting nicked for drug possession.

Curtis and Simon had never been particularly close, but one day they had got to talking about the decisions they made that lead to them getting community service. Curtis told Simon about going back in time again and again to the night of his arrest. He tried so many different things until he was finally able to save his girlfriend from getting hurt and prevent himself from getting arrested. He had a bright future ahead of him. But walking past the community centre, he saw that everyone else had died - except Nathan, of course. So, Curtis knowingly allowed himself to be arrested again even though that meant giving up his future just to prevent Simon's, Alisha's, and Kelly's deaths.

It sounded like such an easy decision for him. Simon, admittedly, probably would have done the same. But would Simon's decision be out of selflessness, or would his desire to be apart of the group be selfish?

Curtis mentioned seeing Simon at the club the night that Matt had rejected him. He almost wanted to ask Curtis why he didn't try to prevent everyone else from getting arrested. But that would have taken a tremendous amount of effort. There's no guarantee that Curtis would have been able to even if he tried. But, Simon didn't want to plant that idea into Curtis's brain, either. Being sentenced to community service was probably the best thing that ever happened to Simon, and he didn't want to go back to the way things were before.

Simon was happy now. He had a real group of friends. Even if he wasn't especially close to them on a personal level, they still liked him and valued him. That was good enough for him. He just wanted to belong somewhere.

The rest of the gang all seemed excited for the party. Simon normally avoided parties since he's had bad experiences with them in the past. But he wanted to fit in with everyone else, even if that meant squashing down some of the discomfort that comes with being around so many people he doesn't know. But he has been genuinely enjoying himself at parties lately when he's in the company of his friends. It was nice to be able to have fun with them.

That doesn't mean he has to like being around strangers more than he has to. He went up to the roof to enjoy his solitude for a bit and listen to music he actually likes before going back down and joining the party.

_'Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty,_  
_Sound of their breath fades with the light,_  
_I think about the loveless fascination,_  
_Under the Milky Way tonight._

_Lower the curtain down in Memphis,_  
_Lower the curtain down all right,_  
_I got no time for private consultation,_  
_Under the Milky Way tonight._

_Wish I knew what you were looking for,_  
_Might have known what you would find._

_And it's something quite peculiar,_  
_Something that's shimmering and white,_  
_It leads you here despite your destination,_  
_Under the Milky Way tonight.'_

\-----

When Simon went back downstairs, the party was already well underway. He couldn't spot anyone he knew in the crowd at first.

"Oi, Simon!" he heard from across the room.

He smiled and walked towards Kelly who was standing with Alisha.

He looked around. "Where are Nathan and Curtis?"

"Curtis and Nikki went off somewhere. They're probably shagging in a storage closet or some shit." Kelly said.

"And Nathan?" Simon asked again.

"Haven't seen him. He's probably fucked off somewhere, too," she said with a shrug.

"But... he lives here." Simon furrowed his brows. "Where else would he go?"

"Fuck if I know."

Simon felt his heart drop with disappointment. He wanted to tell her that she should have _some_ kind of idea due to her mind reading ability, but she probably didn't care enough to talk to Nathan before the party, let alone try to read his mind. And Simon didn't really want her to know that he cared.

"Why?" she asked. "You looking for him?"

Simon shook his head. "Just... Just wondering."

Simon didn't really have anything else to do without Nathan's company, so he just stayed close to Kelly and Alisha.

\-----

The girls were nice enough. Simon appreciated that Kelly always tried to include him in things, but he still felt out of place around the two of them. They kept running into other people they knew, leaving Simon all alone for a few periods of time. They'd talk and laugh with each other, and Simon would feel like he was fundamentally missing something, but he'd smile along anyway. Every now and then they'd try harder to include him in the conversation by asking him questions, but he felt like he didn't truly belong around the two of them.

Simon realized whenever they were all together, he always clung to Nathan. He didn't really know what to do without him. Nathan had such a large presence that it felt like there was just something missing without him.

Out of everyone in the group, he spent the most time with Nathan one-on-one. And even though he felt so out of his element alone with Nathan, weirdly enough, he was always comfortable with him, even when Nathan deliberately made things uncomfortable. For all of Nathan's teasing and insults, Simon never felt like he had to be anything other than his true self around Nathan. Simon felt like if he was any different, then Nathan wouldn't be as interested in him. Even though that interest often took the form of teasing, Simon preferred it to being ignored.

Simon didn't want to be thinking about these things, especially in front of Kelly. He excused himself to the toilets just to be alone and clear his head.

\-----

When Simon got to the toilets, he rubbed his eyes and spaced out for a few seconds, simply enjoying the reprieve from the party and the opportunity to be alone for a while.

"Pssst. Barry!"

Nathan's voice startled Simon.

Nathan laughed. "Imagine how much funnier that would have been if I had your power. I could just like, materialise in front of you whenever I want and startle you so much that you shit yourself."

"What are you doing in here?" Simon asked. Judging by the way Nathan was lurking about, Simon assumed he wasn't just in here to use the loo.

"Hiding," Nathan said.

"From what?"

"I dunno, everything?"

Simon made a confused face at him.

"See, I'm kind of traumatised by these community centre parties, you know, on account of the whole granny shagging incident. If I hook up with a fit bird, how will I know she's not going to turn into an elderly woman? Or - or some kind of other weird shit!"

"Just don't shag someone you don't know. Then you won't have to sorry about anything like that," Simon teased.

"What an utterly virgin-like thing to say."

Simon didn't really care. "At least I've never shagged a granny," he said with a smirk.

"Oh, how cute. The little pervert that has sex with melons is trying to act all superior to me."

All Simon could do was roll his eyes and smile. This was just who Nathan was. Simon kind of liked the teasing. He likes the attention. He likes Nathan.

"Also, the last time there was a weird religious cult here, I died. That wasn't very fun.",

"Just try not to fall off a roof this time," Simon suggested.

"You could have saved me!"

"I really tried," Simon said with a frown. All that time when Nathan was in the coffin and Simon thought he was truly dead, Simon was torturing himself with guilt over his inability to save Nathan. He'd watch all the videos he had of Nathan every night, and he spent most of his waking moments haunted with guilt. That guilt never fully dissipated, even after Nathan was revealed to be alive and well.

While Simon was lost in his thoughts, Nathan lightly pushed him backwards against the locker. Nathan leaned over Simon and put his arm above his head, effectively trapping him in place.

"So, do you want to get out of here?" Nathan asked.

"I - What?" Simon asked, trying to comprehend the situation.

"Let's just fuck off and abandon the party."

"Why?"

"I don't want to just hide in the toilets all night. And I have nowhere else to go. I can't just go home - This is my home! All these twats are just invading my personal space."

"What about your mum's place?" Simon didn't really expect Nathan to want to stay with his mum tonight anyway, but he was genuinely curious about the situation.

"Nah. She hates me."

"I doubt that's true." Simon didn't really know if it was true or not, but he felt like he needed to comfort Nathan.

"Of _course_  she hates me. She chose her psycho, rough trade, gay, rapist, werewolf boyfriend over me. What kind of mother does that to her son?"

Nathan folded his arms. "She couldn't even be bothered to show up to my funeral, and that's when she thought I was dead-dead. After I told her I was immortal, instead of being so happy to see me again and apologising  for acting like a total cunt to me, she just blames me for everything. She says it's my fault she planted face forward onto the ground in shock, and - Well, maybe it was a little bit. But she blames me for making her mourn me, as if I chose to die! Even if I committed suicide or some shit, she could have shown a little sympathy, considering it would be partially her fault anyway."

Simon was stunned by Nathan's openness. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't think of the words.

Nathan just continued talking. "And my dad - God, if I tried to explain all my problems with my dad, we'd be talking for the rest of your life. And my brother is dead, and I can't even talk to his spirit anymore. I think he's moved on to the afterlife, if there even is such a thing."

Nathan looked away. "You're really all I've got, Barry," he added, almost softly.

It sounded sincere. Simon was somehow expecting this to be a joke, but it wasn't.

Simon wanted to reach out, touch him, comfort him in some way. But he was too awkward to really know how to do that. It's not like his relationship with Nathan was devoid of physical contact, but comfort and affection would be a new thing. There was a chance Nathan would freak out at that.

"You look like a miserable cunt as well," Nathan stated. "Or are you out there mingling, making new friends?"

"Not really," Simon admitted.

"Of course you aren't. So, you wanna get out of here? Spend a little time with your best mate?"

This was great, actually. The chance to get away from all of this. To be with Nathan, like he had been hoping to all night. Maybe being alone with him would help Simon gauge where they stand with each other now.

Simon nodded. "What do you want to do?"

"Literally anything but this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced in this chapter is [Under the Milky Way by The Church](https://youtube.com/watch?v=pWxJEIz7sSA).
> 
> I also considered using [Isolation by Joy Division](https://youtube.com/watch?v=-bkcPS3GHQY) instead, but there are so many other Joy Division/New Order references I want to make (spoiler alert: there's one next chapter!) that it's just going to get ridiculous if I don't reference any other bands too, lmao.


	7. Chapter 7

"What do you usually do when you go out with friends?" Nathan asked as they were leaving the community centre.

"I don't really go out with friends. Except for all of you," Simon admitted. They were his only friends, after all. "What do you do?"

"Get completely shitfaced, pissed, and intoxicated. What else is there to do?"

Simon didn't really have any better ideas. "I guess we can do that."

"Alright, man. Let's hit up an off-licence and we'll go from there."

Simon nodded. This was really happening. He was going to get pissed with Nathan.

* * *

"Do you have any money with you?" Nathan asked as they were staring at all the liquor.

"No. I didn't bring any."

"Shit. Neither did I. You know, I'm skint anyway. I'm pretty sure I spent the last of my money on the vending machines."

"I thought you said you planned to never spend any money on it. That's why you made me buy you a drink."

"Yeah, I said that. But sometimes I'm just desperate for something - anything to eat, and I can't get the damn thing to work. So I compromise my values and actually pay for it," Nathan said with a sigh.

Simon frowned thinking about Nathan's lifestyle and how little he takes care of himself. Simon almost wished that he could take care of Nathan instead.

Nathan looked around for any CCTV cameras, and handed Simon a pack of beer. "Do your little invisible cunt thing," he whispered.

Simon complied, though he didn't know why he did so without even questioning it.

"Sweet. It actually works! The beer turned invisible, too," Nathan said and reached out to try to grab Simon. Simon turned visible again, and Nathan held onto his shoulders.

"Alright, so let's just walk out the door," Nathan said with a smile on his face.

"You want me to steal it?" Simon asked.

"Do you have a problem with that? We're already criminals!"

Simon merely frowned. "Well -"

Even though they were already whispering, Nathan leaned in to whisper into Simon's ear. His breath was warm, and Simon was acutely aware of their proximity. "We do all sorts of illegal shit. _We've even murdered people_."

"That was because we had to. If we get caught...we could go to jail, or have our probation sentences extended," Simon whispered back, looking into Nathan's eyes.

"Well in that case, we would just get to spend more time together."

Simon hated how much he liked that idea. He was aware that once their community service was over, everyone would be free to go their separate ways. They might not want to spend any more time with Simon once they lost the structure of court ordered community service. Even if everyone promised to keep in contact, life would go on and they would inevitably drift apart. Simon had begun to dread the fact that it would all be over in a few weeks.

Nathan rubbed Simon's shoulder. "Look, if we pull it off, no one's even going to know in the first place."

Nathan snuck some biscuits into Simon's jacket pocket, and looked at him in a way that made Simon want to do anything for him. So, Simon decided to go along with the plan.

Nathan saluted the cashier as they walked out together.

* * *

When Nathan stepped outside, he was looking around behind him, as if looking to see if Simon was following him.

He walked towards the back of the building where they were out of sight and said, "Alright, Mr. Invisible Cunt. Show yourself."

Simon did. He put the pack of beer in Nathan's arms because he didn't feel like carrying it.

Nathan was obviously a bit annoyed by this, but took it anyway. 

"Look at you," he said. "Becoming a proper criminal now. How the hell have we not exploited your power for crimes before? This was a brilliant idea."

"It's not like we robbed a bank or anything."

"We could."

Simon laughed. "Not tonight, at least."

"Maybe later then."

* * *

 

They found a flyover to sit under. They had just opened the pack of beers, and Nathan quickly got to drinking.

Simon felt like it was pretty surreal to be sitting here with Nathan, just the two of them. Simon had spent more time alone with Nathan than anyone else in the gang, but it still didn't happen that often. He was just listening to sounds of the traffic above him, and feeling the wind on his face.

"So this is fun, huh?" Nathan asked, breaking the silence.

"I suppose so."

Nathan clearly wasn't satisfied with that response. "What, would you rather be back at the community centre, all lonely and shit?"

"I - I didn't say that." He didn't appreciate the jab Nathan made, either.

"Look, man, you need to loosen up. Enjoy the moment that you're sharing with your best friend. Maybe we just need to get extremely pissed."

He handed Simon a beer. Simon took it, not knowing what else to do.

"Do you ever have fun?"

"Sometimes."

"I'd love to see that." Nathan lit a joint. "You ever smoke, Barry?"

Simon shook his head. "I don't do drugs."

Nathan squinted his eyes. "You commit theft, arson, and murder, but marijuana is where you draw the line? Nice to know you've got your morals in order."

Simon laughed a little in spite of himself. "I didn't...I didn't say I had a problem with it. Just that it's not something I do."

"Alright," Nathan said. "Well..." He took a drag of the joint, held the smoke in his mouth, and in a quick, fluid motion he cupped Simon's face and put their lips together. He tried to blow the smoke into Simon's mouth, but by then, Simon had registered what was happening and shoved Nathan off of him.

"What - what are you doing?" Simon asked and wiped his mouth.

"What do you think I was doing?"

"You - you kissed me..." Simon stared at him dumbfounded. His heart was racing so fast that he was almost sure he'd have a heart attack.

Nathan rolled his eyes and shoved his shoulder. "It's called 'shotgunning', you little twat. It's your first time smoking so I thought it would be nice to have you just inhale second-hand smoke instead of doing it on your own and coughing your lungs out."

_Oh._ That really does make a lot more sense. Simon was embarrassed that he thought it was anything else.

"But I guess I didn't take into account the possibility that you'd have a little gay panic freak out over it. Not _everything_ I do is to seduce you, you know. That's a bit narcissistic, don't you think?"

"Sh-shut up," Simon said and stole the joint from Nathan. He defiantly tried to inhale as much as he could. He really did just want to impress Nathan. Simon realised that he looked like the posterboy of a lonely kid succumbing to peer pressure but he really didn't care. It was just for Nathan. He'd do just about anything to make Nathan like him, and tried to ignore how troubling that was.

He then realised that it really was a mistake to try to take too much too fast. He coughed. He felt his eyes watering a bit. And then he felt Nathan's hand rub his back.

"It's okay," Nathan cooed. "You'll be alright. You'll get the hang of it."

Once Simon could breathe again, he tried to take another puff.

Nathan grabbed him by the wrist. "Okay, maybe you should slow down. I don't need you dying on me."

Simon glared at him. "I can handle it." He didn't like feeling patronised.

"We could try shotgunning again," Nathan offered. "As long as you promise not to freak out this time."

Simon thought about it, then finally nodded.

When Nathan put his lips against Simon's again, Simon tried really hard not think about how soft they were. He tried not to think about how it would feel to run his hands through Nathan's hair. He tried not to think about the sudden urge to pull him closer.

It was over before he could really do anything he would regret. Simon tried not to be disappointed. He exhaled.

"See, Barry? You're doing so well."

Simon couldn't handle the praise without blushing.

Nathan reached into Simon's jacket pocket, and Simon flinched a little.

Nathan had pulled out the bag of biscuits that they stole, and held it out in front of Simon. "Relax," he said and raised his eyebrows.

He opened the pack and handed it to Simon. "You're going to want these soon. Trust me."

Simon hadn't even thought about that. He forgot that they even had it. "Thanks."

"Here," Nathan said and actually tried to put one in Simon's mouth. Simon felt weird about the whole situation, but went along with it anyway. He laughed over how strange it all was.

"I'm a drug user now," Simon said. He laughed in disbelief.

"I'm such a bad influence aren't I? I'm corrupting you. Didn't your mum tell you to stay away from boys like me?"

"Um. Not really," Simon said awkwardly.

"Hey," Nathan said and put his hand on Simon's thigh. "Wanna take it to the next level?"

Simon stared at him with wide eyes.

"I could give you blowback. It's like, similar, but more intense. And it's less gay if that's what you're worried about. We don't even have to kiss," Nathan said.

"I - I'm not worried about it being gay," Simon said defensively. He looked at the hand that was on his thigh. _This is not gay._

"So you're okay with things being gay?"

"I..." Simon wanted to choose his words carefully. He didn't know what Nathan's aim was with the question. "I'm not gay. But I don't have a problem with gays. And - and I know it's not actually gay, so it's fine."

"Alright, whatever. You up for it, or not?"

"S-sure."

Nathan held the joint backwards in his mouth, and then blew into Simon's mouth. All in all, the experience wasn't that bad. But Simon almost missed the intimacy.

"So. That's what your jumpsuit means," Simon mused.

"Community Blowback?"

Simon nodded.

"What did you think it meant?"

"I - I don't know. I assumed it was...something sexual," Simon admitted.

Nathan's face lit up.

_That was a mistake._

"Really? Why don't you describe to me exactly what kind of sexual act you thought it meant. In detail."

"I don't - I mean, I didn't think about it, really. I just...assumed. Like it was something I've never heard of."

"I'm willing to bet you've heard of all kinds of kinky shit, so if it was a sexual term, you'd probably know what it meant. Or, at least your imagination would come up with something. So, you've never like, imagined me receiving some kind of blowjob and barebacking, then?"

" _What?_  N-no. No," Simon sputtered.

"But you are now. Oops. Sorry," Nathan shrugged.

_Why did he say_ receiving?

Nope. Nope. No. Simon was not going down that rabbit hole.

"Fuck off," Simon said.

"You don't really mean that. We're having a great time!"

Simon laughed. It was actually true. "Sure."

Nathan smiled at him, and Simon felt warm inside.

"Better than I was at the party, at least," Simon added.

"Exactly! This is great!" Nathan scooted closer to Simon. "Do you feel any different now?"

Simon shook his head. "Well - Maybe a little. But not really."

"I mean, you'll feel the high in a minute. But do you feel like a changed man now that I've properly deflowered you? Drug-wise at least?"

Simon made a face. _Why does he need to say it like that?_  "Not really. Like you said, we're already criminals. I've done worse."

"Like be a paedophile?"

"Fuck off," Simon said again.

"Hey! I'm just teasing! Please, forgive me!"

Simon rolled his eyes.

"We're partners in crime now, Barry."

There was something very intimate about this - ditching the party, just the two of them. Committing crimes. Just the two of them. Being here alone with Nathan, away from everybody else.

Simon laughed. "Yeah, I guess we are."

"Like Bonnie and Clyde. Or Thelma and Louise. Leopold and Loeb."

"That's not entirely accurate. We're not exactly murderers. We've only killed in self defense."

_'And we're not a couple'_ , Simon thought, but he didn't want to make explicit the implications in case they were actually unintentional.

"You're right," Nathan said. "And we're not Americans."

Simon laughed heartily. A bit more than he expected to. Nathan looked at him as if he was surprised that Simon was even capable of laughing.

"Look at you, having fun. Letting loose." Nathan shoved Simon's shoulder. Simon looked up to see Nathan gazing into his eyes.

Simon just looked away and took a drink. He suddenly felt shy. And incredibly thirsty.

"No, it's a good thing," Nathan clarified. "You're always so buttoned up." He leaned over and grabbed Simon's shirt collar. "I mean, literally." He stroked one of the buttons. "Every single day, you wear this shit."

Nathan pulled his hands away. Simon's heart was racing. He was momentarily worried Nathan was going to try to take his shirt off or something.

"It's just - I started trying to dress like Ian Curtis when I was a teenager. I even saved up all my money to buy a Mackintosh a few years ago, but I've only worn it a few times. Then I just kind of developed my own style."

"Like Curtis?" Nathan asked a bit absentmindedly.

Simon shook his head. "Not our friend Curtis. _Ian_  Curtis. Of Joy Division."

Simon got out his phone, and after a moment of hesitating, he picked a song. He didn't usually like making people listen to the music he likes because they would rarely get it. He hated the feeling of sharing it with someone and having them just not care, because it means a lot to him. But he wanted to share it with Nathan anyway.

_'I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,_  
_Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?_  
_These sensations barely interest me for another day,_  
_I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.'_

Nathan was just listening for a while, and then said, "Barry, is this your way of coming out to me as a homosexual?"

"I - What?"

"I mean, you're playing this song about a guy wanting another guy to hold his hand." He shot Simon a sly look. "Not very subtle."

Simon furrowed his eyebrows. "He said _guide_."

"Oh." Nathan made a face. "Well, that's a lot less interesting."

Simon said nothing and just took another drink.

"By the way, I'm still not satisfied with your little explanation. Do you _ever_ wear anything else? I can't even imagine you in a tee-shirt."

"I do wear tee-shirts," Simon said defensively.  Nathan didn't look convinced. "When it's warm out, at least."

"So never," Nathan said.

Simon laughed. He was doing that a lot, now. Nathan smiled back.

Nathan suddenly got an idea. "Have you ever worn drag?"

"Are - are you taking the piss?"

"No, man. I'm completely serious."

"No. I've never worn drag."

"Really? Not even once? You've never put on make-up and danced around to _Goodbye Horses_?"

"No," Simon said and shook his head. How was this a conversation he was having with Nathan right now?

"Why not? Are you afraid you'll like it too much?"

"I've just... never thought about doing it. Why are we even talking about this?"

Nathan shrugged. "Dunno. I was just curious. It seems like the kind of perverted thing you'd do, after all."

Simon had suspected that Nathan was asking him just to make fun of him and call him gay or something if he had answered yes. But come to think of it, Nathan had put on a bra once when they were sorting the donated clothes. That puts the question in a different light.

"Why? Have you?" Simon asked.

"Yeah," Nathan said with no hesitation or shame. "I mean, I'm not some kind of queen, don't get me wrong. But I do look damn good in women's clothes."

Simon was trying hard not to imagine it. He failed.

Nathan caught his expression and smiled. "If you saw it, it would probably make you question your sexuality - If you haven't already," Nathan said and raised his eyebrows.

Simon could feel himself starting to blush. "Why would - why would you assume that?"

"Look at me." Simon looked. Nathan motioned to his face. "Beautiful already." Simon stared at him. "And in drag, I'm even more beautiful. Not even the straightest man on earth would be able to resist me."

Simon shifted uncomfortably. He didn't want to be thinking about how attractive Nathan was, especially in Nathan's presence, and  _especially_ when Nathan was insinuating that Simon should find him attractive.

"But I don't know, maybe if you're super gay that would actually be a turn-off. You know, even though it's me, and I'm completely irresistible. Is that how that works?"

"I don't really know," Simon said. "Because I'm not gay."

"Sure you aren't."

"I'm not," he insisted.

"Okay. Well, for the record, I'm not gay either."

"But you wear women's clothes," Simon said dryly.

"Hey, how you dress doesn't determine your sexuality," Nathan chided.

It was weirdly progressive. He was right, of course. But Nathan didn't seems the type to draw the distinction.

"Like, it's just society that makes up all these rules," Nathan said. "Why do we have to put labels on everything? People should just do whatever they want. Follow their base instincts without having to worry about what's socially acceptable and shit."

"Yeah. That...that would be nice," Simon said. "But some rules are important. Or else everything would be chaos."

"Says the murderer that was arrested for arson," Nathan teased. "But you're right. Some shit is just dead wrong. Like being a paedophile, for example," he said and stared right at Simon.

"I'm not paedophile."

"Hey! I didn't actually say you were this time. You're the one that's jumping to conclusions. Suspicious, much?"

Simon just rolled his eyes and smiled. He should be offended. But he really wasn't.

"Anyway," Nathan said, "my first experience with crossdressing was when I was 14. My mum, being the total slag that she is, was at one of her boyfriends' houses, leaving me completely unattended. Anyway, all of my friends were busy and I had fuck all to do, so I started going through my mum's shit, right?"

Simon just nodded since he didn't know what else to say.

"So I'm going through her closet looking for something... Just, anything incriminating. Like a diary that says she's having an affair with a paedophile or something. I don't know! But then I pick up this dress to throw it out of the way and I notice that it's just the right size. You know, I was still a growing boy and I was about my mum's height, and slender, like a little twink."

"Why...why do you know what a twink is?" Simon asked suspiciously.

"Why do _you_?" Nathan countered immediately.

It was a fair question. But one Simon was caught off guard by. "Because... I've spent a lot of time on the internet."

"Watching a lot of gay porn?"

"N-no. I just - just come across some stuff, and I -"

" _Relax,_  Barry. I'm just kidding."

Nathan continued with the story without ever answering the question. "So anyway, I tried it on. It fit me perfectly. I looked drop dead gorgeous. Then I put on her makeup to complete the look." Nathan laughed. "And next thing I know, my mum comes barreling through the room. She just looked at me and -" Nathan reenacted her shocked expression and shrieked.

"What did you do?" Simon asked.

"Nothing. Until she got over herself and asked why I was wearing her clothes. I said it was because I looked beautiful. She got upset. Then I said she was just jealous that I was more beautiful than her. That just made her more upset," Nathan said with a laugh. "So she yells at me and tells me to leave. I get kicked out of the house, still in full drag. I had to hang around outside, waiting until after dark to try to go back home in case my mum was still mad at me. I'm surprised I didn't get approached by any paedophiles, honestly."

Simon was horrified. "That's terrible," he said with a frown.

"You have a problem with that, Barry?"

Simon looked into Nathan's eyes, trying to convey his sincerity. "No, not with you. I mean, your mum shouldn't have done that. She's supposed to take care of you. Not reject you."

Nathan shrugged and looked away. He was deflecting, but Simon could tell from the twitch in his jawline that it was upsetting him. "She probably thought I was some kind of queer. I think she still kind of does, to be honest."

_'Are you?'_  was the first thought that came to Simon's mind. It was something that Simon had been wondering about in the back of his head for the past few days. There had been signs ever since the beginning, but it wasn't anything that Simon cared to think about until recently. And he deliberately avoided thinking too much about it, because that would lead him down a rabbit hole of reading too much into Nathan's actions and having to examine his own feelings and why he even cares. That was not something Simon wanted to deal with right now. Nathan would probably not react well to a question like that, anyway.

"She still shouldn't treat you any different for it, no matter what," Simon offered.

Moments ago, Nathan had been telling the story as if it was some hilarious anecdote, but he seemed genuinely bothered by it now, and he was doing a poor job of concealing that. Simon was actually surprised that Nathan opened up this much. Nathan had seemed taken aback by Simon's genuine concern and the fact that Simon wasn't treating it as flippantly as Nathan was.

Simon got the urge to tell Nathan that everything is okay, that he doesn't deserve to be treated that way, and that he could confide in Simon any time he wanted to. But it was probably more emotional vulnerability than Nathan could handle in one night.

"It doesn't matter anymore, anyway. I'm out of her house for good. Now I'm living it up in a community centre. Living the dream!"

Simon avoided the urge to express overbearing concern about Nathan's living situation. He just laughed. "We could go out and steal you some more clothes. Go to...go to a drag bar or something, as a sort of 'fuck you' to what other people think."

"Barry, I never knew you had a sense of humour," Nathan said and lightly shoved him on the shoulder.

"I do. Sometimes." He smirked. "Or maybe I'm not joking." He wasn't sure why he said it. It came off as more flirtatious than he realized it would. It sounded too committal, too serious. He expected Nathan to accuse him of asking him on a date again.

"It's not exactly a thing I make a habit of. You know, I'm a butch, manly man. Still beautiful no matter what, though. But you know, when the opportunity arises..." He shrugged. "I haven't done any of that in a while. Usually it just happens every now and then after I hook up with some girl. I put on her clothes the next day as an 'accident' and blame it on still being drunk from the night before."

Simon tried not to feel bothered over Nathan talking about hooking up with girls. Of course he knew that Nathan wasn't actually gay. But he shouldn't even care either way.

Nathan smiled and looked like he was about to say something else, and then Simon's mobile buzzed.

_'oi simon we was wondering where u r x'_

"Who's that?" Nathan asked nosily. "Your girlfriend?"

Simon shook his head. Nathan knew full well that Simon didn't have a girlfriend. "It's Kelly. She wants to know where I am."

Nathan raised his eyebrows. "Are you and Kelly going together, then?"

Simon furrowed his brows. "No. We're just friends." The idea that Nathan would think anything else was preposterous.

After a moment, Simon asked hesitantly, "Do you still fancy her?"

"Nah. She said she thinks of me as her cousin. Even though it's ridiculous that she's no longer into me, that basically killed all the sexual tension. I don't want to shag my cousin, either. Besides, I can't believe I was willing to shag a chav in the first place."

Simon wanted to defend her, but didn't want Nathan to accuse _him_  of fancying her.

Simon's mobile buzzed again after a few minutes.

_'me n alisha wanted 2 b sure ur ok. u just disappeared x'_

"What should I say?" Simon asked. Maybe Nathan would be too embarrassed to admit that he was out with Simon right now.

"Tell her you're out on a hot date. That would be hilarious since it's obviously a lie."

Simon sighed.

  _'I'm with Nathan.'_

It was the truth, at least.

Another text.

_' ;)'_

Simon stared at his mobile. _What the fuck is that supposed to mean?_

And another one.

_'sorry mate lmao alisha made me send tht x'_

Simon stared at his mobile for a few more seconds. He wasn't sure what to make of that.

"Well, you're texting up a storm. Should I be jealous that you'd rather text Kelly than talk to me?"

Simon stared at Nathan in confusion, and Nathan took advantage of the confusion to steal Simon's mobile.

"Nathan -" Simon's heart was racing. He was so embarrassed. He tried to steal the phone back, but Nathan evaded him. He was typing something.

Simon felt himself blushing. Nathan looked back at Simon when he was done, and rolled his eyes. "Ugh, fine, you can have it back," he said and threw it at Simon. Simon just barely caught it.

He read the text Nathan sent.

_'i finally asked Nathan on a date because i could no longer resist his charms and drop dead gorgeous looks. wish me luck!!!! ;) <3 xoxoxo'_

Simon's heart just about stopped. "Why would you - why would you write that?"

Nathan rolled his eyes. "Because it's hilarious."

Simon frowned. "It's really not."

His mobile buzzed again.

  _'ughhhh nathan im going to fckin kill u x'_

Another buzz.

  _'then alisha wants to kill u next x'_

Simon couldn't help but laugh. "Kelly says she's going to kill you, and then Alisha's going to kill you next."

Nathan just shrugged. Then he slung his arm around Simon's shoulders. "Let them. I think they're just jealous of our love."

Nathan stared at Simon's eyes. Simon couldn't handle that and immediately averted his eyes to his phone. He was trying to will himself not to blush.

_'Don't mind him. He's just being a prick like usual.'_

Nathan was reading it over his shoulder.

"Okay. Touchy. You really need to lighten up. A few more beers, maybe some more puffs?" Nathan asked.

Simon was suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "I should - I should probably leave soon."

Simon stood up. Nathan pulled on his sleeve.

"But Barry, the night is still young! We could do all that stuff you mentioned about stealing dresses and going to drag bars."

Simon knew he would regret saying that. "It was...it was a joke."

"Sure it was," Nathan said, then pulled away and lit his own joint.

Simon was worried he'd done something wrong.

"Look...I can stay a bit longer. But my mum will be worried if I stay out too long."

"So you want to go home to your mum smelling like marijuana? I'm sure that would go over well."

_Shit_. Simon hadn't even thought about that.

Nathan then blew smoke onto him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Simon was annoyed that Nathan would be so childish, but it was Nathan after all.

"Fine, fine, I'll stop. Just stay for a while?" Nathan pleaded gave Simon puppy dog eyes. It was so manipulative, but it was working.

"Besides, you're an adult," Nathan said. "Your mum can't control everything you do."

It was true. Simon had wanted to be more independent.

"Alright. I'll stay."

Nathan held his hand out.

Simon looked at him funnily.

"Help me up!"

"You can help yourself up," Simon said.

So, Nathan forcefully grabbed Simon's hand and lifted himself off the ground.

Caught off guard, Simon wasn't able to help him up smoothly, so Nathan almost crashed into Simon. Simon held his hand against Nathan's chest to stabilise him.

Nathan was just staring into Simon's eyes. Simon realised that he was practically holding Nathan's hand, and that his other hand was on Nathan's chest. And that their faces were really, _really_ close.

_'This is not gay,'_  Simon tried to tell himself. It still felt really gay. He withdrew from the touch.

At least Nathan didn't comment on it.

"So - so what do you want to do now?" Simon asked hoping to break the tension. "Besides go to a drag bar. We could do that another night," Simon joked, but he actually wasn't that opposed to the idea. He just did not want to do that now.

"Well, if you're done with me, you could at least walk me home," Nathan sighed.

"It's not like I don't want to be with you," Simon said with a frown.

"You just have better shit to do?"

"No. But I need to get home at some point."

"Unless we have a little sleepover at the community centre. You could even move in with me. We'll be like flatmates!"

Simon laughed. "That is definitely not going to happen."

If Simon didn't know any better, Nathan would seem disappointed. "Alright. Fine."

"There might still be people there. We can stay out," Simon offered.

"Nah. I'll deal with it."

Simon frowned. "But I thought you wanted to get away from the party."

"Awww, I didn't know you cared so much about my feelings, Barry," Nathan swooned. "But I don't actually care that much about it."

"But you said -"

"I mean, I didn't really want to party with all those cunts. Sure. But maybe I was just looking for an excuse to get you to come out with me."

"Right," Simon said disbelievingly. "And what if I never went into the toilets and found you lurking around?"

Nathan shrugged. "I'd probably get bored and start propositioning anyone else who came in there."

Simon's heart sank. He didn't want to think about Nathan hooking up with other people. It was not like he wanted to hook up with Nathan instead, but...

"I thought you were trying to avoid just that. Because the girl might turn into a granny or something."

"Yeah. That's still true. But get me horny enough and I'll shag _anyone_. Or any _thing_. Or even just if I'm bored enough. I'm a total slag."

"Well, I guess it's good you're out with me, then. I'm saving you from yourself," Simon teased.

"Yeah. Your virginal purity is rubbing off on me. If only it went the other way and my horniness rubbed off on you, maybe even literally."

" _What?_ " Simon asked stopping dead in his tracks.

"Nothing," Nathan said, completely casually.

"Um. Okay."

"Learn how to take a joke, Barry," Nathan said and shoved him.

"You have a really weird sense of humour."

"So do you, then. I saw you smiling."

Simon laughed earnestly at the whole situation.

"Don't worry. I'm not actually trying to shag you right now. I'm not _that_  much of a slag. But buy me a drink or two and we'll see where it goes from there," Nathan said with a wink.

"Fuck you," Simon said.

"Oh, that's just low hanging fruit, Barry. You're practically begging me to say ' _fuck me_ ', but nope, I'm not going to do it. I'm not giving you the satisfaction."

Simon just smiled.

"Pervert," Nathan teased.

"I'm not."

"Yeah, you are."

"No I'm not."

" _Yeah_ , you are."

"There's no use trying to convince you otherwise, is there?" Simon asked with a smile.

"Nope."

"Well, at least I'm not a granny-shagger," Simon teased.

"Because you've never shagged anyone. Are you just saving yourself for marriage or something?"

"No. It's just...never really happened." Simon was suddenly uncomfortable with the subject change.

"You're saving it for someone special?"

"You wouldn't understand," Simon said defensively.

"Hey! Maybe I would."

"I don't know. Maybe," he sighed. "No one's ever been interested in me like that before - at least no one I've liked back, so I've just never had the opportunity to find out." Simon felt awkward explaining this to Nathan, of all people.

"Well, that's good to know."

Simon looked at him quizzically.

"I'm not trying to shag you. Just...trying to understand you, that's all."

"Um. Right. Why - why are we even talking about this?"

"I thought talking about your sexuality was fair game. Would you rather I go back to calling you a paedo?"

"No." Actually, he kind of did. That felt more familiar, at least. More routine. But Simon didn't want to give Nathan that much.

"Melonfucker," Nathan muttered.

"Granny-shagger," Simon retorted.

They were both laughing now.

* * *

 

"So, " Nathan said as they arrived at the community centre. "We're here!"

Simon nodded, a bit disappointed that the night had to come to an end.

Neither of them spoke for a while, or moved at all. Simon felt as if he was frozen, stuck in the limbic space of not wanting to end the night.

"So are you just going to stand there staring at me all night? Either come in with me or fuck off," Nathan said after a while.

"I - I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Do I at least get a kiss good night?" Nathan asked.

Simon laughed. "Fuck off."

He was still standing there, reluctant to leave. It was getting weirdly tense.

"I should...get going."

"Then go."

Simon looked at him one last time, then turned to walk away.

Nathan suddenly grabbed Simon, spun him around, and planted a kiss on his cheek. Simon stared at Nathan blankly for a few seconds, and Nathan stared back. Then, he finally let go of Simon's shoulders and Simon walked away, heart racing, without exchanging another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG chapter here, lmao, but I hope this is good enough because there might be a bit of a hiatus. I'm guessing at least until I'm done with the semester because I have to focus on my finals and after I'm done with school I still need a while to edit the next chapter... Or maybe I'll get a lot of things done before then. Who knows!
> 
> Anyway. songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> [Disorder by Joy Division](https://youtube.com/watch?v=fhCLalLXHP4) \- Real shit, I heard "guy" the first million times I listened to this song, and also "another man". Like, I kept looking up the lyrics because I just knew that was wrong but I kept forgetting the actual lyrics lmao.
> 
> Also referenced is Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus
> 
> [Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus](https://youtube.com/watch?v=X_DVS_303kQ) which just...fucking slaps. Everyone thinks I only like this song because of Silence of the Lambs but it really just goes the fuck off and I wish miss Lazzarus released more songs tbh
> 
> And here's a quote from Iwan Rheon about Simon which is like... The basis for 90℅ of this fic lmao:
> 
> "Director Tom Green and I decided we’d base him on Ian Curtis, so he’s cool and has his own story. He’s the kind of character you really get to know if you talk to him about music, something that he really cares about. It’s not so much Ian Curtis as an individual we were aiming for, more the idea of his music. The feel of Joy Division, that depth."


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm sorry about making Kelly send that text," Alisha said to Simon the next day.

"What?" he asked.

"You know. The whole," she winked at him cheesily. "I just thought it was kind of funny."

Simon didn't think it was very funny. Everyone was always just taking the piss out of him.

"It's not a big deal," he said quietly. He'd rather just not dwell on it.

Alisha looked around to make sure no one else was nearby. Then she whispered conspiratorially, "Maybe he really does fancy you."

"He doesn't," Simon said a bit too quickly.

"I mean, I thought he was just taking the piss, but I dunno. If he's all like, wanting to spend time with you and shit and saying -" she put on a mocking voice, "'I asked Nathan on a date' while pretending to be you, that seems different than just messing with you like always, yeah?"

"No... He - he's still just messing with me," Simon insisted.

"Does he act all," she made a face, "I dunno, flirtatious when it's just you two, or only when he's around all of us?"

Simon tried not to think too much about how needy Nathan was acting last night, and how he had to practically beg Simon to spend time with him. That didn't seem like he was just taking the piss. And he really _was_  sort of flirting even though there wasn't anyone else around.

Simon didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to interpret Nathan's actions, much less how to explain them to Alisha.

"Okay," Alisha said after a few moments of silence since Simon was refusing to answer. "You know him better than I do."

He really did. Simon was contemplating what that meant about their relationship when Alisha continued talking.

"But I'm just saying, that's what it seems like to me. And Kelly was telling me -" she looked at something behind Simon and then stopped talking.

"She was telling you what?" Simon asked when Alisha paused.

"Oh, you know." Simon did not know. "Just think about it," Alisha whispered and glanced behind Simon again.

Simon was about to turn around to see what she was looking at, but then he felt a hand on his shoulder and suddenly knew what it was.

"So. What's all this hush-hush about? Are we gossiping? Because let me tell you, I saw Curtis in the urinals the other day, and -" Nathan pointed to Alisha. "well I guess _you_  would already know this, but he -"

"Oh, fuck off," Alisha said and rolled her eyes. She walked away, but gave Simon a pointed look.

"Jaysis, what's her problem?" Nathan asked. Then he turned to face Simon. "Anyway, as I was saying, I saw Curtis taking a piss the other day and he has a -" Nathan held his hands out, " _massive_  cock. I'd wonder why Alisha broke up with him, but I guess it doesn't matter to her since they could only wank themselves off, anyway."

Simon put his hands over his face and groaned. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Well, I saw you two gossiping, and I wanted to join in on the conversation. Then Alisha left, so I just have to tell you."

"But why are we talking about Curtis's...his..."

"His cock?"

"Yes." Simon was embarrassed that he was too embarrassed to say it.

Nathan shrugged. "I guess I figured that's what the two of you were talking about."

"Why would we?" Simon narrowed his eyes. "And why were you looking in the first place?"

"Because it was just there! And it was _massive_! There was practically nowhere else I could look, man."

"Do you...do you fancy Curtis?" Simon asked.

"No. Just because I was leering at another man's cock doesn't mean I fancy him."

Nathan made a face after realising how badly that came out.

"Well, do _you_ fancy him? Is this just jealousy?" Nathan countered.

Nathan was so insufferable.

"No. I don't fancy anyone," Simon said.

Nathan looked a bit disappointed, but Simon ignored that.

"Well then, what is it that you and Alisha were talking about, if it's not Curtis's cock?"

Simon didn't want to tell Nathan anything about his conversation with Alisha, but he knew Nathan would become even more annoying if Simon refused to answer.  
  
"We were talking about... About what she and Kelly were doing last night." Well, they were about to before Nathan interrupted them, at least.

Nathan gasped. "Did they shag?"

"What? No. That's not really even possible, anyway."

Nathan sighed. "Well, that's disappointing. So no one in our little friend group is shagging right now, or even fancying each other? That's just downright boring. We need some more sexual tension to shake things up now that Alisha and Curtis broke up and Kelly doesn't fancy me anymore."

He was thoughtful for a moment. "We need to up the ante now with some kind of gay love affair, or a weird love triangle to make it even  _more_ dramatic."

"A bizarre love triangle?" Simon asked with a small smile.

"Yeah, man. Exactly." Then, Nathan's face lit up. "Hey!" he said as he put his hands on both of Simon's shoulders and looked him square in the eye. "Barry, do you want to take one for the team and go out with me to make things more interesting?"

Simon was trapped by Nathan's arms. He made resolutely sure to not look at Nathan's face so he wouldn't have to think about how close they were.

"Can't we all just - just be normal friends?"

"Since when is literally anything about us normal?"

At that moment, Alisha walked back in the hallway with Curtis and Kelly at her side. She cleared her throat and was smirking as Nathan took his hands off of Simon.

"What's going on?" Kelly asked.

Nathan put his arm around Simon. "Me and Barry were just talking about Curtis's cock, whether you and Alisha were -" he made a 'v' sign with his fingers and stuck his tongue out, "and then we discussed going out together."

Simon tried to push Nathan away. "It's really not like that." It was, but it was basically a one sided conversation.

"Prick," Curtis said while looking Nathan in the eyes and walked past him.

Kelly hit Nathan and said, "I swear to God, I'm going to fuckin' kill ya if you don't stop messing with Simon."

"Okay! Okay! Jaysis," Nathan said and covered his face with his arms to defend himself. "But we were just having a laugh, right Barry?"

Simon stared at Nathan and looked towards Kelly. She and Alisha were both looking between him and Nathan. It was weird.

"Sure," Simon said finally. Nathan looked genuinely surprised, but smiled at him. "Yeah, it was just teasing... Friend stuff," Simon elaborated. If the girls found it unconvincing, they said nothing of it.

Simon had always appreciated the way that Kelly would defend him. But he didn't like being put on the spot like this, didn't like the scrutiny, and didn't like feeling like he was being pitied. As if Nathan was some school bully that Simon needed to be protected from. Simon could take care of himself. He had been gaining the courage to tell Nathan to fuck off whenever he was bothering him.

But Nathan wasn't really bothering him right now. He strangely didn't really mind any of it. And he would be lying if he said that he didn't crave attention from Nathan in any form.

Nathan was smiling. "See, Barry? Isn't this fun?" Then he grabbed Simon close to him in a half-hug and planted a kiss on the top of his head.

 

* * *

 

Simon was pretty sure Nathan didn't actually fancy him. Nathan had always been flirtatious, although that was mostly to random girls that he was trying to pick up. But maybe that was how he acted around his best friends, too. He didn't do it to anyone else in the group - not even Kelly when he fancied her - but that doesn't necessarily mean anything, right? It was ironic camaraderie between two best friends. It didn't make perfect sense, but it made more sense than anything else. Was this how best friends typically act, or is it just Nathan being Nathan?

Simon didn't have much experience to draw on in that department. Not that it really would have mattered, since Nathan is unlike anyone else Simon has ever met. Simon got the impression that Nathan most likely never had very many close friends, either. Whatever his friendship with Nathan was like was going to be different than other peoples' friendships, because the two of them were so different from other people. That doesn't necessarily mean that Nathan's behaviour is indicative of anything _more_  than friendship. They were just odd friends.

But... There _was_  the issue of whatever Kelly was telling Alisha. Simon tried to not think about it. It was probably nothing, after all. He was afraid to ask because he didn't want to be disappointed by the answer, and, most importantly, he didn't want Kelly to pick apart his thoughts. He doesn't even know how he really feels. And he _definitely_ doesn't need Kelly trying to figure it out.

And Simon didn't want to go to anyone for advice because he honestly did not want to share it with anyone. It was between him and Nathan - whatever "it" actually is. No one else would understand.

It's weird, but it just is what it is. And Simon figures that he could be okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is gonna be longer, this is basically just a little interlude because I want to try a POV switch!


	9. Chapter 9

_'As soon as I get my head around you,_  
_I come around catching sparks off you,_  
_I get an electric shock from you,_  
_This secondhand living just won't do,_

_And the way I feel tonight,_  
_I could die and I wouldn't mind,_  
_And there's something going on inside,_  
_Makes you want to feel,_  
_Makes you want to try,_  
_Makes you want to blow the stars from the sky,_

_And I can't stand up,_  
_I can't cool down,_  
_I can't get my head off the ground'_

Nathan had gone up to the roof for a smoke break. He had been smoking more often lately, probably because he was even more agitated over all the bullshit that happened over the last few months. Everyone always said that cigarettes would kill him. Jokes on them, now. Not that Nathan ever cared in the first place, but he felt extremely smug now, knowing that he is immortal.

But not quite invincible like Simon said. How shit would it be if it just destroyed Nathan's health and he had to live with that forever? But that doesn't matter right now, in this moment. It's not like Nathan ever cared about long term planning, and he was not about to start now.

Simon was sat at the table outside. He brought his lunch with him. He had these sandwiches that were cut up into neat little squares. Did he cut them up himself because he's such a little neat freak, or did his mum still make his lunch him?

He was all by himself. Nathan almost felt pity for him. Simon seemed used to it, unbothered, but in the way that suggested he had just grown accustomed being left alone all the time, rather than actually choosing to be alone.

He was back to being that buttoned up, quiet, weird kid.

But he stole alcohol and did drugs and sort of shared a gay kiss with his best friend. Except he didn't actually think of it as a gay kiss. He practically freaked out at the idea. But, he was happy to do it again once Nathan assured him that he wasn't trying to seduce him.

That seemed so different to how he was right now. But it's always the quiet ones, isn't it?

So, Simon was willing to do gay things as long as he could convince himself that it wasn't gay. Nathan would just find basically any excuse to cop off. Sure, there's nothing inherently sexual about what they did, but Nathan found it gratifying nonetheless. He was just a sensual person.

Simon was probably exactly the sort of person who'd be gay and repress it even to himself.

Nathan wondered what would happen if he were to say _'Hey, Barry! Let's have gay sex, except it wouldn't be gay because -'_ his mind blanked out. _'Because of some bullshit excuse I can't be arsed to come up with right now.'_  That would get him _so_ laid. Probably. It would be so easy. Or would it?

"Hey, what do you think his problem is?" Nathan asked, motioning to Simon.

"Are you talking to me?"

Alisha turned around to glance at Nathan. She was also on the roof for a smoke break, but they hadn't even acknowledged each other's presence until now.

"Uh, yeah."

"Why?"

"Because you're the only one up here. And I need some friendly advice."

"I'm not your friend," Alisha said dryly.

"Hey, like it or not, we _are_  friends. Or at least something close to it. You know, bound together by electric storms and murder and shit."

"Yeah. Fine," she said and walked over to him.

Out of everyone in the group, he was the least close with Alisha. He didn't actually have anything against her. He just almost felt like they were too similar, and in a way he felt weirdly threatened by her. But whenever they bonded, they actually got on pretty well. Maybe they should talk more and become BFFs.

She stepped closer to him to conspire. "Alright. What do you want?"

" _Look at him,"_  Nathan whispered, as if Simon would be able to hear him.

"Okaaay," she deadpanned. "I'm looking. What about him?"

"He's just so _weird_."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

"Nothing. I just need someone's opinion. What do you think of him?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. I did think he was fucking weird, to be honest. But he's not actually that bad. He's just a person, like all of us."

"He gets under your skin, doesn't he? Like - like a parasite!"

"Maybe, but I wouldn't go that far." She sighed, bored. "Where are you going with this?"

"I just don't get him! He's a little freak, but he tries to act like he's not. Why is he so repressed?"

"He said be wanted to piss on my tits. Maybe it's good that he's repressed."

"Hey," Nathan asked. "If you were going to seduce him, how would you do it?"

She laughed. "I wouldn't."

"Just hypothetically."

"Why do you want to know?"

"I guess I'm just curious. Come on, tell me," he begged. "Just between us girls!"

She crossed her arms. "Well, it probably wouldn't be that hard. He's such a virgin. I'd probably just have to flirt with him a little and he'd like, fall in love with me or some shit. It's happened to me before, actually. Blokes fall in love with me all the time when I give them the slightest bit of attention, and I don't even have to try. Even if I don't want them to, it just happens."

"Well, not everyone is lucky enough to be a beautiful girl," Nathan said grumpily.

She looked at him, confused over his implications.

"It's not _really_ lucky. It's not even like I ask for it, and I don't always want some random blokes becoming obsessed with me. It gets fucking annoying, yeah?"

"Yeah, whatever," he said, completely brushing her aside. "But I don't think that would work with him. He'd probably just freak out if someone did that."

Which is _exactly_ what he was doing to Nathan.

"I think he might just be terrified of sex," Nathan said.

"I dunno. He actually tried to ask me out after that girl he thought was me sucked him off."

"Wait. Really?" Nathan felt unbearably annoyed. "What did he say, exactly?"

"He just asked if I liked food," she laughed. "I asked if he was having a wank over me, but he denied it."

Nathan was staring down at Simon. How did he have the balls to ask her out? And why did Simon think she would actually like him? What was so good about her, anyway? 

_'Why her, and not me?'_

"Hold on. Are you jealous or something?" she asked with a huge shit eating grin on her face.

"No," he said quickly. "Well, _no_ , but, shouldn't he be jumping at the chance to get into my trousers if he was that desperate?"

"You're just asking me all of this because _you're_  trying to shag him, aren't you?" She was giggling now. "I fucking knew it, I swear."

"I'm not trying to. Trust me, I'd totally have him in my arms and in my bed already if I was _actually_ trying."

"But...?"

"But... I don't know. I guess I'm curious, then. But I'm not saying that I'd actually do it. Point is, I just don't get why _he's_ not trying to shag _me_."

"Maybe he just doesn't find you attractive."

"Of course he does. Why wouldn't he? I'm gorgeous."

Alisha made a skeptical face.

"I've seen the way he stares at me -"

"That doesn't mean shit. He might not even be staring. That's just how his face looks," she laughed.

"Yeah, sure, his eyes are just naturally big, beautiful, and stare-y, but they're always on me."

Alisha still didn't seem convinced.

"Not only that, but he films me!"

"He's always filming something."

"Yeah, that 'something' being _me_  90℅ of the time."

"I dunno. I haven't really noticed him paying more attention to you than anyone else."

"Of course you haven't, because _you_  don't pay attention to him," Nathan said, getting exasperated.

"What, and you do?"

Nathan was annoyed. "Yeah, just because I can feel his creepy eyes on me all the time. I'm just keeping an eye on him watching me, making sure he doesn't do anything perverted."

"So...you're absolutely obsessed with how much attention he pays you. You get jealous that he asked me out. Oh my god, you seriously do fancy him, don't you?"

"No. I don't. And I'm not jealous, I'm just -" just jealous. That's exactly what it is. "If I'm jealous of anything, it's that I feel insulted. He should want me. Doesn't mean _I_  want _him_."

"Sure it doesn't," she said skeptically. "So you're just flirting with him for a laugh, then?"

He looked down at Simon. "Basically, yeah." There's no point in trying to deny that he has been flirting. But it's not what she thinks.

"And what would you do if he really did try to shag you, like you seem to want him to?"

That's the question, isn't it?

"I'd feel flattered. Like everything is as it should be."

"Would you like, go through with it? Shag him?" She smirked. "Come on, tell me. Just between us girls, right?" she asked, throwing his words back at him.

"Hey, I didn't say I'd _actually_  shag him. I just think he should want to shag me. There's a huge difference between those two things!"

If it actually came to that, Nathan would probably let it happen.

It would either be really, really hot, or really, really weird and horrible. Nathan would be okay with finding out which one it is. It would be interesting, at the least. Even on the off-chance that sex with Simon would somehow be completely boring, knowing that he managed to bag an extremely repressed virgin would be satisfying enough for Nathan.

Not that Alisha needed to know any of this, of course.

"That still sounds really gay," she said.

"It's not gay. _You're_  gay," Nathan replied petulantly.

"That makes no fucking sense."

At that moment, Kelly walked up to the roof.

"Kelly, is Nathan gay?" Alisha asked smugly.

Kelly smirked. "Well, he _was_  thinking about -"

Nathan panicked.

" _No_. Don't fucking do it. Don't say anything or do that mind-reading shit to me."

"Why not?"

"Because, it's - it's an invasion of privacy. A violation!"

"What, d'you have something to hide?" 

"No. I just don't want anyone in my head!"

"Trust me, I don't want to be in your head, either. But I can't help it sometimes. You think too loudly."

"Then just ignore it like a normal person would! If you, like, overhear some randoms talking about some private shit, you wouldn't eavesdrop on purpose, would you? No! You'd tune it out because it's none of your fucking business!"

Kelly glared at him.

Alisha crossed her arms. "This still isn't convincing me that you're not gay."

"I'm _not_. Seriously," Nathan said, exasperated. "Kelly, If I was gay, would I put my finger inside you?"

"I dunno. Maybe?" she said. "I mean, there are gays who don't come out until they're old. Sometimes they even get married and have kids and shit. But they're still gay."

"That has nothing to do with any of this."

"Fine, but to be fair, you _did_  act more in love with Simon more than you ever did with me."

"Yeah, I _was_  in love with him."

God, he was _so_ in love with him.

"But it that wasn't even real. It was just because of the tattoo."

"I'm just saying, you've obviously never liked me that much. Maybe you just don't like girls?"

"I _do_! Honestly! Yeah, so I've never fallen in love with a girl. Whatever. But I've never fallen in love with a boy, either. Until Barry, at least. He's the only person I've loved. But that's not gay. It wasn't real," he insisted.

"And if it's not real, why are you still acting like that?" Kelly asked.

"Its an _act!_ "

"Then why are you still thinking -"

"Stop it! I'm not. I'm not thinking anything! My mind? Its completely fucking blank! Whatever you think you heard - its bullshit. A hallucination or something."

"I heard you thinking about shagging him the other day," she said, not caring about Nathan's protests.

She _really_ needs to get out of his head.

"As an idle curiosity! How could you not wonder about it?"

"It's literally never crossed my mind. Not even once," Kelly said. She looked at Alisha for her opinion.

"Sorry mate, me neither," Alisha told Nathan.

"Well, I've always wondered about him. Just because he's so fucking weird. You know, what would it be like? I've wondered about it _way_  before I ever fell in love with him, so it's not gay."

"That...sounds even gayer, actually," Alisha said.

"It's, like, the opposite of gay," Nathan argued.

"No. In the best case scenario, it's only like half gay. 50 percent. But right now you seem, like, 500 percent gay. So, double gay."

"That's not double. You're shit at maths."

"You're shit at trying to not to seem gay."

"Look at him. Just..." Nathan trailed off when he noticed that Curtis was sat beside Simon now. They were evidently talking about something, and it looked like they were smiling and laughing together.

"Why are they talking to each other? They're not even friends," he muttered, almost to himself.

"I thought you said we were all friends. Whether we liked it or not," Alisha said smugly.

"Yeah, I meant all of us. In general. But _Barry_  doesn't have friends. Especially not friends like Curtis."

"He's just worried that Curtis is going to steal Simon away from him," Kelly muttered to Alisha, and they both giggled.

"What? No! Fuck off. That would never happen. Even if I _did_  care about something like that - which I totally _don't_  - they don't like each other anyway. I have nothing to worry about. Not that I would worry. I'm just...confused. That's all."

"And what if they became best friends and Simon stopped talking to you?" Kelly teased.

"He never do that. I'm his best friend. He loves me."

"Does he really?" Alisha asked.

"Yes," Nathan insisted. "Of course he does."

_'Maybe I should go down there and kiss him to prove a point and see how he'd react,'_ Nathan thought.

"I heard all of that," Kelly said.

"Yeah, whatever." He didn't have the energy to argue anymore, or even care. "I _can_ prove it."

"Just so you know, no one asked you to. This is all on you, yeah?" Kelly said.

Maybe he was making it gayer than he had to. Whatever. He didn't care. He headed downstairs giddily.

 

* * *

 

"Hey!" Nathan yelled and ran up to the table where Simon and Curtis were sitting. "Want to kiss me?"

They both stared at Nathan.

"What?" Curtis asked.

Nathan sat down and uncomfortably wedged himself between the two of them.

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Barry. But I mean, hey, if you're up for it." He winked at Curtis.

"I have a girlfriend," he scoffed.

"She doesn't need to know," Nathan whispered seductively.

"I would never cheat on her," he said sincerely, and as if he were offended by the very concept. "Besides, I only like girls. Even if I was into blokes, I definitely wouldn't be into  _you_."

Nathan shrugged. "Whatever. Lesbian."

At that, Nathan heard giggling on the other side of him.

Simon was looking down and covering his face with his hand, trying desperately not to laugh more, but failing.

Nathan stared at him, transfixed. He smiled dumbly. Seeing Simon genuinely laugh was such a rare sight. And he was the cause of this.

"That doesn't even make any sense," Curtis said.

"Of course it does. And Barry over here seems to agree." It was two against one.

Simon was still smiling. "I didn't say that I agreed."

"Oh, but you do. You should see yourself. Your face is totally giving it away."

"I'm - I'm sorry, Curtis. I didn't mean to laugh."

"Yeah, but you did anyway. You know I'm right," Nathan said.

"Shut up," Simon said quietly.

Nathan didn't want to do anything but stare at Simon. He was radiant. But Nathan had more important things to do. Like convince Curtis that he was actually lesbian.

So, he ripped his eyes away from Simon and turned to face Curtis. "You like girls. So you're a lesbian," Nathan said like it was obvious.

"Except for the fact that I'm male."

"Who cares? Male, female, lesbian, gay, straight, retarded. They're all just labels."

"...But you're trying to label me as a lesbian? How does that work?"

"Don't try to use my own words against me. You have a lesbian soul. And I won't believe anything different."

Curtis rolled his eyes. "Do you ever stop being a prick?"

"No." Nathan smiled. "Especially not when I have Barry over here having the time of his life listening to me."

"I'm not," Simon said, but was still staring at Nathan and smiling. He was doing nothing to take Curtis's side, though. It was good enough for Nathan.

Curtis rolled his eyes again, and then his mobile started ringing. "It's Nikki. I gotta take this," he explained, and walked away to get some privacy.

"Alright! Have fun doing your lesbian things!" Nathan called out. He hoped Nikki heard him.

Simon was giggling again. Nathan had the opportunity to stare at him now. He was alone with Simon, finally. As it should be. Curtis would never be able to make Simon laugh like this. He would never really understand him.

"You like that, don't you?"

"I mean -" Simon looked up into Nathan's eyes and then quickly averted his gaze.

Simon paused. "What?" he asked shyly.

"What do you mean, 'what'?" Nathan asked, still beaming at him.

"You're - you're kind of staring at me," Simon said and looked straight ahead.

"Do you have a problem with that?"

Simon glanced at him again, and opened his mouth to speak.

Nathan interrupted before Simon could even begin to answer.

"So. About the whole kissing me thing. Want to do it?"

"N-no." Simon wouldn't look at him.

Nathan looked up to see if the girls were still watching him. They were. He distracted Simon before he could follow his gaze. Nathan put his hand on Simon's thigh, and Simon just stared at Nathan's hand, and then away from him again.

"Okay, but do you mean it, or are you just _saying_  that, and you actually do secretly want to kiss me?"

He looked like a deer in headlights.

"No."

"Really? Why not?

"Because I - I just don't want to. _You_  don't want to."

"How the hell would you know that?"

"B-because. You just don't."

"Okay, look" Nathan sighed. "I made a bet with the girls up there about whether or not you're gay for me. They think you are, I think you're not." Simon didn't really need to know it was basically the opposite way around.

"...Why?"

"It doesn't matter. Look. If you reject me, despite me basically throwing myself at you, it would make you look super not-gay. So," Nathan said enthusiastically, "spurn me if you want me to win. Or if you hate me right now, then kiss me."

Nathan basically ruined his chance for a kiss, but it seemed like he wasn't getting one anyway. At least there was no way Simon could win this. No matter what he did, it would reinforce his love for Nathan.

Simon pushed Nathan away and sighed. Nathan didn't get what he wanted right now, but he would still win eventually. Probably.

Simon frowned. "I'm... going," he said awkwardly. He stood up to leave Nathan all alone.

"No! Barry, It's fine! We don't think you're actually gay!"

Simon had ignored his pleas and walked inside. Nathan looked up to see the girls laughing. He flipped them off and ran after Simon.

 

* * *

 

"Barry!" Nathan called out.

Simon stopped walking to stare at Nathan with a frown.

Nathan quickly crowded him and backed him into the wall and held his arms on either side of Simon so that he was trapped. He couldn't run away now. He was doing nothing to resist it, either. He might have even liked it.

"What do you want?" Simon asked.

"For you to not run away from me."

"Why were you talking about me behind my back?"

"Because I'm obsessed with you."

Simon froze.

"According to Alisha anyway," Nathan added flippantly.

Simon tensed up even more.

"I thought - I thought we were friends." Simon's frown deepened.

"We are! Of course we are."

"Then why would you say all of that? You're talking about me - making fun of me and -"

Nathan sighed and rolled his eyes. "Come on, Barry. It's a joke."

"It's not funny," Simon said sadly.

Nathan ignored that. "Hey, look. We're alone now. You can kiss me and no one would even know."

"Why are you joking about this?"

"Who said I was joking?"

" _You_  did. Just a few seconds ago."

"Barry, what the hell? So gay jokes are hilarious to you until they're suddenly not?" Nathan asked.

Simon sighed. "B-because you're making fun of _me_."

"What? Are you just too gay to kiss me? Like, because you're in love with me or something?" Nathan mocked.

"No." There was something in the tone of his voice that made Nathan pause.

"I just -"

Kelly walked in the corridor and Simon stopped talking.

She smiled convivially at Simon. "Hey."

Simon looked conflicted, like he didn't know whether he should be comforted or even more upset by her presence.

Simon being upset was actually kind of adorable. He grumbled and then - suddenly - he was just gone.

"Oh, come on, Barry. Don't do that."

There was no answer from him.

Nathan tried to reach out for him, but he felt nothing.

"You know, if you're going to walk away from me, do it like a normal person instead of pussying out! Or are you just spying on me? Is that what gets you off?"

"Nathan," Kelly said and put her hand on Nathan's shoulder. "You're embarrassing yourself."

"I'm not, because there is nothing to be embarrassed about."

" _Nathan_ ," she said sternly.

He crossed his arms, refusing to reply.

"You'll find someone who loves you back someday. Maybe. You have the rest of your life."

"Yeah, fuck off. Its not even like that."

"Sure it's not," she said skeptically. "Look mate, let's just get back to work, yeah?"

Nathan hated doing actual work but he felt strangely comforted by the idea of just doing something mindless to distract himself.

 

* * *

 

At the end of the day, Nathan stood in front of Simon's locker, pressed up against it.

"You're in front of my locker," Simon muttered, refusing to look at him.

"Yeah, I know."

"Could you please move?"

"Why?"

"You're in my way," Simon said and furrowed his eyebrows.

"So?"

"S-so I need to get my stuff so I can go home."

"I'm not letting you go home."

Simon frowned. "What do you want?" he asked.

"You." Too suggestive. Simon was obviously uncomfortable. "To, uh, like, forgive me. Or whatever."

"Are you serious?"

"Dead serious, man."

"You're being a prick." Simon's frown was getting deeper.

Nathan didn't move.

"Fine. I forgive you," Simon acquiesced after a few tense moments.

"No. I want you to actually mean it."

"I can't forgive you just like that. I want you to be nice to me."

"Nathan," Kelly called out. "Leave Simon alone, yeah?" Alisha and Curtis were already gone, leaving just the three of them.

"This has nothing to do with you," Nathan said.

"Kelly, it's - it's fine," Simon insisted, to Nathan's surprise. "You can go home."

She hesitated, but left them alone, making sure to smile at Simon as she walked away.

Then it was just the two of them. Simon had the balls to defend himself now. It was almost impressive.

"I don't like it when you make fun of me," Simon said as soon as they were alone. "When you talk about me behind my back." He was still frowning. "And when you're trying to block me from getting my things," he added.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I don't want to fight."

"Me neither."

"So - so can you just move?" Simon's patience was obviously wearing thin.

"No."

After a few moments, Simon just tried to push Nathan out of the way, but Nathan used the physical contact to pull Simon against him and wrap his arms around him.

Simon tried to wiggle away, but Nathan just held him tighter. "You're squeezing me," Simon mumbled.

"Mhmm."

"Are - are you trying to crush me to death?"

Nathan stroked Simon's hair. "It's called a 'hug', you dense twat."

Simon stopped resisting, but asked suspiciously, " _Why_  are you hugging me?"

"Because we're friends. Look, it's not gay to wrap your manly arms around another man, if that's what you're worried about."

Simon didn't hug back. He didn't try to push Nathan away either, but as soon as Nathan let go, Simon took a few steps backwards.

"That was weird," he said quietly.

"Was it?"

"I don't like hugs. I never have," he admitted.

Who would be hugging him? His mum? His nan, maybe? Certainly not any girls or other lads.

"Yeah, well, it was actually a bit gay, wasn't it? Did you feel that, too? It wasn't meant to be gay it was just - I wasn't going to say anything, because if _you_  didn't think it was gay, it would just make _me_  seem really gay, which I definitely am _not_."

Simon was definitely trying not to smile. But Nathan could see it.

_'God, he's so gay for me, and he doesn't even realise it,'_  Nathan thought.

"Okay fine," Nathan sighed and moved away from the locker. "Go get your shit."

Nathan sat down on the bench.

Simon went to the locker to get his stuff. He went to unzip his jumpsuit but glanced back at Nathan.

"Are - are you just going to sit there?"

"Uh, yeah."

Simon squared his jaw.

"Are you trying to watch me undress?" He asked quietly.

"What? No! Why the hell would I?" Nathan then realised that he actually had been staring without meaning to. "What, you're suddenly self conscious or something even though we all undress in front of each other all the time?"

"B-but we don't actually watch each other. We're too busy getting dressed ourselves. You're just looking at me. I - I can feel it," he said shyly.

Then he disappeared.

"Oh, come on Barry! Don't do that. Look, if you're going to be a prude, don't worry! I'll be a gentleman!" He covered his hands with his eyes. Then he heard the sounds of Simon getting dressed, evidently having made himself visible again.

"I mean," Nathan said, "God knows how many times you've probably spied on me undressing or -"

"I haven't," Simon said quickly. "I - I've never done that. I...wouldn't."

"Uhh, I'm not sure I believe that." Simon totally was the type to spy. Nathan was pretty sure he had done that to the girls for a fact. Nathan didn't seriously think Simon would have done it to him, it was just teasing, but it was still a possibility. He didn't know how to feel about that idea. Flattered? Sure. Creeped out? Yes. But who cares?

"Are you seriously telling me that you've never used your power to spy on people?"

"...No."

"Now I _know_  that's a lie. You've totally spied on the girls."

"I haven't watched you undressing. I promise," Simon said. His tone was so serious, it was almost hilarious how dramatic it was.

Then he sat down next to Nathan.

"Look," he said, refusing to make eye contact. "I want to be your friend."

"We are friends."

"B-but when you're making fun of me, I don't feel like we're actually friends."

"God, you need to lighten up."

"No. I can't. It's important to me."

Well, good on him for standing up for himself. But it was annoying.

"Is this about all the gay shit?" Nathan asked.

Simon hesitated but nodded. "I guess. At least, it's part of that."

"Fuck, okay. Shit," Nathan said. "In the interest of transparency - just because we're best friends and I can't lie to you - Well, I lied to you."

"What?"

"It was all me, dude. The girls don't really think you're gay for me. It was a total lie. They actually argued in your defense! It was just me."

He looked at the ground. "But...why?" He looked impossibly hurt. "Why would you say that about me?"

Fuck. He's actually telling Simon this. "I... They thought _I_  was gay for you. I was out to prove them wrong. It was all a big joke. Just having a laugh."

"How does that prove them wrong?" Simon questioned.

"I don't know! I didn't think any of that through. It was just the first thing that came to my mind."

Simon just looked at the floor, obviously contemplating something.

"So, yeah," Nathan said. "All of the fake flirting and shit. It was just a joke."

"So... you _are_ flirting with me."

" _Fake_ flirting," Nathan insisted.

"Yes, but still. I - I didn't understand if it was all in my head."

"What, like, you were worried I wasn't actually flirting and you just thought it was because of wishful thinking?"

"N-no."

"Look, even if anything did happen between us, it still wouldn't be gay. It would just be for laughs."

"Umm. Okay."

"Like," he put his hand on Simon's shoulder, "if I kissed you right now. For real."

Simon's eyes went wide.

Nathan realised it was actually a brilliant idea.

"See, I thought it would be funny to act all gay with you in front of everyone else to make you all uncomfortable, but I think it would be actually funnier if we did it right now and pretended like it never happened."

"How is that funny?"

"It just is."

There was a thick tension in the air, but Simon started to laugh to himself.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What's going on in the creepy head of yours?" Nathan wanted to know everything Simon was thinking.

Simon wouldn't answer. Maybe he was just laughing out of nervousness.

"So, you up for it? Want to totally make out?" Nathan asked.

"Are you serious?"

"Serious about making out as a joke, yeah."

Simon stared, bewildered.

"Or, why don't I show you how not joking I am by seriously kissing you?" It was so close. He almost cinched it. Simon's silence didn't even bother Nathan, because he was sure he was about to get some anyway.

"Yeah, um... No thanks," Simon said shyly, looking away.

It was demure. No hint of revulsion. Nathan was so close.

A little bit of pushing is probably all it would take. Of course, its not fun if Simon doesn't actually want it. But Nathan was sure that some part of him did; a part Nathan could coax out with some finesse.

And - Wait, what? Wasn't that the whole point? He's supposed to want it. No wooing involved. Simon should be desperate for that.

"You sure about that, Barry?" he tried again.

"Y-yes. I am sure. Umm. I'm... I should be getting home now. Goodnight, Nathan."

Simon stood up and awkwardly put his hand on Nathan's shoulder. Like he didn't know what else to do, but wanted to reciprocate in some way.

It was almost paternal and - Oh no, that's just fucking weird. Kill that thought.

"I will see you later, then," Simon muttered.

"Yeah. Or you could stay."

Simon looked at him again and didn't say anything. Nathan immediately regretted saying that because it seemed pathetic to get turned down now.

Simon cleared his throat and finally said "goodnight," again. And then he was gone.

Nathan was left alone, head spinning, and having to deal with the unreasonable amount of disappointment he felt over Simon leaving. It was all just a joke, but Nathan couldn't handle being rejected. Simon was supposed to want him already, but Nathan was supposed to not care either way. But now all he wanted to do was to actually try harder to get Simon to like him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song reference:[The Jesus and Mary Chain - Head On. ](https://youtube.com/watch?v=eGp47YwDZ48)
> 
> I'm not even going to attempt to write about Nathan's canon music taste because I'd probably fuck it up somehow. I'm just sticking with my 80s theme, but hopefully it sounds a little more in character at least. Like, I'm not going to give him the moody, quasi-goth Donnie Darko-ish ass shit I'm giving Simon based on *his* canon music taste lmao. Orrrr maybe this is just the equivalent to the music they play over scenes on the show that don't necessarily correlate with what's literally happening and it's just to set the mood? W/e lol you decide
> 
> Also, Lesbian Curtis is canon and we stan forever


	10. Chapter 10

How was Nathan going to play it now?

He had been almost constantly throwing himself at Simon, with only a little bit of success. He could be more direct and just straight up kiss him, but that would be harder to play off if he got rejected. Ideally, Nathan wouldn't even have to do that if he managed to seduce Simon hard enough that the little freak ends up making a move on him first. 

He could try a silent treatment to keep Simon wanting more. Simon was obviously desperate for his friendship. Maybe Nathan pretending to be indifferent to Simon would make him realise just how badly he wants Nathan. And maybe it would finally force him to do something to get Nathan's attention back on him.

Although, Nathan didn't want to disturb their uneasy friendship _too_  much. The little twat was starting to stick up for himself. It was harder for Nathan to act rude to Simon now without Simon getting genuinely upset - not annoyed, offended, or pissed off - like, actually legitimately sad, and that's not fun. Even back when Nathan was nothing but completely rude to him, Simon never seemed too upset with him. He started getting seriously touchy about it the friendlier they became.

Nathan was still mulling over his options when he turned around and noticed that Simon was suddenly right in from of him, staring at him with a goofy smile.

"Jaysis fucking, Christ. What the hell?"

"I -" Simon started to say.

"How long have you been standing there?" It was still a while before anyone was expected to show up for community service.

"Not long. I just... wanted to surprise you."

"Yeah, and you did. You almost fucking killed me."

"I'm sorry," Simon frowned.

Oh God, he was doing that tortured, serious, dramatic thing. Nathan took pity on him.

"So, what do you want?"

"I wanted to say hi."

"Alright, then. Hello there, you sexy little thing. What's cookin' good lookin'?" Nathan drawled.

Simon blinked a few times in confusion. "What the hell was that?"

"I'm American now," Nathan stated.

"I don't think there are any Americans that sound like that."

"Whatever," Nathan shrugged. "Accuracy doesn't really matter. I was just thinking of putting on an accent to seduce girls. The kind of foreign, exotic thing is sexy."

Right. Reinforce your heterosexuality while trying to seduce a repressed gay boy. Fucking brilliant.

"But you're already kind of foreign," Simon argued. "Americans are less common than Irish people here, but the point still stands."

"Yeah, well, what do _you_ think is sexier? My Irish accent, or my fake American accent?"

Simon opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. He simply stared at Nathan instead.

Nathan shoved his shoulder. "Come on, Barry. As my best friend, you are morally obligated to help me out here."

Simon finally nodded. "Your real accent. It's more you."

How fucking romantic.

"It's - it's less forced and unnatural."

Ah, no. Pedantic, not romantic.

"I think if I was girl and someone tried to use a fake accent on me, I'd be more distracted than interested," Simon elaborated.

He's exactly the kind of type who, if you're getting into kinky roleplay with, he would be so meticulous and not get off if anything was even _slightly_ inaccurate.

"Why are you imagining yourself as a girl in this scenario? Why not imagine a girl doing it to you instead?" Nathan asked.

"Well, I - I thought we were talking about you doing it to a girl, so I -"

"Why not just imagine yourself as a gay boy?"

"I'm not gay," he said quickly.

"So you're a straight woman?"

"No. Of course not."

"So, what? You're a straight a man?" Nathan asked disbelievingly.

Why was it so easy to pick on him? Can they just go back to talking about how sexy Simon thinks Nathan is?

"...Yes," Simon said hesitantly, but firmly.

"Oh, yeah. That's totally convincing," Nathan said sarcastically.

Simon was frowning. "I thought you were going to stop saying I was gay."

"Hey, man, I'm just looking out for you. As your best friend, I want you to self-actualise, not lie to yourself about who you really are." He poked Simon in the chest.

Then, the door swung open harshly. Kelly came storming in, looking completely dishevelled.

"Jaysis, you look like shit," Nathan said without even thinking.

"Can you seriously just fuck off?" she said angrily.

"Aw, shit. You know I didn't mean it like that!" Nathan said remorsefully. "You alright, mate?"

Kelly took a deep breath. "Yeah. Just - please don't fuck with me today, or I'll fucking kill you."

"Alright. I'll try not to. But if I accidentally say something stupid, feel free to hurt me as much as you want."

"You can bet your arse that I will." She offered Nathan a smile, but it was a half-hearted one. Then, she sat on the bench and put her head in her hands.

Simon sat down beside her. "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. He started to lift his hand as if he wanted to put it on her shoulder to console her, but he just put his hands back in his lap instead.

"Yeah," she said. "Just got into a fight with me ex last night. He stole my fucking dog."

"He what now?" Nathan asked.

"He stole my fucking dog. Like, he came to my flat when I was out and just took him. I confronted him about it and he said since we adopted him while we were together, Keith is his dog. Which is complete fucking bullshit. Besides, that dog loves me more than him. I've even heard him thinking it."

"You've heard 'him' - You mean the dog?" Nathan asked.

"Yeah. It was dead weird at first hearing his thoughts, but I just got used to it. Anyway, I told Lee I was going to kick the shit out of him if he didn't give Keith back, but he said he'd report me for breaking my ASBO if I even tried anything."

"Do you want us to kill him?" Simon asked suddenly.

Kelly and Nathan both stared at him.

God, he talked about committing murder way too casually to be normal.

"I was - I was only joking," Simon said awkwardly.

"Sure you were, man." Little psychopath. "I mean, it's not like you've never killed anyone before. I think it would be much easier to believe it was a joke if we didn't have actual proof that you are a little murderer," Nathan said.

Simon patted his hair down nervously.

"He's a dickhead, but I don't want him to die. Besides, if it ever came to that I'd want to do it me self. I think it would feel better that way," Kelly said.

"Hey! I've got an idea!" Nathan pointed to Simon. "Barry, why don't you do your little Invisible Cunt thing and we can be vigilante superheroes, kidnapping dogs and saving the day and shit!"

Simon looked so happy at the suggestion.

"You think that's really going to work?" Kelly asked.

"I think so," Simon said. "When I turn invisible, so does whatever I'm holding. If I can get in the house, I can try to take the dog for you."

"So what, you're just going to break in?" Kelly asked.

"You can just distract your ex, and I'll sneak in. It's technically legal that way," Simon said.

"Ambiguously legal, but alright, it works for me. Let's go!" Nathan said.

There was a brief pause before Kelly said, "Not trying to be funny, but do you really think you should come with us?"

"What? Why wouldn't I?"

"There's nothing you can really do with your power. And I don't want you causing even more trouble."  
  
"Hey, that's very hurtful. You have so little faith in me."

Kelly grimaced.

"I can behave! I won't start anything, but you can use me as a human shield if you have to! But most importantly, we all gotta stick together as a team. Right, Barry?"

Simon didn't answer to defend him, and instead stared at him with some kind of indecipherable expression.

"Whatever. Let's just get on with it," Kelly said.

 

* * *

 

They got to Lee's flat, and Kelly rang the door.

"So, is this the cunt?" Nathan asked after Lee answered.

"This is my ex," Kelly said, half-confirming. "Look, I just want to talk," she said, and barged inside.

"What's all this about?" Lee asked.

"About our fight. I just wanted to say -"

Nathan put his hand on Kelly's shoulder in support. "Let's cut the shit. She wants her dog back. Just give it to her and we'll leave you alone."

Kelly glared at Nathan. He forgot they were supposed to be sneaky. Maybe she was actually trying to nice and butter him up. Shit.

"Is this your new boyfriend?" Lee asked Kelly.

"Err, no fucking way," Kelly said.

Oh shit. Lee was going to kill Nathan if he thought they were dating. Nathan didn't even care that he was immortal. That shit still hurts. He panicked.

"It's okay! I'm gay," Nathan covered up. "I'm... I'm _his_ boyfriend, actually -" Nathan meant to indicate Simon, but suddenly realised that he was nowhere to be seen.

Luckily, Simon appeared right as Lee was beginning to turn to see who Nathan was talking about. Simon must have sensed his Nathan's fear because he, amazingly, replied, "Right. We're... gay lovers."

It was so stilted and obviously a lie but, hey, at least he tried.

Lee made a face. "Okay, then. But I adopted Keith, so I get to keep him."

"Fuck off. We adopted him together. He's always been more my dog and you know it."

"I just think he's better off with me than with you and your boyfriends."

'My 'boyfriends'? Are you trying to say I'm some kind of slag?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"For fuck's sake. I haven't even been with anyone else since we broke up. If you keep saying shit like that, I'm going to kick your head in."

Nathan was so glad that Kelly didn't mention that they sort of had a thing going on not that long ago. Or maybe she didn't even care enough to count it.

Nathan quickly slid up to Simon while Kelly was distracting Lee. "Alright love, do your thing," Nathan whispered. "I'll just uh, inconspicuously open the door and we're good to go."

Simon nodded and then turned invisible. Nathan saw the dog disappear after a few moments.

"You know what, Kelly? I'm tired of this shite. Let's just leave," Nathan said, opening the door.

"Are you fuckin' serious?" she asked.

_"Don't worry. Barry's got the dog. At least, I think,"_ Nathan telepathically communicated to Kelly.

"Yeah, man. He's got a point, actually. I think I'm on his side now," he said, pointing to Lee. Kelly glared at him.

"Also, I'm hungry and tired and I want to go home," he whined. "And I don't want to get into a fight, especially not with someone like him! He looks so tough, and I'm too delicate and gay!"

Kelly rolled her eyes so hard at him.

"Alright. Fine. You win," Kelly told Lee. "Piss off, and don't go near my shit ever again, yeah?"

 

* * *

 

 

"I think that went really well," Nathan said.

"I told you not to start any shit. It could have been so much easier if you didn't say anything," Kelly said.

"Hey, at least everyone made it out alive and unharmed. That's more than we can say about most of our encounters with other people."

"Whatever," she sighed. "Now, where's my baby boy?" Kelly asked Simon, who was still invisible.

_'I could ask the same thing,'_ Nathan thought, and Kelly shot him a look.

"Sorry. Here he is," Simon said after appearing, and put the dog down.

Keith immediately ran to Kelly. "My fat little baby," she cooed. "Too bad we didn't get his leash."

"He's heavy," Simon laughed.

"Yeah, but he's still my little baby." Kelly said.

"You held the door open for quite a while. It makes it more plausible that Keith just ran away while no one was looking. That was good thinking," Simon told Nathan.

"I'm just uh, going to pretend that was intentional and totally an idea that I came up with all by myself."

Simon was smiling at him, and Nathan couldn't help but smile back. Until he noticed that Kelly was letting her dog lick her face.

"What is up with that?" Nathan asked Simon. "That's just gotta be unsanitary. Would you let me lick your face?"

"Please don't." Simon looked horrified, as if he was genuinely afraid that Nathan would actually try it.

"It was a hypothetical question, you little twat." Nathan rolled his eyes, but Simon still looked disturbed. "I'd never actually do such a thing. Trust me," Nathan said and grabbed Simon's face. Before he could think about what he was doing, Nathan was kissing his cheek, even though Simon was trying to push him away.

"Err, what the fuck is going on over there?" Kelly asked.

"You were literally making out with a dog," Nathan replied. "You have no right to judge me for anything. I was just trying to demonstrate to Barry that I would never do something like that by giving him a chaste little kiss."

"I - I didn't ask you to demonstrate anything," Simon said and held his hand to his cheek.

"You two are just dead fucking weird, I swear."

"Hey, at least we're not into beastiality. Or I'm not, at least. I don't know what kind of weird shit Barry's into."

"I'm not."

Simon looked so painfully embarrassed and Nathan took pity on him.

"It's okay, man. Look at you being a proper superhero!" Nathan patted Simon's shoulder.

Simon was smiling at him again, finally.

"We should team up more often and use our powers to do real superhero shit." Nathan wasn't actually that enthused about the whole idea, but he would say basically anything right now to make sure that Simon keeps looking at him like that.

"Err, what the hell did you even do with your power?" Kelly asked.

"I was talking to _him_."

"Great. I ask you lot to do me a favour and I become the third wheel somehow," she muttered.

"Not trying to be funny, but I just don't think you'd fit in with us. We have a little plan to steal shit and go to gay bars and probably some other super manly stuff you wouldn't want to be a part of, no matter how butch you are."

Simon was blushing, but he didn't try to defend himself.

Kelly looked at him as if she thought he was taking the piss but said, "You know what? Just keep me out of it. I don't even want to know."

"You're just jealous. You can't handle our partnership." He wrapped his arm around Simon. "We're like a dynamic duo, and we don't need any girls coming between us!"

She rolled her eyes again. "You are so weird. All of you. I'm so fucking done with blokes, I swear to God..."

"Is this your way of saying you've turned into a lesbo?" Nathan asked.

"Ugh, you're such a dick. You can't just _turn_ gay," Kelly said.

"Maybe you've always been gay and you just haven't realised it." He just couldn't help himself.

"Do you want to die? Maybe I should get you sectioned because if you keep saying shit, you clearly have a death wish."

"Go ahead and kill me," he challenged.

"I'm not going to kill you, I'm just going to tell him," she looked at Simon, "that -"

"Okay, fuck, whatever," Nathan said desperately. "I'm just kidding! I'll just ignore how obviously butch you are and take your word that you're hetero."

"You are a dick," she said again, and hit him.

"Ow? What the hell was that for?"

"You kind of deserved it," Simon said.

Nathan pouted at him. "That's extremely hurtful, you know. It hurts even more than what she did to me. I thought you loved me."

"Shut up," Simon said.

"Yeah? Why don't you make me?"

Kelly looked uncomfortable with the way the two of them were ignoring her entirely because they were too busy flirting. "Look, I gotta get my boy home. I'll see you two tomorrow, yeah? Have fun doing your...whatever it is that you two do." She picked up Keith and walked away.

"So. It's just us now, Barry. What are we doing?"

Simon looked at the time on his mobile. "We still have time to get back to community service."

"Why on earth would we do that?"

Simon opened his mouth to answer, but he must have realised how stupid it was since he didn't say anything.

"It's okay, man," Nathan said and rubbed his shoulder. "We'll just pull a sickie or something. If anything, it would be more suspicious if we went back now. I don't think the probation worker cares, anyway."

"I guess you're right."

"Hey, you know what? You should take me on a date! We need to practice being fake boyfriends."

Simon furrowed his brows. "Why?"

Nathan rolled his eyes. "I just told you why, you twat. You're obviously so shit at pretending to be my boyfriend, so we need to practice more."

"No, we don't. We don't need to pretend anymore. There's no one else we have to convince."

"Yeeeaaah, but, like, what if something like that happens again? We should practice so that no one will be able to tell that we're lying. Plus, being fake boyfriends might be good for you. You can pretend you're a normal person with normal relationships."

"But I don't want to be your fake boyfriend."

"Is that because you want to be my real boyfriend?"

Simon stared at Nathan and then shook his head.

"Come on, Barry. I really do need a reverse-beard in case I run into some girl I shagged and I need an excuse for ignoring her. I can just pretend I'm gay! And I feel like as my best friend you're obligated to help me out here. You can even follow me around invisibly all the time. It's perfect. But we really, really need to practice. It only worked on Kelly's ex because he didn't care enough to scrutinise us."

Simon was obviously hesitant, but he said, "I didn't want to ask, but... What actually happened with you and Kelly?"

"Nothing, really. She just doesn't fancy me anymore. But I think she still loves me. As family or some shit. She said it was all incestuous when I fingered her."

Simon looked scandalised. "So, you two _did_ -"

Nathan put his finger to Simon's lips to shush him. "Not really. All I did was put it in there and then she was immediately saying how wrong it was, so nothing really happened. So, I took it out and that was that."

"Are you... ever going to try to get with her again?" Simon asked quietly.

"Didn't you hear? She's a lesbo now!"

He laughed. "No she's not. But I - I mean, what if she changed her mind about you? You don't still fancy her at all?"

Nathan grimaced. The thought of being with Kelly now _was_ pretty repulsive. She was absolutely right. It did feel wrong, vaguely incestuous.

"Don't worry, Barry. You have nothing to be jealous about."

"I'm not jealous. Why - why would I be jealous?" he laughed nervously.

"Maybe you fancy her," he teased.

"I don't."

"Or you fancy me?"

"That's ...Not - I don't -"

"Oh my God, calm down. I'm just taking the piss."

"Right. Okay." Simon brushed his hair out of his face. "I was only wondering because..."

Nathan tuned him out.

Should he be jealous?

Nathan tried to imagine if Kelly was miraculously into him again. Would he go for it? Nathan _was_  pretty indiscriminate with who he copped off with. He's had his fair share of horrible sexual experiences, but for the most part, he always went for it no matter how terrible or awkward it was. It was better than being alone.

But with Kelly... They're just mates. She was so right when she said it was like shagging a cousin. Even worse, it would feel more like shagging a sister. He didn't think he'd do it even if she begged.

But here he was pursuing the little psycho instead.

Jesus. She was right. She was so right, God damn her. He was more in love with Simon than he ever was with her.

Of course, that doesn't mean he's still in love with him _now_ , but -

"Are - are you even listening to me?" Simon asked with a frown.

"Yeah, of course I am."

He totally was not.

Simon still looked dejected. "You looked like you were zoning out. If you don't actually want to talk to me -"

"Oh my God, Barry. Calm the fuck down, seriously."

_'I was just thinking about how in love with you I may may not be. Jokes on you. Or on me. Whatever.'_

Saying that would be even more horrible than being mean to him.

But everything he said just made Simon look even more upset. It wasn't a good look.

So Nathan put his hand firmly on Simon's shoulder and asked, "Why can't you accept that I actually like you?"

"Because you never acted like you liked me. Until... Recently."

"I've always liked you."

Simon frowned. "I find that hard to believe. You're just taking the piss out of me like always."

"Okay, fine. Tell yourself that if it makes you happy. Or, instead, you can take my word and believe it because we actually _are_ friends. Seriously, man, what do I have to do to prove it now?"

"I... I don't know," Simon admitted.

The kid has unbelievably low self-esteem. Nathan almost felt guilty for how he used to treat him.

"Look, if I didn't want to spend time with you, don't you think I would have fucked off by now? There are so many better things I could be doing right now, but instead I'm with you."

Nathan didn't _actually_  have anything better to do. But he didn't want Simon to know that. And it finally seemed to convince him, or at least got him to stop arguing.

"So. Enough of all that girly 'I like you' bullshit," Nathan said, changing the subject. "Where are you taking me now, babe?" he asked in his horrible fake American accent.

"Please don't do that accent." Simon was smiling again now.

"Why, is it too erotic for you?"

"It absolutely is not."

"Are you sure about that honeybun, because -"

Simon started laughing. Of course he couldn't resist Nathan's charms.

"I'm serious, Barry. Come on. We have to do _something_. This is fucking boring."

"We don't... We don't actually have to go to a gay bar like you told Kelly, do we?" Simon asked.

"Not right now, no. But I'm holding you to it! I expect you to stick to your word and take me out eventually."

Nathan expected Simon to backtrack and insist it was a joke, but instead he said, "Fine. But if we're going to do anything right now, we should probably change out of our jumpsuits."

"Yeah, that'd be a good idea. Or, we could walk around, go up to randoms and ask them to guess what sort of crimes we've committed. I'm sure everyone else would assume you're some kind of panty sniffer, too."

Simon glared at him.

"Alright, or not!"

"We can... go back to my place," Simon offered, although he sounded like it was the absolute last thing he wanted to do.

"I'm flattered Barry, but I'm not that kind of girl."

Simon glared at him again, and instead of arguing he just sighed and started walked away.

"Barryyyyy! Come on! It was a joke." He grabbed Simon's sleeve and Simon let him do it.

"Maybe I actually _am_  that kind of girl," Nathan purred.

"Well... _I'm_ not that kind of girl," Simon said. There was a hint of a smile there. Of course he was loving this. Nathan fucking knew it.

Getting shot down a million times was worth it just for the chance to get Simon to play along with the flirting a little bit. Even if Nathan was still technically being rejected.

"Alright, I'll be on my best behaviour. I promise. For real this time." Simon looked relieved, if still a bit hesitant. "Soooo, are you going to introduce me to your family, then?"

"No. I don't think anyone will be at home right now." He laughed slightly. "I don't think I would have invited you over otherwise."

"You would have just told me to fuck off?"

"Probably," Simon admitted.

"Ouch. You're breaking my heart, Barry. Do you really not love me?"

"Shut up," Simon said, but he was smiling. "Do you - do you want to go to my house or not?"

"Yeah, I'll get to see where you live. That should be fun. I mean, it's only fair. You've been in my room. Although I seriously doubt your house is as glamorous and beautiful as my little mezzanine platform. But don't worry, I promised not to look down on you for that."

"Whatever. Follow me," Simon said.

Nathan felt triumphant. Finally, they were getting somewhere. Even if it was a completely platonic invitation, it was still good enough that he was being invited over at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shite this took longer than I expected because:
> 
> 1\. This chapter ended up *being* longer than I expected, so I broke it up into 2 or 3 shorter chapters to make things easier. Otherwise it would take me so much longer to edit.
> 
> 2\. It turns out I've been busier so far this summer than I was during finals week lmao. I honestly have no idea if it's gonna stay hectic all summer or if things are going to chill out eventually but.... I guess we'll see!?!? I'm so committed to this fic though, so no matter how busy I get I'll make sure to work on this whenever I can.
> 
> Also... What kind name is Keith for a dog? That's his canon name but it sounds so wrong I almost felt obligated to change it lmao, but I am pathologically addicted to sticking to canon as much as I can so... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	11. Chapter 11

Simon's home was a completely average middle class dwelling. Nathan wasn't really sure what he expected, but the thought of Simon coming from a normal home seemed so completely bizarre. As if Simon should live with some underground murderous devil worshipping and child sacrificing cult. Instead, it was just so... Normal. The most abnormal thing about it was precisely how painfully normal it was.

Simon led Nathan to his room. "This is the way. Step inside," he gestured to the doorway.

"Okay, then," Nathan said, amused at his theatrics.

Simon was smiling cheekily.

"What the hell are you smiling about?"

"I'm not allowed to smile?"

"You're allowed to, but it's just fucking weird. It makes you look suspicious," Nathan said, narrowing his eyes.

"It's just a reference to a song I like," Simon said. He went to his laptop and started playing a song with those exact lyrics.

_'Asylums with doors open wide,_  
_Where people had paid to see inside,_  
_For entertainment they watch his body twist,_  
_Behind his eyes he says, 'I still exist.'_

_This is the way, step inside,_  
_This is the way, step inside,_  
_This is the way, step inside,_  
_This is the way, step inside.'_

Nathan sat down on Simon's bed. Compared to the rest of the house, Simon's room was more Simon. It was very neat and tidy, almost to a clinical extent. But in a sense it was also almost childish. His wallpaper had planets on them. He had a shelf full of comic books and SciFi films.

The only thing missing from Simon's room was newspaper clippings of serial murders he's committed, or evidence of him keeping kids locked up for his entertainment. If his room was anything to go by, he really was just a nice yet geeky lad. The only thing that betrayed his inner morbidity was his choice of music.

Simon started undressing and changing his clothes. Obviously he had believed that Nathan would be gentlemanly enough to not look, which was probably a bit stupid, but Nathan kept his eyes to himself.

"So uhhh, I didn't really bring any clothes with me since I didn't expect to end up undressing in your room today," Nathan said.

Simon shot him a look.

"I'm serious, man! Can I, like, borrow some of your clothes? Unless you want me to go around half naked, that is."

"You can look in my closet," Simon muttered.

Making a joke about him being in the closet would be way too fucking easy. Nathan kept any quips that came to mind to himself because it was such low hanging fruit.

Everything in Simon's closet was just so Simon. Mostly black, grey, white and denim blue button up shirts. And there were two T-shirts. He wasn't lying about that.

"You know, umm... Not trying to be funny, but I don't think any of this is going to fit me considering how gracefully tall I am."

Simon frowned and started looking through the closest to see if he could find anything suitable for Nathan.

"Does your mum have any dresses? Those are usually easier to get into."

"Yes, but...she'll kill me if I let you wear one." Simon looked genuinely horrified.

"She doesn't have to know about it! I could give it back afterwards. She probably wouldn't even notice if one goes missing, anyway. And if she does, just tell her to kill me instead. Problem solved."

Simon rubbed his forehead, thought about it for a few moments, and eventually conceded. "Okay. Fine."

 

* * *

 

They went to Simon's mum's room.

"Just don't touch anything or make a mess. Please."

"Act like we're on a stealth mission?" Nathan asked.

Simon nodded. "Exactly. Don't leave any evidence."

After picking out a dress to wear, Nathan asked, "How do I look?"

Simon just stared at him blankly. Fucking typical.

"Look, man, I promise I'm not actually trying to get you to question your sexuality. Serious. I just need something to wear, but I do still want to look sexy."

"Well, since you're dressed like my mum... Just... No."

"Yeah, but otherwise?"

Simon shook his head after a brief pause.

"Hey, we should play dress up together! Come on," Nathan teased.

"No. Absolutely not."

Nathan ignored Simon's protests and broke his promise not to touch anything by throwing a dress at Simon.

Simon sighed. "You're acting like a child."

He seemed annoyed and above it all, but Nathan knew better.

"Does that turn you on?"

Simon looked disgusted. "No! I'm not a paedophile, if that's what you're trying to imply."

"Yeah? That's exactly the kind of thing a paedophile in hiding would say," Nathan said and pointed at Simon.

"You promised you'd behave yourself. If you can't, I'll - I'll have you take it off," Simon said sternly.

"Baby," Nathan whispered and put his on Simon's chest. "If that's what you really want, you're going to have to undress me yourself."

Simon took a step backwards, but not before Nathan could feel his heartbeat speeding to. The little freak was trying to make himself appear composed now, but he just looked even more like a psychopath like that.

"You know, this just, like, pragmatic," Nathan said. "You're the only one being uptight about it. I thought you were all open-minded."

"I am. I just ... You're in my _mum's_ clothes. Can you please at least behave yourself?"

"If she catches us, just say I'm your crossdressing boyfriend. And if she objects she's just, like, homophobic or something. That's her problem, not mine."

"No. I'm not saying that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not true."

"Well, it's like half true," Nathan argued.

Simon's patience was wearing thin. Nathan was really pushing it. He didn't want to stop, but he didn't want Simon to get too upset with him.

"Hey, why don't we just go back to your room? We can chill out and do whatever it is you do in there all day."

Nathan wondered what Simon did cooped up in there all day without getting excruciatingly bored. He probably just wanked nonstop, Nathan realised.

"Alright. Just...behave," he said again.

"I'll be a good boy. Really."

Simon looked like he was fighting back the urge to roll his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Simon was sat in his computer chair awkwardly without saying anything, evidently having no idea how to entertain a guest.

There was a row of homemade DVDs on the shelf and Nathan was running his hands over it.

"How many of these are of me?" Nathan asked. "We should watch some."

Simon blushed a little. "None of them are."

"Are you serious?" Nathan felt a little offended. "What do you do with all the little films you make of me, then?"

"They're either on my phone or on my USB drive," Simon admitted. "I haven't put any of them on DVD yet."

"Except for the one you made for Kelly after I died. She showed it to me, you know."

"She did?"

"Yeah. A bit funny how it hardly featured me and her together even though it was supposed to be made special just for her."

"I just haven't got very many of the two of you," Simon said defensively.

Yeah, because he never cared enough to film it. He was too busy filming Nathan being totally sexy all by his lonesome. It probably made for better wanking material when Kelly wasn't getting in the way, after all.

"You gave her the video of me saying that you were trying to kiss me," Nathan teased.

Simon raised his eyebrows. "You're the one who said it. I didn't make you say that. And I wasn't actually trying to."

It was a fair enough point. Nathan couldn't argue.

Nathan ran his hands along the DVDs again and pulled one out at random.

_'ME AND SAM'_ was written on it in black sharpie. Nathan had never actually seen Simon's handwriting before, but it was so him. All uppercase and blocky. Almost robotically neat. There was a large heart at the bottom of the DVD.

Nathan stared at it. Who the fuck is Sam? Why is there a heart? An ex-boyfriend? Or ex-girlfriend, maybe? No way. He didn't think Simon had ever been in a relationship before. And the idea that he'd still keep a DVD of an ex felt off. But something about it made Nathan desperately need answers.

He waved the DVD at Simon. "Soooo. What's on here? Who is this ' _Sam'_ person?"

Simon looked a little embarrassed. "Nathan, give me that."

Nathan yanked it back. "No, seriously. Who the hell is it?"

Why did he even care so much?

Simon lunged over and grabbed it from Nathan's hand. Simon's fingers brushed over his. Nathan surprised himself by just letting Simon take it from him.

Simon held it in his lap, and smiled while looking down at it.

"Sam is my little sister, actually."

Nathan was relieved. Why was he relieved?

"Okay then, so what's with all the secrecy and embarrassment?"

"I'm not embarrassed," Simon argued.

"You are, man. You're blushing like hell."

It was a bit of an exaggeration, but he _was_  clearly somewhat flustered.

Simon leaned over to put the DVD back on the shelf, but Nathan grabbed his hand to stop him.

"Let's watch it."

Simon furrowed his brows. "I thought you wanted to watch videos of yourself."

He totally _did_. He wanted to see what kind of footage the little freak had of him.

But Simon was acting so fucking weird and Nathan was dead curious about his family life."

"Yeah, but we can do that later. Come on, babe."

Simon blushed even more. "As long as you promise to stop calling me that," he conceded.

"Alright sugarpie -" Simon was glaring at him. "Okay, fuck! I'm sorry. It was just a joke."

Simon put the DVD in his laptop and sat on his bed beside Nathan. They were almost touching. Nathan could shift over slightly and be inconspicuously pressed up against him.

Simon still looked painfully embarrassed.

On the DVD was a home video of a young, baby faced pre-teen Simon with a four or five years old little brunette girl. She had bright blue eyes, just like him.

Sam was playing with dolls and telling a nonsensical story to the young Simon who was just beaming at her and asking her questions about it.

His voice hadn't broken yet, and it was pretty adorable.

The next video cut to Simon braiding her hair. She was dressed up for something, probably a special event. Simon was wearing a suit that was way too big for him.

And in the next video, they were playing a Nintendo game together. Simon was teaching her the controls, being patient, but obviously a bit frustrated when she made a mistake. But he didn't get angry. He was just trying to help her, and was genuinely enthusiastic about teaching her.

Nathan felt like if it was him in Simon's position, he would probably have just been annoyed and would be more likely to to call his younger sibling stupid than he would be to help them out

Nathan was watching the video, transfixed. Some part of his heart ached watching the two siblings. Simon clearly loved his sister so much. The same weird, creepy, loner Simon had someone he loved and cared for unconditionally. It's like all of his pathological problems had dissipated just because he loved her.

Nathan had never had anything like that growing up. He wondered what it would have been like if he and Jamie were raised together, but that line of thought was too painful to really entertain.

Simon was watching Nathan as Nathan watched the video.

"Nathan?" Simon asked. There was a hint of worry in his voice, which Nathan found completely annoying.

"What do you want?" It came out harsher than Nathan intended, but he didn't apologise.

Simon withdrew. "Sorry, we can watch something else," he muttered. "You probably don't want to watch me doing stuff with my sister."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well it's -" Simon frowned. "I don't know. Other kids used to tease me for being close to her. Like, I was too soft, too girly. I...don't want you to think that about me."

Nathan was puzzled.

"Dude, who fucking cares what they think? Maybe it's a bit effeminate to do girl stuff with your little sister, but again, who cares? She's your sister." Once again, Nathan's tone came out harsher than her intended.

"I know. Of course I don't care. I just didn't want you to think -"

"You love her. That's all that matters. It's more important than what any wanker thinks about it."

"I do love her. More than anything."

'Yeah, I bet. She must be lucky having an overprotective, borderline psychopathic older brother who would kill for her out of love."

Simon was too happy with the backhanded comment to be truly offended by it.

Loving someone was weird. Nathan had felt that kind of overwhelming feeling of love for someone that made him want protect them exactly twice in his life. And only in the past few weeks. And it was insane how fast it happened, and how fast it was taken away from him. With Jamie and with Simon, although it was two vastly different forms of love. Nathan had barely gotten to know anything about Jamie before his sudden and premature death. The love the tattoo made him feel for Simon only lasted a day, and he was left feeling empty afterwards.

Nathan wondered if he was even capable or worthy of experiencing love like that again. He had never been bothered about how alone he was until very recently. He didn't know what he  had been missing because he never experienced anything like it before.

It was like there was this gaping void inside of him that he never knew existed until love for another person filled it, and now it was almost impossible for him to ignore.

If it had lasted - if Jamie was still alive, if Simon actually reciprocated and wanted to be with Nathan - he probably would have fucked it up somehow, anyway because he never learned how to have proper relationships with people he cared about. If anything, he would be more likely to intentionally sabotage it.

He looked over at Simon and something twisted inside of him. He is kind of amazing. Love from him must be so special.

_'I could just lean over slightly and we'd be kissing,'_ Nathan thought against his will.

He scooted away from Simon, and leaned against the wall to be more inconspicuous about his motivation for moving.

All of this bullshit from a fucking video of the weird, creepy, murdering kid braiding his little sister's hair.

By now, Simon sensed something was wrong.

"I'm sorry if...if the situation with your brother is bothering you."

Why did he have to be so perceptive? Nathan felt a slight lump in his throat. How fucking embarrassing.

"There's nothing either of us can do about it, so it doesn't matter."

Simon still looked annoyingly concerned, but Nathan was relieved that he didn't press the issue.

"I have something I think you'll like," Simon said.

He closed the video of him and Sam and started browsing through the files on his laptop. He opened a folder that was labeled 'Nathan'.

"You do have a fucking 'Nathan' folder. I fucking knew you would," Nathan said, peering over his shoulder.

"Well...it's more organised to sort them this way," Simon said defensively.

Simon went back to the documents to prove it. There was a Kelly, Alisha, Curtis, and Sam folder, along with a few other names he didn't recognize. He was extremely curious, but he didn't want to ask Simon about that right now.

"Let me seeeeee..." Nathan said and grabbed the mouse from under Simon's hand.

"What are you doing?" Simon asked, trying and failing to take it back.

The 'Nathan' folder was huge, because of course it was.

Nathan clicked another folder. 'Curtis'. It was abysmal, at least compared to Nathan's. There were only a handful of videos.

"Don't touch my mouse," Simon said sternly. "D-don't go through any of my files."

"Why? Afraid I'll find your weird porn collection?"

"No. I don't have one."

"Of course you do."

"I _don't_."

" _Seriously?_ " Nathan thought about it. "Nah, actually, you probably are the type to not download anything and instead scrub your browser history of whatever weird shit you're into. I bet you use a VPN and everything."

Simon looked away.

"Dude, everyone wanks. Don't even try to lie. Nothing to be embarrassed about, unless it's especially weird. You're not actually into kiddie porn, are you?"

"Of course not!" Simon said.

"That's good! What is it that gets you off, then?"

Simon looked at him, puzzled. "Why do you even want to know?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Nathan asked as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"We are not talking about this." Simon squared his jaw and refused to look Nathan in the eye.

"Its just me, dude. You can trust me. I'm a man too, you know, so I get it."

Maybe that's exactly what was bothering him. Some kind of gay panic thing.

"I just mean, I might even wank more than you do, so it's not like I'm going to judge you. And it's not gay to talk about it, if that's what you're worried about. Me and my mates sometimes wank off together, and it's _so_ not gay. Even when we wank each other off!"

Nathan put his hand on Simon's shoulder, and let it slide down over his arm.

Simon stared at him, then shook his head, clearing his mind.

"Do you - do you want to watch my video or not?" he asked sharply, leaning away from Nathan's touch.

"Yeah, sure." Nathan sighed.

"The only reason I have more videos of you is because you entice me to film you more often," Simon stated.

Nathan thought they moved on from this topic. Why was Simon still dwelling on it, trying to think of excuses?

If anything, Nathan had actually told him off for filming him so much. Although, he admittedly did somewhat like the attention.

"Are you saying I'm a camera whore?"

He glanced up at Nathan. "No, but - Yeah, a bit" he smiled.

Nathan feigned offense.

"It's okay," Simon said. "It makes for better videos when someone wants to be filmed."

"That's not creepy at all. It definitely doesn't imply that you have loads of videos from people who did _not_  want to be filmed," Nathan said sarcastically.

Simon just ignored him and put on the video.

Nathan never realised that he really was this much of a camera whore. It was a video where he caught Simon filming him sitting around mundanely, and instead of telling him off, he was encouraging it and telling Simon to film him as he suddenly started dancing awkwardly. Curtis walked in on it and rolled his eyes and immediately left the room. And then Simon broke into a fit of giggles behind the camera. He was suddenly filming the ground because he was laughing too much to keep the camera centered on Nathan.

"Do I always look this sexy?" Nathan asked.

"I - I don't know how to answer that."

"Just say yes. Stroke my ego a little bit."

"...No," Simon said and was grinning like a cheeky fucking bastard.

"Oh, God, I'm so wounded! What ever shall I do if I don't have your love and approval?" Nathan said and dramatically put his hand over his heart.

Simon rolled his eyes and smiled.

Then there was the sound of the front door opening and closing.

Simon paused to video to look at Nathan dramatically.

"That...that must be Sam. Or my mum, but it's more likely that Sam would have gotten home from school early."

"Sweet. You can introduce us."

Simon frowned.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to hit on her. I promise," Nathan assured him.

"No. I - I think you should get going now."

"You're telling me to fuck off? Seriously?"

Simon shook his head. "I'll... come with you if you want."

"And you're going to leave your baby sister all alone? Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that you love me that much, but isn't that a bit harsh?"

Simon looked a bit regretful. "I don't actually want to leave her alone. But that's how it goes. My mum works all day, and I have my community service now, so she spends most of the day alone."

"Okay, that's fine with me. I was just wondering." Nathan certainly was not going to protest if Simon liked him that much.

"Can - can you put on some trousers now?" Simon asked.

"You're just ashamed to be seen with me like this," Nathan said, motioning to the way Simon's mum's dress accentuated his beautiful, lithe form.

"I'm not. It's just... It's My mum's dress. This was a horrible idea. And what if Sam sees you?" Simon frowned.

"So, you want me to wear your clothes instead?"

"That would be ideal, yes."

"Is that some kind of possessive sexual thing?"

"No." Simon's expression was pained.

"Because if she sees me wearing your clothes, she's just going to assume we shagged. Like, that you ripped my clothes off with such force and passion that I had to borrow yours."

Simon looked absolutely tortured. He couldn't even say anything because he was too embarrassed.

"Alright, I'm sorry man. It's just too easy."

Simon passed Nathan some of his items of clothing that were bigger, and let Nathan choose what to wear. Nathan tried to pick an outfit that didn't make him look like an uptight neo-Nazi. He put on a denim button up shirt, but he still looked so much like Simon. It was kind of hot, in the weirdest possible way. Maybe Simon was stupid for not thinking of it as a sexual thing. If it wasn't a weird sexual thing, it probably should be.

"Are you happy now?" Nathan asked.

"You missed a button..." Simon said and held the collar of the shirt.

Nathan was grinning smugly. "No, I didn't. That's actually intentional, you know. But yeah, keep feeling me up if that's what you want."

Simon suddenly realised how gay it was, took a step back, and withdrew his hand as if it had been burnt.

"Let's just go. I'll talk to Sam first, and then we can leave."

"I bet you wish I had your power right now, don't you? That way you wouldn't have to sneak me out like some cheap hooker you didn't want anyone to know you were having an affair with."

Simon looked absolutely tortured again, but he didn't dignify it with a response.

 

* * *

 

Sam was watching the telly, and her homework was lying on the sofa, completely neglected.

"Hi," Simon said and approached her.

"Simon? I didn't know you'd be home this afternoon."

"I didn't know you would," he said and smiled.

She looked confused.

"It was a half-day, remember? Why are you here?"

Her accent was softer, more London than his. The Bellamy's must have moved here from Wales either before she was born, or when she was very young.

"I got out early, actually," Simon lied. "But I have to walk my friend home now. I'll see you later."

He was so chivalrous.

"What friend?" Sam asked, genuinely surprised.

Simon merely pointed at Nathan, and Nathan waved without saying anything, because he knew that Simon would probably consider literally anything  that came out of his mouth to be too inappropriate and would probably kill him for it.

"Love you. Bye." Simon planted a quick kiss on her forehead, which was the most affection Nathan had seen him initiate with anyone, ever.

"Bye," she said, a little bit bitterly as Simon and Nathan went out the door together.  


* * *

 

"You're really not going to introduce us properly?" Nathan asked Simon as soon as they walked out the door. He kind of hoped Simon would change his mind last minute. "Are you just that ashamed of me?"

Simon ignored the question and said, "I'm a shit brother."

"You? Really? What the fuck are you talking about? I literally just saw those videos of you braiding her hair and shit."

"It hasn't been the same since my arrest. I - I think it's put a strain on our relationship. She doesn't look up to me as much anymore."

"Ah. And you don't want her meeting your community service friends," Nathan said, finally putting it all together.

"Yes. Exactly."

It admittedly made Nathan feel a little bit better knowing Simon had a legitimate reason for kicking him out instead of being ashamed of Nathan just because he's Nathan.

"And you don't want her turning to a life of crime like us."

Simon nodded. "It's - it's not like it's all up to me what happens to her, but I want to be a good role model. But I don't know how. I think I'm disappointing her."

"Am I a bad influence on you?" Nathan asked. "I'm not exactly uhhh, encouraging your rehabilitation."

"Yes." Simon didn't even bother trying to deny it. He looked into Nathan's eyes. "But I like you, anyway."

Simon's expression looked so sincere and it sent a weird, almost painful sensation into Nathan's chest. It made him want to look away.

"Do you want me to, you know, fuck off right now?" Nathan asked, even though he absolutely did not want to fuck off.

"No," Simon said without hesitation. He stood in front of Nathan to force him to look at him again. "I like having you around. You're - You are a bad influence on me, but I like being your friend. It makes me happy."

This is what he considers 'happy'?

This was getting way too gay too fast, and Nathan almost wanted to fuck off now just out of stupid spite. But he stayed anyway.

"Well, thanks for that," was all Nathan could say.

Simon was still agitated. Nathan didn't know what to say, so there was an awkward silence for a bit.

"My father's in prison. Arson," Simon said after a while.

"Would it be in bad taste if I said 'Like father, like -'" Simon was glaring at him. "Yeah, okay sorry."

Simon fidgeted. "I don't want to become him. I don't want to be anything like him. Ever since he left, I've been sort of been like Sam's surrogate dad, and I'm fucking everything up," Simon rambled like he couldn't stop himself.

"I don't think you're fucking it up. I mean, hey, at least you're self aware! That counts for something, right?"

"I don't know. Maybe that's worse. Like, I - I know I'm doing everything wrong, but I keep doing it anyway," Simon looked down. "Maybe I'm destined to be just like him. Maybe I already am."

He looked so incredibly sad and Nathan couldn't stand it.

"I think you're alright," Nathan admitted.

Simon looked at him in shock.

"I mean, you're less of a psycho paedophile than I originally assumed. Shit, even your most psychopathic and criminal behaviour such as committing murder only happened because you were trying to protect all of us."

Ugh, now what? Are they going to profess their undying love for each other?

Simon laughed. "I guess that's the closest thing to an actual compliment I'll ever get from you."

"You're saying I can't be nice?"

"Basically."

Nathan thought about it for a while. Simon was right. He couldn't think of anything truly complimentary to say. In general, he didn't know how to give any compliments that weren't backhanded because he was pathologically uncomfortable being too sentimental. 

Simon was looking at him expectantly, but after Nathan said nothing, he laughed bitterly. "See? I knew it."

"Look, anything I think of just sounds extremely gay. So, yeah. I can't," Nathan defended himself.

"I... I think that says more about you than it does about me," Simon said, smirking a little.

"Are you calling me gay?"

"I didn't say anything like that. Those are your words, not mine."

"Okay, but you're _implying_  it. You know what? It's actually not gay," Nathan said defiantly. "Like... Okay. Fine," Nathan sighed.

Simon crossed his arms and looked at Nathan to hear him out.

"You're... you're smart - albeit in a creepy way, like some kind of weird serial killer genius. You've saved our arses plenty of times. If it wasn't for your plan to hide the bodies, we would all probably be in jail getting gang-raped right now."

Simon raised his eyebrows.

"You know, no one really appreciates you." It was the first time Nathan really realised how true that was. Everyone mistreated Simon for so long, especially him. He almost felt guilty about it.

Simon was looking down, not saying anything.

"Shit. I didn't mean it like - Just, okay, fuck. How many people have seen this side of you?"

Simon was silent for a bit. "No one, really."

"Except for me." Nathan felt a bit triumphant knowing that he was the only person to get this far with Simon, even though Simon had every reason to hate him.

Simon nodded.

"No one else understands you," Nathan said. "But I get it. I get you."

"Do you really?" Simon asked. "I don't think anyone truly understands me."

"I don't know! Not exactly. There's still things about you that I'll probably never understand. But I feel you, man. I accept you. Happy?"

Simon didn't immediately say anything, but it seemed to console him. He looked a lot less tense, and was even smiling a little bit.

Simon eventually chuckled. "By the way you were talking about it, I was expecting something gayer, really."

"That _is_ kind of gay," Nathan argued. "I mean, not that I'm actually gay for you, obviously. But appreciating you as a mate? That's still pretty gay. You know, in a non-sexual way. It would actually be _less_ gay if I went on about your neat hair and your beautiful eyes and -" Nathan realised he was going way too far with this, but it would be worse if he backed down now. "And your weird creepy handsome shark sexiness?"

"What?" Simon looked at Nathan in disbelief.

"I have no idea what I'm saying. I'm just completely making up some shite, so don't get your panties in a twist."

"A 'handsome shark'? I just - _What_?" Simon was starting to laugh a bit.

"You don't see it? Your jawline and your eyes and shit."

"How do you come up with this stuff?"

"I don't know. Its a gift, usually. It just came to me magically when that tattoo made me fall in love with you."

Nathan immediately regretted saying that. Taboo subject. They've never really talked about that. And Nathan never, ever wanted to talk about it.

So he quickly changed the subject before Simon had the chance to say anything back.

"But it's just, like, an observation. That's all. Hey! So, uhhh, you never explained how they just let you out on probation if your dad is prison for the same crime."

Simon obviously did not love the conversation change, but he reluctantly answered.

"Well, it wasn't his first offense. He committed several petty fines before. And when he was arrested this last time, arson wasn't the only thing he got nicked for. There were also assault and vandalism charges. I - I don't really know all the specifics. I was still a teenager and I couldn't be arsed to care about the details when I hadn't even seen him in years."

"How long ago was this?"

"About 5 years ago, I think. He and my mum had already separated a while before that. I hadn't heard from him in years at that point. Sam never even really knew him."

"So what about you?"

Simon shifted uncomfortably. "They went easier on me because it was my first offense. And they - they thought I was mentally unstable." Simon rubbed his forehead. "I probably shouldn't even be telling you any of this."

"Why not?" Nathan asked, a little bit offended by Simon's lack of trust in him.

"Because... Well, you're not exactly the most sympathetic person."

"Look, man. I've told you all about my fucked up family life. I could even go on if you want. So I'm hardly in a position to look down on your for _your_ fucked up shit."

"I - I guess that's fair."

"So, they're trying to say you're a legitimate psycho?"

"Not that. I was just put in a psychiatric unit until they decided I wasn't 'insane' enough because I was aware of my actions. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. So they put me on community service. But they said I had anxiety and possible dysthymia."

Nathan only had the vaguest idea of what that meant.

"What, you believe it just because they said so?"

"I don't know. I - I don't think I really believe in the categorisation that much. Like, they just want to slap a label on everything. But...some of it makes sense. I've always been abnormal."

"Nothing wrong with that," Nathan said.

"I'm - I'm a convicted felon. Of course there's something wrong with it. And - and you take the piss out of me the most for it. You call me weird kid -"

"Barry," Nathan cut him off before he he could ramble even more. "Calm down. None of that means I don't like you."

Simon looked at him like he couldn't believe it.

"No, seriously. Yeah, you're a little freak. But that _is_  why I like you."

Simon calmed down after that, and eventually continued.

"I started seeing a therapist. It...never really went anywhere. I couldn't talk about my problems. I just told her what I thought she wanted to hear. I didn't want to upset her by telling her the truth. Then she told me she didn't think I needed therapy because everything was supposedly fine."

"So you lie in therapy because you don't to upset your therapist? You're _that_  much of a little arse-kisser?"

Simon looked offended, but was too dejected to defend himself.

"When I would get sent to the school counselor, I'd lie to make things _worse_ for them. One time I said that my mum's boyfriend was sexually abusing me," Nathan reminisced. "There was even an investigation, and they let me out of school while that was happening. Good times."

"Did - did he actually do anything to you?" Simon asked, sounding unbearably concerned.

"Nah. I'd just make up so much shit that they didn't even know what to believe anymore until they'd get frustrated and tell me to fuck off."

Nathan had always found it easier to lie about his problems than tell the truth. If someone ever got close to figuring him out, he had a habit of spinning ridiculous exaggerations. That way, no one could tell how close to the truth it really was.

Simon laughed a little bit. "I take it you were the problem kid who'd get sent out of every class?"

"All. The. Fucking. Time. You have no idea. I'm pretty sure everyone there hated me and was so glad when they never had to see me again," Nathan said.

"Didn't you have any friends?" Simon asked, sounding concerned again.

_'Oh my God, fuck off and stop questioning me,'_  Nathan thought.

"Sure, man. Loads of them. I was extremely popular and well loved."

Simon didn't need to know that he had difficulty forming close friendships. Most of his relationships as a teenager were based on taking drugs together or one night stands with people he almost never talked to ever again. Most people couldn't stand to be around him unless they were also intoxicated. Simon looked like he saw right through him, which Nathan absolutely hated.

"If you're this immature now, I can't imagine how insufferable you were as a young teenager," Simon smirked.

"Well, fuck you too, then. I'm sure you were an absolutely lovely and popular person."

It didn't phase Simon. He was still smiling because he loved the chance to take the piss out of Nathan.

Then, Simon asked, "Do you think we would have been friends?" in a voice that was much more vulnerable.

"I... have no fucking clue. Probably not, too be honest. I mean, our friendship has been pretty unstable," Nathan admitted even though he has recently been constantly trying to convince Simon that they were and have always been best friends. Nathan was suddenly glad they met exactly when they did.

Simon nodded. "You're probably right."

"Unless there was some kind of, like, Breakfast Club situation going on. Although I guess that's basically what's happening right now with our little group," Nathan realised.

"I didn't know you liked that film," Simon said.

"I didn't know _you_ did."

"I liked the soundtrack to Pretty in Pink. Especially the song by Echo & the Bunnymen. So after that, I watched some of the director's other films."

"You're so Allison," Nathan mused. "I guess that makes me Andrew."

"I think you're more like Bender," Simon argued.

_'Shut up and stop trying to analyse me and just let me flirt with you, you fucking twat,'_ Nathan thought.

"Whatever you say," was what he said instead.

Simon smiled.

"Hey, we should have a little sleepover at my place sometime and have a movie marathon!" Nathan said.

"What would we watch?" Simon asked, thankfully sounding receptive to the idea.

"Anything you want. I mean an actual film, though, not some kiddie porn you downloaded off the internet."

"Nathan, I'm not -"

"You're not a paedophile, alright. I know. You keep saying that."

Then Nathan had a brilliant idea.

"Or, we could could even go to the cinema together right now!"

Like a date, but not really.

"Not right now," Simon said. "I was going to head back home soon."

"What? I thought we were hanging out," Nathan said.

"I - I thought I was just walking you home. To the community centre, I mean."

"I thought that was just a cover so you could go out with me. Come on! Let's do something," Nathan pleaded.

He didn't want Simon to leave him alone. He wanted to be with him all the time. How the fuck did that happen? Nathan had brushed off Simon's attempt at being friends so many times before.

The little shit wasn't actually so bad. Nathan was so stupid for not realising that earlier.

"No. Not right now," Simon said firmly. "Our conversation made me realise I really should go home and talk to Sam. I still want to be friends with all of you, but I want to be there for her, too."

Nathan wished it hadn't gone this way. He shouldn't have encouraged him to be a good brother. He needs to lure Simon deeper into a life of crime and indulgence and hanging out doing fun, occasionally illegal, occasionally homoerotic things with his best friend instead.

"What am I supposed to do? I can't just go back to the community centre. It's not 5:00 yet," Nathan argued.

"I... I don't know. You can do whatever you want."

All he wanted to do was be with Simon. He didn't really even care what they were doing as long as they were together.

"At least take me out to dinner or something to pass the time," Nathan said, and he honestly didn't know if he meant it to be facetious or not.

"I want to go back home. I'm sorry."

"I take it I'm not invited?" It was worth one more try.

"Not right now," Simon said a bit regretfully.

"Okay. Fine. I guess I'll just fuck off, then," Nathan said, sounding much more childish and bitter than he expected to

He started to walk away by himself.

"Nathan -" Simon said and grabbed his arm to stop him.

"What do you want?"

Simon stared at him deliberately for a few moments, looking as if he was struggling with something in his mind.

Nathan was just about to get annoyed and walk away until Simon held onto Nathan's shoulders, stood on his tippy toes and quickly kissed Nathan on the cheek.

"I'll - I'll see you tomorrow," Simon stammered, refusing to look Nathan in the eye, and practically ran away afterwards.

_'Oh my God, he really is in love with me,'_ Nathan thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song References:
> 
> [ Atrocity Exhibition by Joy Division](https://youtube.com/watch?v=5AqeqAQ1ILI)
> 
> [Bring on the Dancing Horses by the Echo & the Bunnymen.](https://youtube.com/watch?v=V_bJf3foa5I)
> 
> IMO none of E&tB's other songs come close to being as magnificent as the gothic masterpiece of The Killing Moon but to be fair, that's like only because The Killing Moon is probably one of the best songs ever made, ever. But of course this is my extremely biased goth opinion lmao


	12. Chapter 12

It's okay because Nathan started it. It had to be okay. Right?

Simon's head was reeling. He couldn't stop feeling acute regret the entire time he walked home. Why did he feel like he did something wrong? It was all okay. It was going to be okay

He did nothing wrong. If Nathan actually cared, he would have said something. He wouldn't have started all of it in the first place. Nathan didn't do anything to object to it. Those were the facts.

So, Simon could be assured that there was nothing _wrong_ , objectively, about what happened, but it still didn't feel _right_.

Simon felt like a line had been crossed that he could never come back from now. And that simple sense of change, at the very least, contributed to a pit of regret and anxiety in his stomach.

 

* * *

 

When Simon got back to the house, he sat down on the sofa next to Sam. He had to stop thinking about Nathan. He had to do just about _anything_ to get his mind off of it.

"So," Sam turned to him, "what was all that about?"

"It was nothing," Simon replied.

She raised her eyebrows at the unsatisfactory answer, and averted her gaze to the television again.

"H-how was your day?" Simon asked.

"It was alright," she shrugged.

Great. Neither of them could properly communicate with each other anymore. This is the opposite of what Simon wanted.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Simon whispered.

"What?" It clearly intrigued her.

"I didn't actually get out of community service early. I skipped."

"Oooh, I'm going to tell mum and she's going to tell the probation worker on you," she teased.

Simon actually smiled. It was nice joking with her.

Maybe Simon didn't have to be a perfect, upstanding role model. He just didn't want her to make the same mistakes he did. He just has to be there for her and support her. But he can still be the fun older brother. Breaking little rules like that didn't have to be _so_ bad.

He tried to not dwell on his knee jerk reaction thinking he could just murder the probation worker if he had to.

As long as he can just be supportive, have fun,  _maybe_ commit a few harmless crimes, but try not to murder people, it will all be fine.

Maybe Nathan was rubbing off on him a bit.

Shit. It's only been a few minutes, and he's already thinking about Nathan again.

"Should we... Should we do something fun?" Simon asked. "I mean, if you had other plans, that's -"

"Yeah, that would be nice. We can play a game together.  It's been a while since we did that."

This was good. Bonding with his sister, having fun, and distracting himself from all his failures, moral shortcomings, and troubling, confusing feelings for his best friend is just the thing he needs right now.

 

* * *

 

It doesn't work out like that in practice.

"Are you okay? You seem distracted," Sam asked after Simon had made several careless mistakes in the game.

It was hard to really concentrate when his mind was still swimming. This should be a perfect distraction. But any time he tried to focus, his mind would betray him and wander back to thoughts about Nathan somehow.  
  
"Yes. I'm - I'm fine. Just a bit tired," Simon lied. "Maybe I should go make us some tea?"

Simon left before she could answer.

 

* * *

 

When he got into the kitchen, Simon checked his phone. No calls, no texts, no messages whatsoever from Nathan. He didn't really know what else he expected, but it made his heart sink.

A few weeks into their community service, Simon tried to exchange phone numbers with everyone. Nathan, of course, accused Simon of coming onto him. Instead of rejecting him though, he gave Simon his number anyway.

Simon would occasionally get random texts from Nathan in the middle of the night. Ones that made absolutely no sense and were probably the result of sleep deprivation and/or intoxication. Simon had always wondered if Nathan merely sent them to him on accident.  Nathan rarely responded back when Simon would reply to one of those random texts, but Simon didn't really care. He liked attention from Nathan in any form he could get it. Even if Nathan was truly paying attention to Simon at all, it made him smile just to be able to get a little window into Nathan's mind.

He rubbed his forehead. This was all fucked. He needs to stop thinking about Nathan. Nathan's gone. Simon practically told him to fuck off even though Nathan still wanted to spend time with him. He shouldn't be thinking about him now. He should stick with the choice he made.

As Simon was fixing up the tea, there was a knot in his stomach and a weird pain in his chest that made him stop what he was doing. He didn't want to acknowledge it - he didn't want this thought invading his mind in the first place. But it was already there, and it wouldn't just go away

Maybe... Maybe he _did_ actually fancy Nathan. Just a bit. A tiny, tiny bit. But even if it's only a bit, that's still dangerous. It could fester and grow into something bigger.

It seems kind of obvious now, but it's still not quite right. This doesn't feel like any other crush Simon has ever had. Maybe it's nothing, really. Maybe he'll laugh at the idea he ever considered fancying Nathan in the first place. But right now, it wasn't funny. It was kind of terrifying.

He went back to trying to repress those feelings just as quickly as they appeared unbidden in his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

Simon, amazingly, was able to put himself through a few more levels of gaming while maintaining the facade of being fine before finally excusing himself to his room.

There was Nathan's jumpsuit on Simon's bed. Simon suddenly realised he'd have to give it back, and he'd have to get his own clothes back from Nathan tomorrow. He'd have to do this before anyone else got to the community centre because if anyone saw it, they'd surely assume the worst.

Simon looked it over.

It was completely disgusting. How Nathan managed to get it that dirty, Simon had no idea. It was certainly an unattractive trait of Nathan's. That's something to cling onto. Simon decided to wash it, because Nathan couldn't be trusted to take care of himself.

The thought of seeing Nathan alone also made Simon feel extremely anxious. It was almost as bad as the thought of confronting Nathan in front of all the others. He just hoped that Nathan forgot all about the little kiss - even though it was just a kiss on the cheek - or, at least that he wouldn't bring it up.

Nathan probably doesn't actually mind it. He did start it after all. Simon had to keep reminding himself of that fact.

So, Nathan was evidently okay with flirting as long as it doesn't mean anything. That's good. That's okay.

But...

Simon didn't think _he_ was really okay with that. It was too messy. It was dangerously close to being indicative of something more than friendship, and he couldn't allow himself to think about that right now.

 

* * *

 

Simon arrived at the community centre early the next morning. He found Nathan in his bed, sleeping. That was probably good. They wouldn't have to talk to each other this way.

Simon gently and quietly folded up the jumpsuit and put it near Nathan. Afterwards, he realised that it probably would have been much easier to turn invisible, but maybe a small part of him was okay with the idea of Nathan waking up and catching him.

Simon put on his own jumpsuit, got a drink out of the vending machine, and sat on the bench waiting for everyone else to arrive.

Eventually, Nathan came running to the locker room, clutching his jumpsuit. After a few moments, he shouted, "Barry, I know you're in here!"

Simon smiled and walked in the room.

Nathan turned around, surprised to see him coming through the door.

"I actually wasn't in here. I was sat in the hall. You just didn't see me."

"So...you weren't actually being invisible and just fucking with me?"

"No."

"You didn't spy on me sleeping, did you?"

"Of course not."

Nathan looked skeptical, but accepted the answer.

"Okay. Fine." He held out the jumpsuit in front of Simon. "What the fuck is this about, then?"

Simon was confused. "It's your jumpsuit."

"Obviously," Nathan said.

"And I was just giving it back."

"Did you wash it?" Nathan sounded like Simon did something absolutely horrible, in the same way Simon would react if someone ruined his own jumpsuit.

"Yes."

" _Why_?"

"Because it was dirty," Simon said, stating the obvious. "And I figured you never would, so I did it for you."

"That's very lovely and sweet and all that," Nathan said. "But you're not my mum. You don't need to take care of me."

Simon wanted to take care of him anyway.

"And you're kind of ruining my image, you know. I thought the rugged, dirty thing was a bit sexy," Nathan winked. "Don't you agree?"

Simon rolled his eyes and shook his head. "D-do you have my clothes?"

"Yeeeaaaah, but I'm thinking about keeping it in my locker to see if anyone notices. I wonder how many of them would assume we shagged."

"Nathan, please."

"Hmmm..." Nathan said, pretending to dwell on it. "Nah. I decided I do want to keep it."

Simon was annoyed, and he tried to cling on to that feeling. This is just who Nathan was. An annoying prick. It was yet another unattractive trait of his.

"Nathan, I'm serious."

"No. You should have thought about that before you gave it to me," Nathan argued.

"Where the hell were you lot yesterday?" Alisha asked as soon as she walked in.

"Oh, hello, it's nice to see you too," Nathan said sarcastically.

Alisha rolled her eyes. "It was just me and Curtis basically all of yesterday. We had so much to do, and we had to tell the probation worker that you all had important shit going on. Kelly came by later, but she _actually_  had important shit to do. You two were just nowhere to be found all day."

Simon didn't think that Kelly would actually go back. He suddenly felt guilty that he gave in so easily to Nathan's request that they just skip the whole day. It was court ordered community service after all. Nathan is a horrible influence on him. That's...that's not actually okay.

"Hey, we had important shit to do, too!" Nathan said defensively. "We helped Kelly out with her shit, and then we had, uhhhh... guy stuff to do." He winked at Simon, very conspicuously, probably meant to convey 'I'm not telling them all your secrets', but it looked very gay on the outside.

"What, like sucking each other off?" Alisha asked.

Simon winced. This was horrible. "No," he said quickly. "Nothing like that."

"Who's sucking who off?" Kelly asked when she walked in.

"Nathan and Simon were both sucking each other off."

" _No._  No, we weren't," Simon said firmly.

Kelly looked at Simon. "Nah, Simon's telling the truth. I can tell."

Kelly and Nathan exchanged a glance and then Kelly said, "You know I know you're lying, right? Just because you're thinking something, doesn't mean it's what really happened. Twat."

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Maybe that's just what I _want_  you to think. Ever thought about that?" Nathan asked.

Kelly squinted. "What the hell does that even mean?"

"I don't know! I never think about the shit I say. I just say it!  _I_ don't even know what that means. Who cares?"

Kelly rolled her eyes, and then everyone went back to ignoring Nathan. Curtis walked in, and everyone was getting ready for community service like it was just another average day.

"Okay, Barry, fine," Nathan whispered. "If you care _so_ much about it, you can have your clothes back." He finally fetched Simon's clothes from the locker, and handed it over.

"T-thanks. Was that so hard?" Simon was still annoyed, but he was relieved it was over now.

"...Why did you have Simon's clothes?" Alisha asked.

Simon wanted to die. He didn't need anyone paying attention to them, especially now of all tines.

"Why do you think?" Nathan asked. He was obviously loving this.

"Did you... you know?" Curtis asked.

"You mean, did we shag?" Nathan replied. "Because the answer is -"

"W-we didn't. We really did _not_." Simon looked to Kelly for reassurance. "I - I thought we already established this," he said, heart pounding.

"Everybody, just lay off Simon, yeah?" Kelly scolded.

Kelly was so nice. _'I should be fancying her instead,'_ Simon suddenly thought, and then hoped to God she didn't hear it. She thankfully made no indication that she did. She usually gives people a funny look when they think something odd.

"Why do you even care?" Nathan asked Simon. "Wouldn't you rather have them believe that you were getting laid at all?"

"No. Not if it's untrue."

"You are an unbelievable little twat."

Simon made a face. Of course Nathan was back to insulting him already.

"Look, I gave you back your little Nazi uniform. Shouldn't you be happy with that?"

"It's not a Nazi uniform," Simon said defensively.

"Oh, yeah, sure and you're not a complete twat," Nathan said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

Simon couldn't even care enough to be  truly offended by the insults now. He knew that Nathan got defensive and mean whenever he felt slighted somehow. It was yet another unattractive trait of his.

Although... The only thing that makes sense is if Nathan was actually upset about Simon refusing to lie and let everyone believe they shagged. Simon tried not to dwell on what that meant, if it even meant anything at all.

 

* * *

 

As soon as they got to lunch break, Simon practically ran off. He didn't know where he was going, he just needed to be away from everyone for a few minutes. Turning invisible as he left the community centre might have been overkill, but it was comforting. He'd always found relief in being able to turn invisible, even when he didn't really need to. It was so much easier to cut himself off from the outside world that way.

The more time away from Nathan and Kelly, the better. Nathan for the obvious reasons. The anxiety, heart skipping, mind racing feelings around him are already bad enough. When Kelly's there, Simon feels even more paranoid. It's not like she would single out Simon's thoughts. As far as he gathered, she doesn't hear every single thought people around her have. But she's incredibly perceptive, even without factoring in her power. She's a lot smarter than people give her credit for.

Thinking about Nathan is dangerous. And not just because he's worried Kelly will find out what's going on in his head. He doesn't want these thoughts and feelings to exist in the first place. Obsessing over them makes it worse.

But he can't just ignore them. That also makes it worse - arguably worse than obsessing, because then they'll just surface in a way he can't control. So he has to get his shit together fast. He might as well try to do it now.

He sincerely hopes he doesn't fancy Nathan. It doesn't feel like any crushes he's had in the past, so that's a good sign. But it's complicated.

The facts were these...

He flip flops between seriously liking Nathan and being seriously irritated by him. Between wanting to spend time with him and wanting to be far, far away from him. There are traits that Nathan has that bother Simon immensely. His flippancy, the way he can treat people so callously, mainly.

It bothers Simon the way Nathan treats and talks about women. He can be such a prick. He only sees them as sexual objects, and it's disgusting.

But... But it's not just a moral objection, Simon has to admit. He feels a pang of jealousy whenever Nathan talks about girls. And it's not because Simon is insecure and wishes _he_ was more successful with girls. He just doesn't want Nathan to be like that. It makes him insecure for the wrong reasons. How can Nathan just do all that without feeling anything? How can it not matter to him? Do any of his relationships matter to him at all, or is he just using people to feel good about himself?

On the other hand... Nathan is mesmerising. He's charming, even if it's in an annoying way. He makes Simon laugh, even when he's not being particularly funny. He always seems to be staring at Nathan. Usually because Nathan is a show off and demands to be the centre of attention, but every time Simon gets lost in his thoughts he realises his gaze was focused on Nathan the whole time. Whenever they're in a group, Simon's eyes naturally land on Nathan, even on the rare occasions when Nathan's being quiet. And, of course, the majority of Simon's videos end up mostly being about Nathan.

Being around Nathan makes Simon nervous. Not just because he's an arse and insults him all the time. Yes, he's irritated by Nathan when he acts like a prick, because it hurts Simon's feelings. He doesn't want to be around Nathan when Nathan makes him feel uncomfortable things. But in reality, he does to be with Nathan all the time, but he wants it to be just the two of them, and he wants it to be intimate. Not sexually, but emotionally. Sometimes he feels miles away from Nathan, and sometimes he feels like Nathan is the only one who understands him. He sees a vulnerable side to Nathan sometimes, and he wants to nurture it. He wants to see Nathan for who he is when he's not putting up some kind of front to impress people or building up defensive walls around himself. Nathan can be so emotional sometimes, and Simon just wants to make him happy.

But... does it mean anything?

Could he even think about being in a couple with Nathan? Even if, somehow, Nathan miraculously had feelings for him, could that ever work? Could they put up with their differences? Or would it just inevitably end messily with hard feelings?

Does he even truly like Nathan, or is he just unbearably lonely and clinging onto any affection he can get? Especially coming from someone like Nathan, who is not exactly known for being affectionate and loving, since it makes him feel special. But is that even real intimacy? Is it all in his head? Does Nathan even really give a shit about him, or is he just fucking around?

He can't imagine any potential relationship or feelings between him that go beyond friendship ever being okay. Even if he _does_  fancy Nathan, he can't let it go too far. It's all fucked up. He'd be better off fancying practically _anyone_  else. If anything even _did_ come out of their mild flirtation (which is an extremely unlikely scenario anyway), it would ruin everything. He has to settle for being friends. That's the best possible outcome. It's okay. It's fine. Simon is fine with that. He has to be.

Simon should probably distance himself from Nathan to kill off any potential feelings, just in case. Even if Nathan throws a tantrum, it's better for both of them this way. Under no circumstance is it ever okay to develop real feelings for him. It would never work. It's stupid to even entertain the idea.

So that's settled. He's still unsure whether or not he truly fancies Nathan, but the point is, he mustn't be allowed to do so. He can't let it ever get to him.

In a way, it's a relief. He may not know how he currently feels, but he knows how he's supposed to feel. And he knows what he has to do to make sure he doesn't fuck it all up.

 

* * *

 

Simon was gone for longer than he expected he would be while trying to sort it all out. Too long to really justify wandering aimlessly lost in his thoughts. He walked to the corner shop to buy some crisps. So what if they had a vending machine at the community centre? He could buy crisps they don't have there. It's an easy, albeit somewhat lackluster excuse for his time out - assuming anyone even noticed his absence in the first place.

"Oh my God, Barry. There you are, my love," Nathan said upon seeing him again. "I missed you so much, it felt like you were gone for ages!"

Simon shrugged it off. He mustn't let the empty flirtations affect him. At least Nathan didn't try to hug or kiss him.

"Oh, you got me crisps? How lovely," Nathan said and took the bag from Simon's hands.

Simon felt a real flash of annoyance.

"They're not yours," Simon said, taking it back. "They're mine."

"You're not even going to share?" Nathan asked. "That's just evil. I'm homeless, you know. It's the least you could do for me."

_'Don't let him guilt trip you. He doesn't have power over you.'_

"Just one?" Nathan asked. "Pretty please?"

Simon reluctantly gave in and offered him some. Not because Nathan was literally batting his eyelashes at Simon. Just because he wanted Nathan to stop pestering him.

"It's okay, we can share," Nathan said. He pulled another crisp out of the bag, and tried to put it in Simon's mouth.

Simon grabbed Nathan's hand to stop him. Then, he realised that they were touching, and quickly let go. He thought he could see a smirk developing on Nathan's face. He hated it.

"I can feed myself."

"I was just trying to be nice," Nathan pouted.

' _He's manipulating you. Don't give in.'_

"You know, he didn't even want to share his crisps with me," Nathan complained to Kelly as she walked by.

"So what?" Kelly asked. "He doesn't have to."

"Yeah, but my feelings are hurt."

"Ugh, you're such a little baby," Kelly said.

"Kelly," Simon said. "Do you want some?"

"Oh my God," Nathan said. "So you're offering to share with her, but not with me? What the fuck?"

Simon was the one smirking now. "I'm just suddenly in a sharing mood," he teased.

"Yeah, sure, mate," Kelly said and took some.

It was nice to see the smug look wiped off of Nathan's face. He tried not to feel guilty about supposedly hurting his feelings. It was probably all a manipulative lie, Simon told himself.

 

* * *

 

All in all, it had been a pretty normal day. It was not as disastrous as Simon assumed it would be after kissing Nathan on the cheek. It seems really minor now. Nathan didn't even mention it. Simon had to force himself not to care. It was just a thing that happened, and they were going to move on as if it _didn't_ happen. That's the best possible outcome, surely.

"What are you all doing tonight?" Curtis asked as they were all getting ready to leave. "Nikki was telling me she wants to see more of all my community service friends. And we haven't all gone out in a while so... Anyone up for it?"

"I'll go. Sounds fun," Kelly said.

"Yeah, why not. I actually like Nikki," Alisha said. "It would be nice to see her."

"Oooh, careful, mate," Nathan said and pointed at Curtis. "Don't let your ex-girlfriend steal your current girlfriend."

"Oh, fuck off," Alisha said. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"I'm serious, though! You gotta watch out for that kind of thing. It's happened to me once, actually."

"You taking the piss?" Curtis asked. He then rolled his eyes. "I can't even imagine you bagging one girl, let alone -"

"Hey -" Nathan interrupted and frowned. "That's very hurtful. I'm quite popular with the ladies, you know. But... Well..." Nathan made a face. "Neither of them were exactly my girlfriend. I've never had a proper girlfriend, actually."

Alisha snorted. "No surprise there."

"That's only because I'm too wonderful to be tied down to one girl like that. I could get any girl I wanted, if I wanted to. I just don't bother with all that high maintenance, girly, relationship bullshit."

Simon's heart sank, stupidly. Of course Nathan would think that. Of course. Nathan likes girls. Nathan doesn't like feelings or relationships. Of course. That is Nathan all over. It's who he's always been. It's stupid to think he could ever be any different.

Kelly, Alisha, and Curtis all looked at Nathan skeptically. It did make Simon slightly happier to see that they thought Nathan was full of shit.

Maybe that's the way Nathan views himself, but everyone knows he's really not as successful as he claims he is.

"The truth is that I was just chatting up this one girl, who was apparently _so_ not into me, but I thought I was getting somewhere! Or that we would eventually, at least. Then, a girl I was with a few nights before came up to us. I thought she was there for _me,_ but she just stole the other girl away from me. They started making out right in front of me. It was mental. That was...somewhere in the top ten most humiliating rejections I've faced, probably," Nathan contemplated.

Curtis scoffed. "You got something against homosexuality?"

"No, no. Far from it. I actually thought it was hot. I tried to ask if I could get in on it for some sexy three way action, but they just told me to fuck off."

"Maybe the other girl wasn't into blokes at all. Not respecting their boundaries is still kind of homophobic," Curtis muttered.

"Well, I'm sorry if I offended your lesbian sensibilities," Nathan mocked.

Curtis rolled his eyes.

"But honestly, you can't say I'm homophobic! That makes no sense!" Nathan argued. "It's, like, the least accurate insult you could call me."

Curtis raised his eyebrows. "Is that so?"

"I'm probably gayer than the rest of you combined," Nathan said matter-of-factly.

Alisha laughed. "That's not really surprising, either."

"What? No!" Nathan said, suddenly defensive. "Why would you even think that? I'm not actually gay-gay. I just said I'm gay _er_ than the rest of you lot. Big fucking deal."

"Well, have you actually fucked any blokes, then?" Alisha asked.

"Maybe. Maybe not. How about let's just leave it to the imagination, yeah?"

"You're either gay or you're not," she argued. "And this all sounds pretty gay."

"It's not like that," Nathan argued back. "You don't have to be gay to do gay things. Sexuality is a bit of a spectrum, right Barry?"

Simon's heart stopped. "I - I don't -" he sputtered. "Why are you -"

"Look mate," Curtis said to Nathan, thankfully cutting Simon off before he had to think about what to say. "No one actually cares. You coming or not?"

"Sure, man. Why the fuck not? Maybe I'll find some guy to shag just to prove a point. Or not. We'll see."

Kelly laughed. "I'd love to see that. I dare you to do it."

"Now there's all this pressure on me. It takes all the fun out of it if you're actually expecting me to," Nathan whined.

Nathan looked over to Simon, opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but evidently changed his mind. Simon kind of wished he could read minds sometimes. 

"You coming too, Simon?" Curtis asked.

Simon smiled. Attention from Curtis was nice. They still weren't very close, but being friends with Curtis made him feel almost normal.

"S-sure. I'm up for it," Simon said.

He wasn't very enthused about it, really. He had been looking forward to going home and being by himself. But... it'll be good to hang out with people that aren't just Nathan. Maybe he only likes Nathan because they spend so much time together. If he started going out more with the others, his feelings for Nathan might naturally fade away.

And if Nathan actually tries to get off with someone else, that should be a wakeup call to kill any potential feelings Simon has for him. It's who Nathan is. Simon just hasn't seen that side of Nathan for a while. But a reminder of that is just what Simon needs to get over this bullshit and come back to reality.


	13. Chapter 13

The group headed to the bar immediately after community service, and all walked together. Nikki was going to meet up with them at the bar.

Simon wanted to walk beside Nathan, but that's exactly why he decided not to do so. Thankfully, Nathan wasn't being clingy right now, and went ahead and talked to Kelly instead or pestering Simon.

Simon trailed behind everyone and put on his headphones to block out his thoughts.

Even now, while heading out with his friends, he was still trying to shut himself off from the world. He was listening to music made nearly thirty years ago by himself through his headphones instead of engaging in conversation and laughing with the rest of them.

He was getting better at being social, but still needed to work on being present. But, considering all the new weird, troubling feelings for his friend on top of his general shyness, Simon figures he deserves to allow himself some momentary comfortable solitude.

_'Won't you,_  
_Please let me go,_  
_These words lie inside,_  
_They hurt me so,_  
_And I'm not the kind that likes to tell you,_  
_Just what I want to do,_  
_I'm not the kind that needs to tell you,_  
_Just what you,_  
_Want me to'_

"Hey! Barry!" Nathan said suddenly and spun around to walk towards Simon.

Simon froze.

Nathan grabbed his shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing? Come out of your creepy shell and talk with us!" he insisted.

Simon sighed and went to turn off the device.

"Hold on. Wait. What kind of weird gay shit are you listening to, Barry?" Nathan asked. He put his hands on Simon's face to steady him, and pulled out one of his headphones before Simon could do anything to prevent it.

Simon yanked it away from him. "Don't."

"Why? It's not like I'm not going to judge you."

"Yes you are," Simon said incredulously, not believing that he had to explain his defensiveness to Nathan. "You always do. You assumed it was 'weird gay shit'."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "It's because you're the Weird Kid. Everything you do is weird. It's just who you are. It's a compliment! I just threw in the gay shit as a bonus."

Alisha was looking at them now, and obviously trying to stifle giggles. Why? Was she making fun of Simon? Of Nathan? Or just that Simon and Nathan were simply talking together, and their relationship was some kind of huge joke? It basically was, after all. Especially to someone looking at it from the outside.

Nathan completely ignored the way that Alisha was looking at them, and the way that Simon was glaring at him and trying to convey with his body language that he just wanted to be left alone. Simon couldn't tell whether Nathan really was that oblivious, or if he just didn't care what other people thought.

Nathan stole the headphone from Simon again, and bent down a bit to accommodate the height difference between them. Simon didn't really understand why he allowed Nathan to do this. He was annoyed, embarrassed, and anxious, but Nathan standing so close to him and trying so hard get through Simon's personal bubble felt... weirdly nice.

' _I saw you this morning; I thought that you might like to know,_  
_I received your message in full a few days ago,_  
_I understood every word that it said,_  
_And now that I've actually heard it,_  
_You're going to regret,_  
_And I'm not the kind that likes to tell you,_  
_Just what you want me to,_  
_You're not the kind that needs to tell me,_  
_About the birds and bees.'_

All things considered, it was one of the more normal songs that Simon had on his MP3 player at the time. That, at least, he could be thankful for.

"Hmm," was all that Nathan said for the time being.

_'Do you find this happens all the time?_  
_Crucial point one day becomes a crime,_  
_And I'm not the kind that likes to tell you,_  
_Just what I want to do,_  
_I'm not the kind that needs to tell you...'_

"Is this about paedophilia?" Nathan interjected.

"What? N-no."

"Jaysis, Barry, relax. I'm just taking the piss."

Then, Nathan grabbed the MP3 player from Simon's pocket before Simon could stop him.

" _Age of Consent_." He said and raised his eyebrows at Simon.

"S-shut up," Simon said defensively. "It's not -"

Nathan was just smiling at him, and it melted Simon's heart. Simon couldn't help but smile back.

Simon got the sudden urge to hold Nathan's hand. That was a disturbing feeling.

No, fuck this. He should be annoyed with Nathan right now. Not...however he was feeling.

Simon turned off the device unceremoniously, pulled the headphone out of Nathan's ear - He had to lay his hand on Nathan's shoulder to steady him so he didn't accidentally just yank it out - and folded it all into his pocket.

"Okay. I'm - I'm out of my shell," Simon said.

He probably imagined the look of disappointment on Nathan's face.

This was all about hanging out with the group, not sharing little exclusive moments with Nathan, Simon reminded himself.

Simon caught up to the rest of the group and tried not to talk to Nathan the rest of the way to the bar, all while trying not to feel guilty for ignoring him.

 

* * *

 

They were at new bar this time, one that was more of a nightclub than a pub. This was probably a terrible place for simply hanging out and having a conversation. The crowds and the loud music tended to bother Simon, but he was more comfortable since he was out with a group of people that he was genuinely friends with.

"Look, I'll go order the drinks," Nathan said. "You lot go find somewhere to sit. I'll find you later."

They found a table all the way in the back of the bar, settled in and started talking.

"So. How's it all been going?" Nikki asked. "I kind of feel like the outsider in the group."

"Just 'cause you're not apart of the community service?" Kelly asked. "You're lucky. You just get to do the fun stuff. The community service part is shite," Kelly said.

"Yeah, you're right," Nikki said. "Still. It's nice to talk with you lot. I haven't met anyone else with powers. I have to keep it a secret from everyone else I know. It's kind of bullshit, yeah? I don't really know how to control it, either."

"Neither do I, really," Curtis said. "If I could, I'd basically be able to do anything I wanted. It sucks not being able to control it, but I wouldn't really know how to deal with that responsibility anyway," he mused.

"Mine kind of comes and goes. I can only hear some shit. A lot of it happens randomly, but when I really try, I usually can read people's thoughts on purpose," Kelly said. "Not that I like doing that. It's shitter than it seems."

"What's it like?" Nikki asked. "It seems like it would useful at first, but if you think about it, it's probably just annoying."

"I mean, sometimes it's nice. I know when people are lying to me or slagging me off in their head. But it's upsetting to realise how two-faced people can be. Sometimes it's better to not know. And sometimes, people's thoughts are weird and private, and it's just awkward hearing them, yeah? I mean, there's a reason why people don't voice _all_ of their thoughts."

"Unless they're Nathan," Curtis said and laughed.

"Oh, no, mate. He's so much worse in his thoughts. You don't even want to know."

Simon realised how incredibly useful it would be to read Simon's thoughts. No more second guessing how Nathan really felt. But the downside is that Nathan's already annoying enough when he acts like he has no filter. Hearing all of his thoughts seemed particularly nightmarish.

"My power never gets turned off. Which sucks since I have one of the most bullshit powers ever," Alisha said.

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

"I can't even do anything useful with it. It's just ruined my life."

"I - I can control mine pretty well," Simon said. "I used to turn invisible without meaning to, but I haven't done that in a long time. Now it's only when I want to."

"See, that's a good power," Kelly said. "You could do basically anything you wanted and no one would know."

"It's... it's better than some powers, but it... it's too easy to use it as a crutch when I feel shy," Simon admitted.

"It's kind of like a double edged sword, yeah?" Nikki said. "I mean, it's cool to have powers, but sometimes they're just completely useless or backfire on you and make things worse."

"The only one of us who hasn't really been inconvenienced by his power yet is Nathan," Simon said, without even meaning to bring him up. He felt slightly embarrassed, but at least no one questioned why he was talking about Nathan. They're all mates. It's relevant to the conversation, of course. There's nothing necessarily weird about it. Curtis mentioned him earlier too, after all.

"Yeah, but it would be kind of useless if it was practically anyone else's power," Kelly said. "I mean, none of us have ever died. Nathan's already died loads of times in just a few weeks. How does he even do that?"

"Yeah," Alisha said. "Like, how badly do you have to fuck up to die almost weekly?"

Simon snorted a little. Taking the piss out of Nathan is fun sometimes. Too bad he's not here to listen to it all and say something amusingly defensive in response.

"Where is that prick anyway?" Curtis asked. "He should have been back by now."

"I - I could go look for him," Simon offered. It wasn't because he was desperate to see Nathan again and had already begun to miss him after he was away for a few minutes. Of course not. That would just be ridiculous.

Although... Simon did have to admit to himself that he felt most comfortable with Nathan around. He got on with everyone else, but it wasn't really the same without him.

Simon spotted Nathan at the bar, leaned over and whispering in some girl's ear. Simon froze and felt a pang of jealousy in his chest. He almost wanted to turn invisible and eavesdrop on them, but he didn't _truly_ want to hear any of that.

Was he... Was Nathan trying to get off with her? Of course he was. Simon didn't even need to spy on him to to know that. This was the confirmation he'd been waiting for, after all.

"Nathan." Simon tapped him on the shoulder when it seemed like he didn't hear.

Nathan looked annoyed as he turned to face Simon, but upon seeing who it was, he broke out into a smile and yelled, probably louder than necessary, "Barry! My love! There you are!"

"I've just been at the table the whole time. We all -"

Nathan cut him off by grabbing him by the collar and forcing him into a hug. He then planted a kiss on Simon's cheek, and Simon could have sworn he was originally aiming for his lips.

"What - What are you doing?" Simon stuttered. His heart was racing.

"Expressing how much I've missed you," Nathan said directly into Simon's ear. Nathan breath was hot and his hands felt warm, even though Nathan was only touching Simon's clothes.

The girl next to Nathan gave them a weird look.

Had Nathan really been flirting with her? Was she jealous? Or does this just look really, really weird to the point that it would make literally anyone uncomfortable because of the blatant PDA?

Maybe cheek kissing was just a thing they were doing now. Perhaps it's normal. It's what the French do, after all.

Simon's mum had extended French relatives. They went to visit them on Holiday one year. Cheek kissing was quite a common greeting with them. It always made Simon deeply uncomfortable, but that was what was culturally accepted and encouraged. It was normal to them.

Of course, it would be a huge fallacy to pretend it's the same with Nathan. It's not even remotely similar. In no way is _this_ normal. Nothing with Nathan ever is.

Simon pushed Nathan away from him, deliberately holding him at arm's length, and pushed down the weird feeling in his stomach.

"Why didn't you just come back to the table, then?" Simon asked.

"I needed help carrying all the drinks," Nathan motioned to the six shots on the counter. "And I knew you'd come back to me," he said flirtatiously.

The famous Batman Gambit. Did he really that predict Simon, specifically, would come for him? Is Simon _that_  predictable? Or was it all a bullshit excuse?

Nathan put a shot of vodka into Simon's hand, and then clinked his glass. "Cheers, mate," he said.

"I only wanted lager," Simon said.

"Come on, Barry. You need to loosen up. Have fun!"

Simon stared down into the drink. Maybe he did need to loosen up and live in the moment instead of obsessing over everything Nathan says or does. He thought  _'fuck it'_  and downed the whole thing along with Nathan.

"There you go!" Nathan said. He stood up and rubbed Simon on the back.

"Here, actually, why don't you drink these two as well? I'll drink two more also, then order everyone else one more so we both only have to carry two each!" He put two more shots in Simon's hand.

"Are - are you serious? Why?"

"Dead serious," Nathan drank another shot. "And because it's fun."

Simon shook his head. He could get buzzed just to relax, or just have a drink because it's the expected thing to do, but he didn't want to end up getting so pissed that he would risk doing something to embarrass himself.

Nathan was obviously disappointed by Simon's refusal, but didn't say anything about it.

As they walked back to the table, Simon asked what he'd been thinking from the moment he saw Nathan at the bar. "Who was the girl you were talking to?" He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, much less confront Nathan about it, but the automatic assumptions he developed about the situation would be bothering him all night. Might as well address it now and get it out of the way.

"Oh," Nathan said. "Just some slag trying to chat me up. But she really wasn't attractive, so I had to convince her I was gay to get out of it."

Simon didn't get a good look at her, but he wouldn't have expected Nathan to find her unattractive. It could be a lie, but it could also be the truth. It was annoying and belittling, the way that Nathan was so casually saying it.

"Luckily, you came by and rescued me!" Nathan said. "My very own knight in shining armor."

Simon was glad that Nathan's hands were full, or else he'd be anticipating Nathan trying to grope or kiss him again.

Nathan was eyeing him, obviously looking for a response. Positive or negative, it probably wouldn't matter. He just wanted to rile Simon up. It's not worth responding to.

Nathan was not about to give up.

"It would have been better if you actually went along with it, though. I thought we agreed you'd be my reverse beard," Nathan whined.

"No. We didn't agree," Simon said. "And - and I didn't know that's what you were trying to do."

"Of course that's what I was trying to do! I thought it was obvious. Should I have called you my boyfriend since you were too dense to figure it out?"

Nathan sounded so defensive. It was weird.

"I'm not your boyfriend," Simon said simply.

Nathan went quiet.

It was just a factual statement, but for some reason it bothered Nathan so much that it made him shut up for once. Nathan doesn't go quiet. When has that ever happened? Even when he's upset, he tends to lash out instead.

It just doesn't make sense for him to be upset right now. It wasn't an inflammatory statement. Simon didn't insult him. If anything, Simon figured that _he_ should be the one upset since Nathan just wanted to use him.

The silence was uncomfortable and charged as they headed back to the table.

 

* * *

 

Back at the table, Curtis and Nikki were cuddling, and Alisha and Kelly were giggling about something. Simon sat down at his seat beside Curtis. Instead of taking the empty seat next to Kelly, Nathan sat right up against Simon despite there being practically no room to do so, and slung his arm around Simon's shoulders.

Apparently, he had already gotten over his weird bout of silence. Or, perhaps being in front of all the others gave him motivation to be loud and obnoxious again instead of sulking around.

"So, what are all you lovebirds up to?" Nathan pointed between Curtis and Nikki, and then Kelly and Alisha. At the term 'lovebirds', he squeezed Simon closer to him.

Simon wanted to wriggle away from his grip. He pretended to be okay with it, because being bothered by it would draw attention to him and make it seem unusual. This was normal. Or, at least Simon wanted to pretend it was.

"Oh, shut up," Alisha said.

"So, I've always wondered," Nathan asked Alisha, "does your power also work on women? Like, could you get some hot lesbian action whenever you wanted?"

Alisha was glaring at him due to the obnoxiousness of the question but said, "I actually have tried it once. It wasn't bad, really, but I didn't care much for it."

"Maybe you just haven't met the right girl, you know?" Nathan's face lit up. "Hey! You should try it on Curtis's new girlfriend right now, what's-her-face?"

" _Fuck off_ ," Alisha said.

Nikki rolled her eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Curtis asked.

"Is he like that all the time?" Nikki laughed.

"You don't even know the half of it. He's such a fucking wanker," Kelly said and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, and you're so mean," Nathan pouted.

He turned to Simon. "Come on, Barry. Defend me, please?"

Simon looked at him. "...No."

Everyone started laughing.

"Damn, even _Simon_ thinks you're a prick," Curtis said.

' _Even Simon_ '? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"Because he is?" Simon said. It was basically a cold, hard, fact that Nathan is a prick.

It made everyone laugh even more. Simon smiled. This was actually kind of fun.

"Oh my God! That is just - That is beyond rude. I don't even know what to say to that. Why are you so mean to me all the time?" Nathan said.

"Oh, my God, shut uuuuup," Kelly said. "Stop being a baby."

Nathan removed his arm from Simon's shoulder. Finally.

Simon felt like he could breathe again.

"Okay. Fine whatever." Nathan rested his chin on his hand and mused, "I've also been wondering: If you could swap genders, would it be gayer to be straight or to be gay?"

"Can we talk about something else instead of you being a prick about this lesbian stuff all the time?" Curtis asked.

"No. I'm not being a prick. And it's not just lesbian stuff. Gay, straight, whatever. I'm just wondering. It's just a philosophical thing. I'm a philosopher now. Don't be jealous of my intellect."

Curtis scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"I don't know," Simon said after considering the question.

Nathan's eyes lit up, obviously so happy that someone took the bait. Simon realised this might have been a mistake, but continued his statement anyway. It _was_ an interesting question, even if it probably was not an innocuous one coming from Nathan.

"I - I guess it would depend on how you feel about being the other gender. Like ...If you turned into a woman, would you really feel like a woman, or would you just feel like a man trapped in a woman's body? In science fiction, gender swaps are usually more of a plot device than a way of saying a character is transgender or something."

Nathan was nodding and smiling in encouragement.

"So... If you like being a girl, and you still like girls, that would make you a lesbian. Which would be gay. But if you don't like being a girl, you're straight. If you end up liking boys... Or you like both... I really don't know."

"You've thought about this a lot, haven't you?" Nathan teased.

"No," Simon said defensively.

"Don't you guys just love how smart he is?" Nathan asked, much to Simon's embarrassment.

"He's cute _and_ clever," Nathan said so quietly that Simon wasn't sure he really heard it. No one else seemed to hear it.

"I'd never want to be a bloke," Alisha said. "Sounds fucking boring. I'd miss wearing makeup and cute outfits."

"You could still do it. Take it from me. I look great in makeup and women's clothes," Nathan said.

Alisha snorted. "I seriously doubt it."

"I wouldn't really want to be a bloke either, but there'd be upsides," Kelly said. "Like, people would probably take me more seriously and not treat me like some slag or judge me based on how I look and talk."

"You shouldn't have to be a man to be taken seriously, though. It should just be equal," Nikki said.

"You know, Curtis, I think you really would be a good lesbian. You got that butch, athletic thing going on. You could be a _stud_ ," Nathan said.

"I think it would be more complicated than that," Curtis replied. "It's like Simon said. It depends on how you feel about it."

Simon smiled, happy that someone had been listening to and agreeing with him. "Right. It just depends on how you see yourself."

"As for _you_ ," Nathan said motioning to Simon, "I don't know. You're a mess. You're already so sexually confused to begin with."

"No, I'm not," Simon argued defensively.

"And what about you, Nathan? You're the one that seems so obsessed with it," Curtis asked.

"I see no point in being a girl. If I wanted to do girl shit anyway - wear makeup, be fabulous, whatever - I could do that right now and not have to deal with the bullshit of being a girl. I wouldn't want to be a hetero woman, because I know what men are like. And I wouldn't be a good lesbian, either. I'd be too effeminate."

"Being a lesbian has nothing to do with you look or act," Curtis argued.

"It's true," Simon said. "I have a gay aunt. She looks nothing like the stereotypical lesbian. She's completely femme."

"Is she hot?" Nathan asked.

Simon grimaced. "She's my aunt!"

Nathan brushed him off. "I couldn't be gold star lesbian anyway, so what's the point?"

"If it's..." Simon started hesitantly, reluctant to ever talk about The Incident, even if it was relevant to the topic at hand. "If it's just because of the thing with the tattoo, I don't think that necessarily counts since it was because of a power," he said quietly.

Nathan laughed. "Who says you're the first boy I've kissed?"

Simon opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. He _couldn't_  say anything.

"Or even the last?"

Simon's heart practically stopped.

"W-what?"

"Don't worry, Barry," Nathan said and put his hand on Simons shoulder. "You actually are the last one. No need to be jealous."

"I'm not - I'm not jealous."

Simon directed all of his attention to his hands that were folded in his lap out of nervousness.

"Again, why are we even still talking about this?" Curtis asked.

"Because I'm bored and you guys are being boring. At least _you_ get me, Barry," Nathan said and looked down at Simon.

"What do you mean?" Simon asked.

"Oh, you know. I stole your phone once and saw all the lesbian porn in your browser history."

"I don't -"

"Relax! I'm just taking the piss," Nathan said and patted Simon on the shoulder. Then, his hand started crawling up to caress Simon's face and he whispered, "Because I know you really spend all your wank time watching your videos of me and thinking about the time I kissed you and -"

Simon panicked and shoved Nathan away from him, a little too forcefully, because Nathan lost his balance and fell off the seat that he had only been sitting on the very edge of.

But Simon reacted quickly enough to grab Nathan and pull him up before he hit the ground. Nathan's face was only about an inch a way from his. Simon blamed the dizziness that he was feeling on the alcohol that he had only a small amount of.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to -" Simon started saying, but he was at a loss for words gazing into Nathan's eyes.

Nathan put his hands on Simon's shoulders, and Simon was somewhat worried that Nathan would try to kiss him again. But instead, he pushed himself away from Simon, and said, "If only your reflexes could have been that good on the the roof. Maybe then I wouldn't have gotten impaled."

"I really did try to save you," Simon frowned. "And you're okay now."

"But what if I _wasn't_ immortal? You would have had to live with yourself knowing that you let me die. You would have been unbearably lonely without me, and you know it."

Simon felt guilty because everything Nathan was saying was true.

"Oi. You're alive now, yeah? Isn't that all that matters?" Kelly said, trying to break the tension.

Everyone was looking at them. Simon felt like he was going to wilt under the scrutiny.

Nathan sighed. "Yeah. You know, I should be celebrating, actually. Find some girl to shag, or whatever. You only live once, right? Unless you're me of course."

Nathan exchanged a weird glance with Kelly, and got up to walk away.

Simon wouldn't have even known what to say to stop him. But he was gone. Simon sighed.

Kelly stood up to follow him, but first she said to Simon. "Don't worry about him, yeah? He's just being a wanker."

"I know," Simon said and smiled at her. He didn't feel any less weird or guilty, but the sentiment was nice.

Simon was still incredibly embarrassed.

The remaining members of the group were looking to Simon as if they were waiting for him to say something. As if Simon could give them any explanation, when he didn't really know what was going on himself. Or, perhaps, they just wanted him to say something to diffuse the tension.

In the end, it was Curtis who finally spoke up.

"Nathan's a prick, yeah? And he's been acting weird lately since -"

"Weird _er_ ," Alisha corrected.

Curtis laughed. "Yeah."

He looked to Nikki. "You know how I told you about when I got 'stabbed' at the tattoo parlor? Well Nathan had this tattoo that made him think he was in love with Simon, and-"

Oh God, Simon really did _not_ want to be talking about The Incident right now.

"It's - it's not about that," Simon argued. "That was a while ago."

"If it's not about that, what is it really?" Alisha asked. It was almost accusatory, like she was trying to call Simon out, but her tone was soft enough to convey sympathy.

"I... I don't know," Simon said. "He's just weird."

"I mean, just because he doesn't have the tattoo anymore doesn't mean he's not, like, still hung up over you. I think he actually does fancy you."

Simon started laughing, partially out of nervousness, partially because this was all so stupid and ridiculous.

"No. No. That's - No. He doesn't," Simon insisted.

They all gave Simon a weird look. They weren't buying it.

"It's _not_ that," Simon insisted again. "Can - can we talk about something else?" he asked.

Thankfully, they all agreed. They didn't really care about his relationship with Nathan.

Nikki started talking about her day at work. Curtis and Alisha were talking about what they wanted to do after community service. 

Simon was trying to be involved in the conversation. He kept quiet mostly and said nothing about himself, but nodded or said monosyllabic agreements when it was appropriate.

But his head was not all there. He was still uncomfortable, and still thinking about Nathan. Both because Nathan made him uncomfortable, and because he was uncomfortable without Nathan.

No one else seemed to notice his discomfort. Good for them, he thought. And he truly would rather them ignore him than pester him about what was going on. But it just made him feel more lonely.

At least he could always count on Nathan to be paying attention to him all the time and call him out when he was being weird and quiet. Nathan was the first person to ever try to talk to him when they first started community service. Even though it was usually jus to make fun of him, Simon kind of liked that someone was paying attention to him.

He really was just not used to being in the group without Nathan there. The balance was gone. It was too weird.

Simon looked down at his phone. "It's getting late. I think I'm going to go home now."

Alisha looked at her phone and said, "Really? It's only 10. You sure you can't stay?"

"Yeah I have to...go check on my sister." It was probably a poor excuse, but it would have to do. He said his goodbyes, walked outside, and looked back at the door. He briefly contemplated turning invisible and seeing if he could find and follow Nathan. Assuming he was even still in there, that is. But he didn't really want to do that. He didn't need to know what Nathan was getting up to. It wasn't any of his business, and whatever it was, it would probably make Simon feel even worse. He was just going to go home, head to bed early to catch up on sleep, and try to forget about all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song reference:
> 
> [Age of Consent by New Order](https://youtube.com/watch?v=8ahU-x-4Gxw)
> 
> You miiiight recognize this from when they played it in series 5 of Misfits! It's one of my favorite songs ever, and I would recognize that bassline in a split second anywhere. Even the instrumental cover of it in Wayne's World 2 lmao


	14. Chapter 14

Nathan felt someone hit him on the back of the back of his head.

Predictably, it was Kelly.

"The fuck are you doing?" Kelly asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Nathan asked. "I'm trying to find someone to shag. So, unless you're here to tell me you've changed your mind and want to be with me after all, I'd suggest you fuck off."

"What the hell is your problem?"

"My problem is that I haven't gotten laid in what feels like 30 years, and I think it s driving me mental. So, uh, if you don't mind, that's what I'm trying to do."

She rolled her eyes. "You are _such_  a dick. You wanted me to follow you." She pointed to her head. "I heard it."

"Well, yeah," Nathan said in a high pitched, whiny voice. "That's what I was  _thinking,_  but it doesn't mean I actually  _wanted_ it."

He _did_ want it. About a minute ago, at least. But now he just wanted to be alone and away from anyone who knew anything about him and not have to talk or think about... _things_.

"Well that's too bad, because I'm not leaving until you tell me what the fuck is going on."

The music was blaring. He could hardly think. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to talk. He just wanted to drown himself in self-pity, but Kelly would probably kill him before he gets the chance.

He ran his hands over his face. "I don't fucking know what my problem is. I think, actually, that's _exactly_  what it is. My problem is that I don't know what my problem is!"

"That...makes no sense."

"It makes perfect sense," Nathan argued.

"Just try to figure it out, yeah? You can tell me," she insisted gently, as if trying to communicate with a child throwing a tantrum.

"You know, if you can read my mind, why don't _you_  just tell me what's wrong with me?" he asked.

"No. I want to hear what you have to say about it. Because if I say anything, you're gonna tell me I'm getting it all wrong."

"But I don't want to say it!" Nathan whined.

"You really want me to say it?" Kelly asked. "Are you sure?"

"...Yes?" Nathan said, genuinely unsure. "I mean... No? Yes? I don't fucking know, just -"

"You're in love with Simon," Kelly said simply.

Nathan was frozen by the bluntness of the statement and was not anticipating how much it would shock him, even though he knew it was coming. It took him a few seconds before he was physically able to speak again.

"I am _not_  in love with him!" Nathan protested.

Kelly rolled her eyes and threw her arms up. "Okay. Fine, then. I'm leaving."

She began to walk away and Nathan panicked.

"Kellyyyy!" Nathan whined and grabbed her arm. "You - You can't just leave me here!" He hated sounding so desperate, but he couldn't help it. He felt so lost.

"I can, and I will, unless you promise to stop being such a wanker," she said.

"You know I can't promise that."

Kelly glared at him, so close to giving up and walking away.

"But... I'll... try?" he bargained.

"Okay. Let's get out of here. It's too fuckin' loud to talk. I'll walk you home?"

Nathan nodded reluctantly.

He didn't want to go 'home'. It was the last place he wanted to be right now. 'Home', being the community centre, of course. Because not even his mum cared enough about him to let him stay with her.

Sometimes he hated the place. It was a reminder of everything that was wrong with him. That no one in his life cared enough about him to help him out, that he was too much of fuck up to be able to support himself, and that he was _such_ a fuck up that he was squatting in the place that he does community service.

Not only that, but being alone in the community centre at night was eerie sometimes. He often finds it hard to sleep when the glow of the vending machines makes it impossible to sleep in total darkness. In the day, there are loads of people in the community centre, but at night it is empty and desolate. It makes Nathan feel like he is not supposed to be there, unwanted by even a physical space. It makes him feel lonely. When the community centre is empty, every noise he makes is echoed, as if he's haunting himself.

But in all honesty, he'd probably hate going home right now even if he lived in the most beautiful mansion in the world if it meant that he was still going to be alone.

At least Kelly was here.

"Can... Can we go back to yours? And have a little sleepover?" Nathan asked quietly.

"Are you serious?" She grimaced at the thought.

"I don't want to be alone. I promise I'm not trying to shag you, I just..."

"Don't be daft. Look, we're going to the community centre. We'll have a little chat about what's botherin' you, and then you'll sleep it all off and hopefully wake up tomorrow not being a wanker anymore."

"Yeah, okay. Sounds great."

It was probably for the best. Spending the night at Kelly's place would just be like a form of escapism, always trying to run away from being alone with his thoughts for more than a few seconds. But he still had trouble not being somewhat hurt by the rejection.

 

* * *

 

The two were sat in Nathan's 'room' drinking a couple of beers when Kelly finally broke the silence by saying, "So, when are you going to tell me what's going on? If you're apparently not in love with Simon, then what the hell is it?"

"Eeeeeeh," Nathan said, "Do we really have to talk about that? Can't we just get pissed and have a good time?"

"I mean, we could, I guess. But me dragging your arse over here just to do what we could have done at the bar would have been pointless."

"I still like my idea more."

Kelly shot him a glance of pity.  "You know, ignoring your feelings aren't going to make them go away."

"I don't have feelings," he argued.

"Really? And you're throwing a tantrum just because, what, it's fun or something?"

"I'm not 'throwing a tantrum', I'm just comically exaggerating my feelings for a laugh. I mean, not _'feelings',_  just -"

"No one was really laughing, mate. Least of all you. If it was a joke, it was shit."

"Why the hell does it matter?" Nathan asked. "Hypothetically, even if I _did_ have feelings, which I _don't_ , why couldn't I choose to just not think about them and hope they'll go away eventually? You know, it's my life and all that."

Nathan has the rest of his life to get over it. He really _could_ ignore it until it's over. Who gives a shit if he spends a few weeks of his life troublesomely obsessed with some little freak? None of that will matter in the long run. Probably. Hopefully. He might even _genuinely_ forget Simon's name one day, years into the future, instead of having to pretend he doesn't know it so that it seems like he doesn't care as much as he does.

"Nathan..." Kelly said gently, back to looking at him with pity.

"Don't. Don't look at me like that. You don't know anything. Again, why the hell does it even matter?"

Nathan opened yet another beer. He really needs to absolutely pissed if he's even going to attempt to get through this conversation.

"Because you're being a baby, and it's making things weird for everyone. And you wanted me to follow you, so that's what I'm doing. And, you know... You're my mate. I don't want you to be upset."

"Thanks for the concern, it's lovely and all, but I'm not upset. I don't even care. Nothing's wrong. For fuck's sake."

Kelly didn't say anything. She was just staring him down, waiting for him to inevitably trip over his lies and excuses.

"I mean, even if I _was_ upset, it would have nothing to do with Barry," Nathan continued.

"Really? So, what _is_  it about?"

She already knew. Nathan knew she knew. But he couldn't stop bullshitting.

"Well, it's just - It's not how you think."

"What the hell is it? Because to me, it looks like you're trying to get Simon's attention and throwing a tantrum when you don't get what you want. That's probably what it looks like to everyone else, too."

"It's not... I... I don't fucking know. If anything, it's _his_ fault! He's the one that's acting all weird and hot and cold. But I don't even care. It doesn't matter to me."

"You're doing a shit job of acting like you don't care."

Nathan sighed. "Whatever. But I'm not upset because I apparently 'love' him or whatever. I just. I don't know. I'm annoyed? Offended? He's being so rude to me. Anyone would feel the way I do, really."

They both knew that wasn't true.

"So...if you're annoyed and offended that he's acting like that, what would you rather him do?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know." Nathan needed another drink. "Either tell me directly to fuck off or to grow a pair and admit he wants to fuck me?"

Kelly was smiling now. "And which one would you rather him say?"

"No. Stop. Don't say it like that. It's _really_ not what you think."

Kelly raised an eyebrow at him, not buying his explanation.

"I just... Want him to make up his damn mind and stop being so confusing. If he doesn't like me, then fine. Whatever. I don't even care. I don't want him to pretend he likes me. But I'm pretty fucking sure that he _does_ like me and he's pretending he isn't. So, what the fuck?"

"Yeah. I get that," Kelly said. "But... if he doesn't do it, why don't _you_  tell him directly what you want? You're acting weird and hot and cold too, you know."

"Because...Because I don't fucking know what I want? Okay? What the hell do you expect me to say?" he snapped.

Kelly stared him down. "God, you are such a dick. I'm only trying to help you out."

"Shit." Nathan rubbed his face. "Look, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just... I don't know how to deal with all this shit.

She crossed her arms. "That's it? You're not going to say 'Sorry Kelly, and thanks for being a mate'?"

She _was_  the only one who cared enough to ask what was wrong with him. She didn't deserve to be treated like this. But Nathan can't help but be hardwired to lash out at anyone who tries to help him.

"I'm...sorry. Thank you. I appreciate it. Really."

"Was that so hard to say?"

"Yes it was, actually."

"So are you going to stop being a dick now and admit what's really going on?"

"I... I don't really know what I want," Nathan admitted. "I really mean that. I'm not bullshitting right now. I just thought we sort of had a good thing going, but apparently not. You know, just mildly flirting a bit and not giving a fuck. It was just stupid, mindless fun that didn't mean anything."

"But now you _do_  give a fuck?"

"I... I can't explain it. it's fucking weird."

"I'll take that as yes."

"Okay." Nathan was regretting saying this even before he said it. "I admit that I may possibly somewhat give a fuck about how Barry feels about me. Big fucking deal. Happy now?"

"Not really. I'm not saying this to torture you, yeah? And you still haven't said how _you_ feel about him. I just want to help."

"Fine. God, I have no fucking idea. I guess... I'd prefer it if he _was_  trying to shag me so that I can figure out if I actually want that or not. That would be so much easier."

Then Nathan tilted his head in thought. "But, I don't know. Maybe I'm too old for him. By about 15 years."

Kelly hit him on the arm.

"I'm just saying! The only possible explanation for him not trying to bone me is if he really is a paedo!"

"You are such a wanker, you know," she said again, but it was more affectionate this time.

"Yes, you've told me about a million times. I get it."

"Okay, so. You want Simon to try to shag you, yeah? Even though you don't know if you really want it. But how do you _think_ you would feel, if you had to predict it?"

"I mean... I'll cross that bridge when I inevitably get to it. I just can't believe we haven't gotten to that point already."

"Come on, Nathan. I'm serious. Think about it. Do you want him?"

Nathan sat in silence thinking for a few moments before hesitantly answering.

"Okay, so... Yeah, I _have_  thought about it. More than once. It's kind of hot, in a fucked up way. I may _even_  like him somewhat. A tiny bit. Doesn't mean I'm in love with him."

"So, you do want to be with him."

"Well, it's just a thought that I've had. I've thought about it the _other_  way, too. It could be completely horrible. I mean, it's _Barry._  He's so weird. I don't want to end up dead in a freezer. I mean, not that I really can die, but you know. On principle."

"You really think he'd do that to you?"

"Who the fuck knows? It's not like it'd be the first time he did that to one of his girlfriends."

Kelly frowned. "That was different, Nathan, and you know it. He's not really like that. You realise that, right? He has feelings, too."

"Does he though? I really think he may be an emotionless sociopath."

Kelly glared at him

"Okay, yes he's a human with feelings and I'm a mega piece of shit. Is that what you want me to say?"

"No. Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

Nathan sighed.

"No. No, he'd never do anything like that. I know that. He's so bloody nice to me and I can't stand it. I almost wish he _would_  try to murder me instead, because at least that would make sense."

"He's really nice to you? He seems a bit -"

"A bit what?"

Nathan was somewhat hurt by the implication that she didn't believe him. He wanted to believe that Simon cared about him, but he often acted like he didn't give a shit in front of everyone else. But if anyone could tell him what the fuck was going on, it was Kelly. He was afraid of the answer, but he had to know.

"I dunno. Just, like, weird."

"No shit. It's _Barry_."

"Sometimes he's happy around you, sometimes he's not. A lot of the time I can't tell what he's thinking. It's like he's intentionally trying to not think about it. Is he different when it's just the two of you?"

"Yeah, I think so. He can be really nice. It's so weird when he laughs openly at my jokes instead of trying to hide his smile around you lot so he can pretend that he's better than me. And he's actually an interesting person, once you get past the murder-y, paedophile bits. And he's so fucking  _nice_  saying all this shit, like..."

Nathan was giving his feelings away. Fuck it.

"He... told me he likes me."

Kelly raised her eyebrows. "Are - Are you taking the piss? Why the hell are you acting like you don't know whether or not he does if he said that?"

"I mean, he didn't say he _like_  likes me. It was just, like, in a friendly way. Which is actually more disturbing than if he just wanted to shag me. But he's still being all fucking weird anyway, trying to kiss me, then acting like nothing fucking happened, and whenever I try to talk to him, he flat out ignores me. Like, what the fuck?"

"He tried to _kiss_ you? Oh my God, Nathan, you're so fucking stupid," she laughed. "Why didn't you say that sooner?"

"Okaaay. Not _really,_  really. I practically shoved my tongue down his throat that one time, never mind that I wasn't really in control of my actions. But he just gave me, like, a little peck on the cheek. I mean, I've already done that to him, but you know. It's _Barry._ It could be nothing, but, like, is Barry the type? No. So, obviously, that means he's in love with me. Probably."

"You should try kissing him again. Properly. Then you'll know how be feels."

"I'm only going to do that if I think there's even the slightest chance he'll kiss me back. I'm not sure he would go through with it even if he _was_  madly in love with me. He's more likely to have a gay panic freak out."

"Maybe you should ask him directly?"

"Really? Oh yeah, that's such a great idea. 'Hey Barry, do you like me as a friend, want to fuck me, or are you hopelessly in love with me?' I can't seriously ask him! It's different than taking the piss out of him by flirting mildly. That makes it..."

That makes it _real._  He didn't finish the sentence because he didn't need to, and by refusing to verbalise it, he could pretend he never acknowledged it in the first place.

Kelly rolled her eyes. "So, what, you're just going to second guess yourself? How do you think that's going to work, then? Just keep messin' with him, expecting him to fall in love with you anyway, and throwing a tantrum when that just ends up scaring him away?"

"That was basically the plan, yeah," Nathan admitted.

"And how's that going?" she asked even though the answer was obvious.

"Pretty great, actually. I feel like he's ready to propose to me soon."

She rolled her eyes and hit him. "You're such a wanker."

"I just - I don't fucking know if any of this would be worth it. I just wish I didn't have these 'feelings'," he said and physically mimed air quotes to convey how bullshit he thought the idea was, "in the first place."

"So, have you tried like getting over him?" Kelly offered.

"I..." Nathan said quietly.  "I can't."

Nathan shook his head now, coming fully to that realisation.

Kelly probably knew all along before he even did. Goddamn. She should be a therapist or something.

"No. I can't. I _really_ don't want to be with anyone else. I can't get into the idea at all, even though usually I'm very slutty."

Nathan has rarely ever turned down a shag, even when he didn't want it all that much. Being wanted by basically anyone felt better than being alone, even if he felt bad about himself afterwards.

"That's dead romantic coming from you."

"It's not romantic, it's just stupid."

Then he ran his hands over his face. "This is all so fucking stupid. All these feelings. Fucking shite."

"That's what love is," Kelly replied.

"I really am not in love with him.  _That_  much I can be certain of. I'm not sure if I'm even capable of falling in love with anyone, to be honest," Nathan admitted with a bit of smugness, as if he was above it all. but with a real sense of regret and sadness underneath.

He thought about the time in Year 8 when he got sent to the school counsellor for getting into a fight. It was a particularly bad day and Nathan ended up talking way more about his feelings than he ever intended to. He had _never_ talked about his feelings before, and only deflected or went on the offensive when the topic came up. But he couldn't stop himself. The counsellor suggested that since he never had stable parental role models growing up, he never developed the capacity to have normal relationships. Which was a complete load of shit, of course, but every now and then Nathan goes back to thinking about it. The fact that he can't help but antagonise everyone he knows. That fact that he's never actually been in a real relationship. The fact that he's unbearably needy and desperate for attention, but doesn't know what to do when someone shows him genuine affection. As much as he made fun of Simon for being in a mental health unit, he understood it.

"Have you ever been in love? Like, genuinely?" Nathan asked Kelly.

"I was engaged," she reminded him, her eyes narrowing.

"Oh. Right." He actually forgot about that. "Of course. But you know, like... You don't have to he in love to get engaged. Or even married. I mean, my parents were married once. It was a shotgun wedding because my mum was pregnant and didn't want me to be a bastard."

"You are a bastard anyway." Kelly laughed.

"You are so mean to me. I don't deserve it."

It was easier to pretend to be offended by Kelly's remarks than think about the real reason he was so touchy.

  
"You kind of do," she argued.

"Yeah, whatever," he relented.

"When you're in love...  It's like the most magical feeling in the world. They make you so happy. Like, you don't want anything else than to just be with them all the time and make  _them_ happy, too. But love can fucking hurt. Even in the best of times. But if the person you love doesn't love you in the same way, or at all...it's just shit."

It doesn't feel... _quite_ right. Doesn't feel the same as the tattoo. But it feels different from anything else Nathan has ever experienced.

"It does feel shit. But that's not love, is it? I thought love was supposed to at least make you happy, not feel like shit constantly. This is _just_  shit. It feels shit because being attracted to someone like Barry is shit. Not because I love him."

Kelly smiled at him.

"Yeah, I admit it, I'm attracted to him. We're acknowledging that now. It's a thing. But I still don't love him."

"Sure, mate."

"Why don't you believe me?"

She shrugged. "You're not making it believable."

"I don't love him," Nathan repeated.

"If you say so."

Kelly was being awfully insistent.

"You _really_  want me and Barry to hook up, don't you?"

"Yeah, if it means you two will stop being so weird. You can act however weird you like with each other for all I care, but don't make it awkward for everyone else. We can all tell there's, like, this weird tension between you two, and no one else knows what to do about it."

"Neither do I, to be completely fair?"

"I know. Just make a move. A proper one. Just try to be straight with him, yeah?"

"And here I thought you were encouraging me to go be gay with him."

Kelly rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

"You know, Kelly, you make a good wingman. You should be a professional matchmaker."

"Let's so how this goes first, yeah?"

Nathan laughed. "Can't believe I'm seriously considering being gay with Barry. Who the hell would have guessed it months ago?"

"You can't seriously be trying to convince me that you're not gay now."

"No, but really." He looked into her eyes seriously. "Really, really." Then he rolled over on his mattress and gazed at the ceiling. "I'm not actually gay. I still like the ladies, yeah? Just not any currently. Doesn't mean I can't also like blokes, too. So what if I'm not gay or straight? What does it matter?"

"It doesn't matter to me. It's just going to confuse the hell out everybody if you try to pretend you're straight when you're obviously not."

"Hey! No pretending here!"

Nathan sighed, contemplating whether or not to confess this story that he hasn't talked about in years. But it's Kelly. It's okay.

"Did you know my first kiss was with a boy? We were 12, he was my best mate, and I was staying at his house because my mum's boyfriend hated the shite out of me. I'd sleep by his side in his bed every night because I had nowhere else to be. It just happened one night. I turned to him and kissed him, just like it was the most natural thing in the world. Then, me and him start dry humping, yeah?" He made an obscene gesture to go along with it. Kelly rolled her eyes. "And so his dad walked in right at that moment, pulls me away and starts swearing at me, calling me a queer and I end up going home and crying to my mum about it, who couldn't care less. Good times," he said with a smile.

"That's messed up" Kelly frowned.

"Yeah, well, that's life," Nathan said.

"It doesn't have to be."

"That's just the way it goes. It's not all this fairytale romance bullshit."

"Well, if that's what you think, you just have to leave Simon alone."

Nathan absolutely hated the idea.

"Or just tell him how you feel. Because he might be dealing with the same shit as you right now. Just make up your minds."

"I think I've made it pretty damn clear how I feel."

"Simon doesn't seem to think so."

Nathan turned to her. "Really? And what does he think, exactly?"

She hesitated and just gave a noncommittal shrug.

"Kelly, what the fuck? If you know, help me out here. You have to."

"I can't just tell you everything he feels. It's not my place to do that. I don't even really know all of it, anyway. You have to talk to him yourself."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "But I'm your friend. You owe me this! If the situation was reversed, I'd be telling you every filthy detail of your crush's mind."

"But that's not how I work, yeah? And Simon's my friend too. I can't just go around saying his thoughts and shit behind his back."

"Pretty please?" Nathan blinked at her.

"Fine... I don't really know that much, but you confuse him. Not in a good way. He can't tell if you really do like him or if you're just being mean."

Nathan contemplated that. He had to admit he was kind of shit at not sending mixed signals. He didn't truly understand just how much it affected Simon.

"Make an actual move, not some bullshit like you're just taking the piss, yeah? Like, genuinely try it on with him. If you're not into it, back off and say you changed your mind. If he's not into it, you can say you were just horny or something. He'll probably believe that you're just that slutty."

The thought of Simon rejecting him was terrifying and ego bruising. The thought of Simon getting feelings for him or trying to shag him was even more terrifying. Maybe he was in over his head.

"I guess... I mean, I'll shag basically anyone. Or anything."

_'But why am I second guessing it all of a sudden?'_

"Because you really like him and you're afraid of how much you do?"

"I really wish you couldn't read my mind."

"I'm helping you out. You need it."

"Maybe. But it doesn't feel good, being dragged within an inch of my life."

"Suck it up."

"Okay. Fine," Nathan relented. "I could...possibly get totally, completely pissed and see where my actions take me. That's doable."

"Nah, you need to do it sober so it's more genuine."

"No, I shouldn't. When have I ever made a move on someone when I was sober? This is no exception."

It might truly be more genuine if he gets pissed enough to not have to think about his actions. Just go with the flow, act on his feelings, and don't ever think about it.

Kelly frowned. "Fine, but I don't see that working out."

"It's my life, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want." Nathan winced at how immature that sounded, but he still believed it.

"Alright. You decide what you want to do, yeah? I'm gonna head home. It's late and I don't really want to stick around if you invite Simon over."

Nathan hadn't thought about inviting him over tonight. It was actually brilliant. He already has a headstart on getting completely drunk. And if he works out things with Simon now, they can go back to being BFFs and doing gay shit instead of fighting and being weird. It was _brilliant_. There's absolutely no way it could go wrong.

"Okay. Goodnight Kelly, and thanks for everything, you wonderful human being."

She lightly punched him on the shoulder affectionately before leaving.

Okay. Nathan can do this. He's pretty sure he can, at least. All he has to do is flirt madly like he's on autopilot. He's good at that. He doesn't even have to think about it. Maybe even shag him.

He can't think about the possibility of being rejected and how much that would hurt. He can't think about accidentally fucking up their friendship, because its already fucked. He just has to try.

He can worry about the consequences and what it all 'means' later.

Much, much, later. Maybe never.

Just consume some liquid courage and get it all over with.

Nathan worried about it for another half-second before scrolling through his mobile contacts to message Simon, who was not actually listed under the name Simon, or even Barry. Instead, he was Melonfucker. He might have to change that one day. Or maybe not.

 

* * *

 

_barry_

  
_my beautiful boy_

  
_i have something to tell you_


	15. Chapter 15

Simon was sat at his computer desk when he heard his mobile buzz from across the room. He tried to ignore it, but the fact that it buzzed two more times stole his attention and refused to let go.

He got up and tentatively grabbed his phone and looked to the notification bar to see three unread messages from Nathan. Of course. Simon sighed, and promised himself he would ignore it. He was _not_ going to open them. Even just entertaining the idea would be giving Nathan what he wants - his attention. Simon doesn't owe him anything. He's not even curious to see what Nathan has to say. And he definitely doesn't care. That would just be ridiculous.

So of course Simon opened it anyway.

_'barry'_

_'my beautiful boy'_

_'i have something to tell you'_

Simon stared down at his mobile for quite a long time.

This was stupid. He didn't know what he expected. Nathan to apologise? To say that he cares about him? To not flirt so flippantly as if it means nothing? Simon has no idea what Nathan wanted from him, but he was pretty sure that he should not give it to him.

But... Simon didn't want things to be awkward the next day. More awkward than they had been, at least. Talking to Nathan right now might possibly make things worse, but ignoring him would _definitely_  make it worse.

He let a few minutes pass to make it seem like he had better things to do than talk to Nathan.

_'What is it?'_

_'oh you know, just some things'_

Nathan's reply was immediate.

_'You're going to have to be more specific.'_

_'im thinking about you barry'_

_'Of course you are. Or else you wouldn't be messaging me.'_

Simon was miffed that Nathan was wasting his time while saying nothing of importance. This was _so stupid_.

_'well thats obvious you little twat >:( thats not what i mean'_

Texting Nathan was a bad idea. Simon was just going to finally ignore it and go to bed, but a few minutes later, Nathan started ringing him.

This was incredibly needy.

Simon hesitantly answered it.

"Nathan?"

"Are you trying to ignore me? You are, aren't you?" Nathan sounded almost incredulous. "That's just - that's rude, you know."

Simon sighed. "It's late, Nathan. What do you want?"

"Jaysis, what is your problem? I just - I just wanted talk, you little freak!" Nathan snapped.

"I have better things to be doing than listen to you insult me," Simon said, which was kind of a lie, but maybe saying it out loud would convince at least one of them.

"Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Nathan sputtered. And then, more softly, "I just... I want to be BFFs again."

"You're a dick," Simon said.

He thought of Kelly, how close she was with Nathan, and how she still couldn't help but call him a dick every few minutes. Maybe that's the only way to properly deal with Nathan. He couldn't feel bad about saying it. It was just the objective truth.

Nathan made a weird noise, trying to figure out what to say.

He suddenly decided on, "Yeah, but I still love you."

Simon froze at that, having trouble believing what he just heard. Once he came to his senses, he was _really_  annoyed that Nathan was messing with him.

"You don't love me," Simon said firmly.

"Of course I do, Barry. You're my best friend."

_'But you can't even be bothered to call me by my real name'_ , Simon thought.

"I - I have to go," Simon said, not wanting to deal with this anymore.

"Wait!" Nathan practically shrieked. "Wait. Look, just... Just come to the community centre, okay? We'll talk here."

"It's midnight."

"And what about it?"

"I ... I need to get my sleep."

"Pretty please?" Nathan asked desperately. "You don't even have to stay long, just - Look, I'm begging you, okay? What more do you want me to say?"

At that, Simon just hung up. He couldn't listen to Nathan plead with him any longer. But he really should have unambiguously told him no.

He _should_  have set his boundaries and told Nathan he couldn't just mess with him like this anymore. He should just ignore Nathan instead of clinging onto any bit of attention he gives him. He really should force himself not to care so much.

He shouldn't have been almost mindlessly putting on his shoes and heading out the door to walk to the community centre, but that's exactly what he was doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about the super short chapter, but editing the rest of it is taking a while and I wanted to update just to say I'm still here y'all!


End file.
